The Wayward Stork

Beta Day...

2012-01-29T18:33:00.000-08:00

When the phone rang last night, it was a much different experience than when CCRM called us about Cooper.

We weren’t waiting by the phone patiently. We didn’t even expect the call to come until possibly the next day, but we had our phone with us.... just in case.

We went to a family swim with Cooper. Since I can’t go in the water, I sat on the ledge and watched my two boys splash about. Afterwards we went tobogganing on some small hill. And then we went to Boston Pizza for dinner.

We were in the middle of dinner at Boston Pizza when the call came in.

Dave’s cell phone rang and both our hearts leaped out of our chest as we saw the call display was from CCRM.

Dave answered, but they asked to speak with me. I told Dave no, for him to take the call. So he got back on the phone and said my wife would rather you give me the news. I’m not sure what exactly I was avoiding. Either we were or we weren’t. But for some reason, I felt overcome with emotion and didn’t want to know.

And then I heard Dave’s voice.....

We were pregnant.

Our beta came back at a whopping 193!

We are pregnant.

We are really pregnant.

After years and years of not getting pregnant and then finally getting a miracle at CCRM – I’m almost stunned to think that it could happen again.

I was overcome with happiness. And then suddenly, overcome with sadness. The one person in the world, the only person I wanted to call was my mom. I remember calling her immediately after we got the news about Cooper. And now, she wasn’t here. The feelings that rose up inside me were almost too much to bear. Not having my mom to share in this joy felt wrong, and lonely. And the thought that my mom will never know one of my children crushed me in pieces.

You see, up until now I have sort of been emotionally shut down from this IVF cycle. I haven’t intentionally shut myself down, but in many ways I’ve managed to stay detached. It was almost as if this wasn’t really happening to me, like I was just checking in on a friends progress from time to time to see how they were making out and if the cycle worked or not. I felt excited, the way I might for a really good friend, waiting and wondering whether they will get pregnant. But I also feel like I could shrug it off, the way I might if this was happening to a friend and not me. “Not pregnant? Oh, too bad. What do you think we should have for dinner?” I felt like I hadn’t really given myself permission to really think about these embryos. To picture them as my little babies, that I’ll one day be holding in my arms. I didn’t want to get emotionally detached, only to have the test say no. And even worse, somewhere deep down, I wasn’t sure I really had faith in miracles anymore. I wasn’t sure that I really believed that with hope, all things are possible. Because deep down, I felt if those things were true, my mom would still be here today. I would have done anything in the world for my mom to survive her cancer. Anything. I prayed harder than I ever prayed, even than for a child. Yet, she is not here. And so part of me felt like, there was no point hoping or praying for a miracle, because they simply did not exist.

Yet, here we were. Given another miracle.

After of of the longest darkest road of our life, Cooper miraculously came to us, and blessed us with becoming a family.

And now, after losing my mom, the hardest loss I can ever imagine knowing, our two embryo’s have miraculously implanted inside me, blessing us with a the hope of new life.

Our test came back positive.

They are REAL.

And it’s clear to me. That this baby (or babies) needs me to open my heart up to the beauty of miracles once again. To the magic of joy, and love, and yes.... hope.

We are blessed.

Transfer Day

2012-01-20T16:17:00.001-08:00

Our embryos are finally home… where they belong.

After blood work this morning we took a walk in the hills above the CCRM office. We did a bit of shopping, had lunch, did our scentless, soapless showers and relaxed before the transfer.

Here I am meditating in my Think Positive embryo shirt – the same one I wore before our last (successful!) transfer with Cooper.

We’re excited and all ready to hopefully expand our family.

I was nervous in the transfer room but we played our hypnosis scripts and visualized our embryos surviving the thaw and ready to come home.

On the wall in front of me was a birch tree painting which reminded me instantly of my mom. I felt her presence in the room and knew that she would be with me during the transfer.

I held Dave’s hand and in the other I held this rock – the same “good luck rock” we had since we were trying with Cooper. My mom and dad held on to it the last time for us and today we brought it with us for good luck.

Our embryologist John Stevens (the miracle worker, and the same embryologist we had with Cooper) wheeled in our embryos in their fancy high tech mobile home, dimmed the lights and we got started.

I’m happy to report that both embryos survived the thaw without any damage, wear or tear. We were so relieved!

Dr. Gustofson transferred 2 embryos (one 4AA and one 4BA). The 4BA embryo which was frozen on day 6 two and a half months ago started expanding a bit upon being thawed, the other one (which was frozen on day 5) was also very healthy but didn’t expand in the dish this morning after it was thawed which is perfectly fine as well.

The transfer was a little hairy at first until Dr. Gustafson did a couple practice transfers to navigate my tricky cervix, but the embryos were loaded in with no problem in the end. Here we are moments after the transfer. We rested at CCRM for an hour, they wheeled me in a wheelchair down to the car and got me laying flat, and now home (at the hotel) on 48 hours bed rest.

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for – our 2 perfect embryos!!

The one on the left is the advanced expanded blast and the one on the right is the advanced blast (that looks just like Cooper!)

I can hardly believe it –

We are PUPO with twins!!
(Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise)

And, we're here!

2012-01-19T18:15:00.001-08:00

I can’t believe we’re here.

We’re really finally here!

After a whirlwind week of wondering if this cycle would even go ahead – we have arrived in Denver and are all set for our embryo transfer in the morning. Even though I have a sore throat and stuffy nose, nothing should be compromised.

We ended up having to leave Cooper and nana at home (which wasn’t part of the plan) and come just the two of us. This will mark the first time that we’ve ever been away from Cooper for more than a night. And we’ll be gone for 4 nights to be exact. Arriving today and leaving Monday – after 48 hours of bed-rest. I was so sad to leave him for that long, but we know it's for a good reason, and we know him and nana will have their own little great adventure together while we are gone. Even so, I already miss him like crazy!

So after a long travel day, tonight we are cozied up in our hotel room together, drinking herbal tea, eating snacks, missing our little guy, and thinking about what will happen tomorrow. Will our embryo’s survive the thaw? Will they be worse for wear? Will we have a smooth successful transfer? Will our two little embryo’s snuggle up tight and get ready to implant? It’s anyone’s guess.

All we can do is think positive and hope for the best.

And see it in our dreams.

Life's Hiccups

2012-01-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

I went to London today for my bloodwork and ultrasound today and my results looked great!

Estradiol 429.8 (they like it over 300)
LH 9.4 (they like it under 15)
Progesterone 0.46 (they like it under 1.0)
Uterus Lining was 9.7 (They like it over 8)

So we were given the green light to go ahead and book our airfare to fly out on Wednesday!

But...

In the meantime, we took Cooper to Emergency for a fever (and cough) that had lasted 6 days. And the results came back that he has tonsillitis. His throat is red and covered in white spots and his ears are inflamed and sore. No wonder he’s been so sick! So it’s a good thing we took him. The bad news is that she started him is that he may not be able to fly with us and Wednesday. The doctor said it will take 7-10 days for it to clear, even though we should start to see improvement within 3. But she does not recommend we fly with him if he has a fever, sore ears because of cabin pressure, and simple because he could catch other things from the airplane because his resistance is low. Nana and Cooper were planning to come with us, as being away from him for 5 days was not in the cards. But if they have to stay home, at least nana will be with him (and grandpa for the first little bit too). So for now we have put the brakes on purchasing his airfare until Tuesday to see how he is feeling.

Hiccup number two is that for the past 24 hours I’ve been feeling sick (Sore throat). Since tonsillitis and strep is contagious, I had them take a swab of my throat too, to see if I have it. I have already had my tonsils out so that is the good news! But since my throat is very sore, it could either be the beginnings of a cold (not great to have a viral infection, but still doable) or it could be the a bacterial infection like strep, in which case I may have to cancel my frozen embryo transfer. We have to wait to speak with our nurse on Monday to see what she thinks, and my results won’t come back until Tuesday. I know I can’t take antibiotics to clear it while going through an FET. And I certainly don’t want my body to be fighting off a bacterial infection when we transfer our embryo’s, because I want my body healthy and in the best shape to accept our embryos.

So for now, I drink tea, try to get some rest, give Cooper his medication and WAIT...

It’s all out of my control, so all I can do is sit back, try to stay calm, and wait to see what happens. And try to remember to breathe, stop trying to control, and surrender.

Whatever will be will be.

And we're off! (For the very last time)

2012-01-04T15:03:00.001-08:00

Today marks the day of our last IVF cycle, ever.

Well hopefully.

There is still a 10% chance this cycle could get cancelled, but more on that later.

AF arrived two days late, that little minx, I'm sure just to give me one last laugh. But arrived she finally has, and our FET has been scheduled for Jan. 20th.

I started my patches today (thank god no Lupron injections this time). I opted out of the Lupron suppression for this FET, since it doesn't affect the success rates. The month long Lupron injections is really only to guarantee that I don't ovulate before they start me on progesterone. But by going with my natural cycle, I'm usually fairly accurate, so there is only really a 10% chance of this happening. If I ovulate early, we'll know at my suppression check, and will have to cancel the cycle and start the FET process over another month. But I'm fairly confident that won't happen. HA! Confident, yeah right. But I just didn't want to deal with needles and medication over the Christmas season and New Years. I spent so many of my years doing this, and now that I finally have a child that I can enjoy the season with, there was no way I was taking away ANY of the joy. No way in hell. I wanted to relish every single moment with my family and enjoy the miracle of the moment. So after a wonderful, medication and needle-free holiday season, I'm now ready to take on this FET. It's a brand new year and anything is possible -- hello 2012, we're ready!

My new yearly calendar has quotes on it. And the month of January reads: "If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but ot dream more. To dream all the time. -- Marcel Proust."

I like that quote. And it's very fitting, as I plop an estrogen patch on my big, much too dimpled, butt -- and hope for the best. I can't believe how much time has passed since the beginning of our fertility journey. How much has changed. How much we have gained and how much we have lost. I'm 36 years old, married, with the same great husband and dog, a gorgeous 2 year old son, a supportive father, mother-in-law and father-in-law, living back in Ontario, and minus my mom and best friend.

Life is for the living, my grandma always said. So we are living as best we can -- one day at a time -- and hoping to create another 'life' and miracle that will add to our life in so many new and wonderful ways. In this great big circle of life.

We don't know what will happen, but that's the thing about life... we never do.

All we can do is open our hearts to as much joy and love as possible.

And never, ever, give up hope.

Transfer Date Set

2011-12-16T09:09:00.000-08:00

Our FET has been scheduled for January 20th!

We have decided to go with the non-lupron protocol, which gives us a 10% chance of cancelation if I ovulate early. But, on the plus side, I skip a month of needles. Which means, I can just relax, eat, drink and be merry over the Holiday season. And once I get AF on January 1st -- I will begin taking my meds and start my cycle prep.

I can't beleive we have a date set to go back and get our two sweet little embabies! It's crazy to think that they are already either little boys or girls and they are 5 days old, just frozen in Denver, waiting for us. I'm trying not to get too excited and just hoping beyond hope that they survive the freeze/thaw. But other than that, things are moving forward and the thought of being pregnant again, is becoming more and more real.

Either way, we are blessed.

We are so very blessed.

For all those of you who have not yet been blessed with a child of your own, over the holiday season especially, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, don't give up, and always hold onto hope.

Day 6 Embryo Report

2011-11-07T14:13:00.001-08:00

After a nail-biting couple of days, the results are finally in...

Not as good as we would have liked, but certainly not as bad. Overall, we wish we got a few more, but we are very happy with the results.

So without further ado...

We have 2 frozen, high quality blastocyst embryos!

1 Frozen on day 5: Quality 4-B-A
1 Frozen on day 6: Quality 4-A-A

The "4" in our grading system means "fully developed blastocyst" exactly what you want at this point. A "3" is a still developing blastocyst. "5" would mean beginning to hatch and a "6" would mean fully hatched - you don't want that in the dish.

The A-A or A-B means the volume and quality of the cell masses which form the baby, and the placenta, and the quality of the physical structure of the embryo. A-A is the best. A-B is slightly lower in quality, but still great. And in the words of our embryologist, he said "One is perfect. And the second one is the same quality of your best embryo from last time (Which was Cooper!). They still have to survive the freeze and thaw, but I think you have a very high chance of achieving pregnancy with these embryos".

As for the other embryo's, all of them arrested in the dish between day 3 and 5 at some point. There is a 3rd one they're watching, which is currently a 3-C-C, and he doesn't thing it's going to develop any further. And the two from the day-2 fertilization are both still in the dish, but theire development is behind, and he expects them to arrest by tomorrow, which would be thier day 6.

So there we have it. We have two little embryo's that our frozen and waiting for us. Now we just have to talk to the doctor to find out exactly when the soonest we can prepare for our FET.

And like I say everytime, it's such a numbers game, and hopefully luck will be on our side once again. I guess we'll have to wait and see...

Day 3 Embryo Report

2011-11-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

PHOTO OF A PERFECT DAY 3, 8 CELL EMBRYO

After a nailbiting day of wondering what happened to our embryos overnight, John Stevens, our amazing embryologist, called with our Day 3 Embryo Report:

DAY 3 EMBRYO REPORT

Embryo #1 - 10 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #2 - 9 cell, grade 4
Embryo #3 - 8 cell, grade 4
Embryo #4 - 8 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #5 - 8 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #6 - 7 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #7 - 7 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #8 - 6 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #9 - 4 cell, grade 4

** The grade refers to degree of fragmentation on a scale from 1-4. 4 is best.
** 8 cells on day 3 is the best. But anything from 6 to 10 cells is considered good.

So that means, right now we one excellent looking embryo, one great looking embryo and 6 embryos that look good! One probably won't survive the night.

ADDITIONAL EMBRYOS fertilized on day 2) - DAY 2 REPORT:
Embryo #10 - 2 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #11 - 3 cell, grade 2+

** 2 cell on day 2 is best.
So one of these looks good so far, the other one is probably not going to make the night.

This is great news so far! And since we have many embryos that are looking good right now, they have made the decision to push on to day five or six before they freeze. So however many good embryos we have left on Sunday and Monday they will freeze.

This is the part of the process that has always been our biggest hurdle. We've only ever made Blast once. So to push onto day 5 or 6, we risk losing them all. But right now they are in the best lab and doing good -- so we are going to push onward and hope that we have some good looking blasts to freeze on Sunday!

The worst part is that we won't hear from anyone again until Monday. So we won't get another report until Day 5. YIKES! I hate not hearing anything for the next two days, but I'm holding out positive vibes and will be dreaming of perfect little blastocysts.

Come on CCRM lab -- work your magic!

PICTURE OF A PERFECT DAY 5 BLASTOCYST

2 More Embryos!

2011-11-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

Out of the rest of my immature eggs that they cultured in the dish, 2 of them matured overnight and both of them fertilized with ICSI.

So now we are up to 11 embryos!

We should get a report tomorrow telling us the current state of the orginal 9 embyros. Scared to know, but trying to stay positive! Come on little guys, we're pulling for you!

Fertilization Report - 9 embryos

2011-11-02T18:14:00.000-07:00

The embryologlist called with our fertilization report today, and day 1 results are as follows:

Out of my 26 eggs:
13 of them were viable. And were fertilized through ICSI.
Out of the 13 eggs they fertilized, 9 embryos fertilized and are growing in the dish.
2 of the eggs fertilized abnormally, and 2 just didn't fertilize.

Out of the half of my eggs were not usable:
10 of them were immature - in the 'germinal vesicle" stage.
2 were 'atretic' - just not living
1 was an empty shell called a 'zona pallucida' - with no real egg inside.s
The lab is going to take the 10 eggs that were immature and try to mature them in a dish to see if they will mature so they can fertilize them. Right now, one more egg looks like it will mature for sure and we will find out tomorrow how many matured overnight and they were able to fertilize.

So right now we have 9 embryos growing in the dish. And possibly a few more fertilized by tomorrow.

But since we are sadly forced into a freeze-all cycle due to my high E2, we will be flying home tomorrow without a fresh transfer. So instead, we'll get an update on day 3 and day 5, and hopefully have a few great embryos to freeze. We're very worried about how they will do in the dish over the next couple days -- as always, we expect to lose quite of few of them. And we're very worried about them surviving the freeze and the thaw when we come back to do our frozen transfer. But for now we will just rejoice in our 9 em-babies!!!

We have 9 little lives living at the present moment and one of those could be our future baby!

We hate to leave you little guys -- but we will see you again soon!

Egg Retrevial is over!

2011-11-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

And the results are in -- 26 eggs!!!

We'll find out tomorrow how many of those eggs are useable and how many fertilized. We know it's a numbers game and expect to see a significant drop, but we just hope our future baby is in the mix.

They gave me medication to counteract the OHSS and although my stomach is very sore and I'm extremely tired, I'm hoping to feel much better tomorrow!

I'm just relaxing in bed tonight, eating ice-cream, and watching movies.

And the best part? No more needles!

Egg Retrieval

2011-10-31T22:05:00.000-07:00

It’s finally here -- today is my egg retrieval surgery!

Although things are not perfect, we can’t help but be excited. Today my eggs will be fertilized with Dave’s sperm and our embryo’s will be given life! We have no idea how many eggs will be in there, how many will be mature, and how many will fertilize... but no matter how disappointing it is that we won’t travel home with an embryo inside of us – our future baby could be created today! Just the thought of that is the best feeling ever. And our hopes are back up, higher than ever! Waiting, praying, and hoping that this is the day we make another miracle.

Cooper is proof that it only takes one. That it is really is possible. And that maybe, just maybe we will be blessed again.

I’m thinking of my mom today, praying for her strength, and knowing that she is watching over me, with me always.

I love you mom. Stay with me, and help our little embryo’s fertilize and grow...

A Scary E2 Halloween - Day 12

2011-10-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

The nurse called with my Day 12 lab results, which now put my E2 over 10,000!

E2-10,032
P4- 8.3
LH- 60.9

I'm extremely bloated, fatigued, sore tummy, and generally feeling terrible.

Surgery is set for tomorrow at 11:00am and they cannot get these eggs out soon enough.

I'm trying to stay up for sweet little Cooper, I don't want him to see me worried and sick. And I also promised him a Halloween party in the room, which I'm bound and determined to deliver on. BUt it's going to be hard to do based on how I'm currently feeling.

I'm worried about tomorrow but also relieved that it's finally here. I have no idea what condition my eggs will be in with an E2 level this high. I'm worried I've overcooked them and I'm worried many will be post mature and unusable. Mostly, I'm looking forward to getting the medication that will hopefully bring my E2 down and avoid hospitalization.

And I hope they can recover this cycle in the lab.

Triggering Tonight /Fresh Cycle Canceled

2011-10-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

Well. It’s happened. Our fresh cycle has been canceled.

As with everything in life, some things are just out of our control. Some things just don't go the way we plan or want them to. And we’re left disappointed, discouraged, and wondering whether there was anything we could have done to get a different outcome. It’s certainly not over yet, and there is always still hope, but I can’t help but feel like the outcome is already sealed.

The nurse called with our numbers today and my E2 is still through the roof, even after night of coasting, about a million bottles of electrolyte water and salty foods. In fact it didn’t come down at all. It went up:

E2 – At a whopping 7794
P4 – 0.76
LH – 2.5

I’m feeling physically awful and with my E2 this high, a fresh transfer would most certainly result in hospiltization and serious complications if I was to become pregnant. So the doctor has decided upon the following course of action:

- I will trigger tonight (with LH, not HCG) to keep my E2 from climbing. Instead of one big IM shot, it will consist of two LH shots 12 hours apart. One at midnight tonight and one at noon tomorrow)

- I will have my egg retrieval surgery at Tuesday morning at 11 am.

- They will fertilize as per normal with ICSI, but instead of transferring back, they will freeze our embryos. And we will do a transfer at a later date. Which means another cycle prep, more money on drugs, and another trip back out to Denver.

We’ll have to wait and see how our embryos look after the first few days as to whether they will freeze on day 3 or day 5. We’ve only ever had embryo’s live to day 5 (made blasts)once, out of all our cycles so we’re not sure how or when they will decide to freeze. Also, our embryos are so sensitive and they never look very strong, so we are very worried that they will not survive the freeze and thaw process. Luckily the lab uses vitrification to freeze which has the highest freeze and thaw survival rates possible.

I’m trying to hang onto hope that Dr. Schoolcraft is the best and this lab is the best and they know what they are doing. So if they have a chance of survival anywhere, it’s here at CCRM.

Right now we’re tying to stay focused, get ready to trigger tonight, and continue to keep me hydrated to avoid severe OHSS.

After our surgery, I’ll recover for a day or two and then we’ll be booking our tickets home early.

And once again I'm reminded that much of life is out of our control. And Whatever will be will be...

Some Bad News on Day 9

2011-10-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

Just got the call from the nurse expecting to get the go-ahead to trigger tonight... but unfortunately that's not what happened.

My E2 has skyrocketed up to 6500 (from 2700 two days ago) which now puts me at risk for hyperstimulation, and puts the fresh transfer cycle at risk. If my E2 stays this high, they will still do egg retrieval and fertilize the mature eggs, then freeze the embryos at day 3 or 5, and we'll need to do a frozen transfer in a month or two.
Not continuing with the fresh transfer and all the associated drugs is the best path to avoiding OHSS (which can be very severe), so the frozen transfer would be the safest, though less than ideal path.

My follicles looked good today - had 18 that were measured, all in the 15 to 22 mm range (all likely mature). But I'm upset with myself for accepting the "no monitoring" break that I got yesterday - I was happy not to have the blood test, but I knew I should have insisted on getting the test, then maybe we could have made the change to avoid the high E2.

So now I'm "coasting" tonight... still taking the Cetrotide and the Dexamethasone, but no stims tonight, then more monitoring tomorrow. Hopefully my E2 will have come back down to acceptable levels without the stimulation drugs tonight.

I'm feeling very rough too - very full in the ovaries and just generally feeling rotten, always on the verge of barfing. Glad I'm not stimming tonight, but wish I was triggering.

Day 9:
Right Ovary - 11 to 15 follicles
Left Ovary - 7 to 11 follicles
Largest = 22mm
Average = 17mm
E2 = 6518; P4 = 1.5; LH = 5.5

I'm just hoping I can avoid having to go to the hosptial and that my eggs don't overmature by coasting for a day longer. Not to mention, I'm crossing every finger I have that we can proceed with a fresh transfer. A frozen transfer is almost certainly the death of hope for us, considering our history.

Dr. Schoolcraft, aka. miracle worker

2011-10-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Cooper got to meet Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday. And he said, "thank you for making me Dr. Schoolcraft." He he he. Okay, so we coached him beforehand, but it was pretty cute to hear a little two year old come out with it. We got a quick picture of them together, and then whisked him out of the room (with grandpa) so Dave and I could sit down for our regroup with Dr. Miracleworker. We wanted to discuss our cycle, ask some questions, and talk about our estimated trigger date. Last cycle we had 28 eggs exracted and only 14 mature, so about a 50% maturity rate, which was lower than our usual 80%. So we wanted to ask him about this and find out his plan for triggering me this time around. We also wanted to request John Stevens as our embryologist if he is working the day of our retreival, since he is also a minor celebrity in our home.

Based on our results, Dr. Schoolcraft is going for the slow cook this time and hoping to trigger me on Saturday. It could change, based on how I continue to respond, but so far things are looking good.

Day 7 Ultrasound and Bloodwork Results:
Right Ovary - 10 to 14 follicles
Left Ovary - 9 follicles
Largest = 16mm
Average = 12mm
E2 = 2077; P4 = .43; LH = 4

Day 8 Ultrasound and Bloodwork Results
Right Ovary: 10 follicles
Left Ovary: 7 follicles
Largest = 16
Average = 13.5
E2 = 2755; P4 = .5; LH = 3

I also did my IVF physical and prepped for retrieval today.

From Day 7 to Day 8, my follicles and E2 did not grow very much. I was actually fairly surprised! So today, Dr. Schoolcraft kept me on the same lower dose tonight, is not going to bother monitoring me tomorrow, and wants the same dose again tomorrow night. Then back for Day 10 monitoring on Saturday -- my estimated trigger date!

I'm starting to feel really really yucky, completely exhausted, and full! Basically, I'm ready to be done. But I still have a few more days to go. I've been urged to drink as much water as I can and get enough rest so I don't hyperstimulate like last time. So that's what I'm doing.

Onward and Upward. Come on follies, let's do this thing!

PS -- Did I mention it went from 85 degrees and sunny to a winterwonderland here in Denver?

Here at CCRM! Day 5 Monitoring

2011-10-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

Dave, myself, Cooper and my dad arrived in Denver yesterday afternoon and got settled in our hotel, a 2 bedroom suite at the Denver Marriot Tech Center. Not bad. Then we went out to Red Rock Park to explore a little, which was great. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and it was a perfect Denver day, reminding us that good things happen here in the Mile High City. It felt great to be back, especially with our little miracle this time.

Today we went in for our Day 5 Monitoring at CCRM. It was so fun to show up at the building and take a picture in front of it with Cooper. I've been wanting to do this since the day he was born so that one day he will have a picture of the place he was created! It's such a different feeling being back, with our baby, and knowing that we are blessed beyond belief. And it gives us so much hope for another one, since this is the place it all happened.

Next, Cooper and my dad went to the playground, while Dave and I went in for monitoring. It felt great to be back in the building and we were excited to get our ultra sound and see what my follices are doing.

Stats as follows:

7 on the Left Side - The top follicle's measure 11.6, 11, 9.4, 9.3, 9, 8
10 Right Side - The top follicle's measure 9.5, 9, 9, 9, 9, 8.5, 8

So far so good, and you never know, there could be a few that were hiding and didn't get counted. It's also really great news that most of them are all growing at around the same rates. Things are really moving along. Come on follicles. Grow, grow, grow!

My blood results were as follows: E2 was 968, LH was 2.6, and P4 was 0.21. And the nurse let me know that they were decreasing my dose of stims by half. And starting cetrotide tomorrow in order to make sure I don't ovulate.

For the first five days, I took 2 viles of menopur and 150 units of Gonal F. Tonight I will decrease my dose to one vial of menopur and 75 units of Gonal F. Tomorrow night will be the same, but will include Cetrotide.

After our appointment, we all took advantage of the amazing weather (80 degrees and sunny) and took a drive to Estes Park. It was a great afternoon. We saw two herds of elk, Cooper got to wear some energy off on a hike at Rocky Mountain National Park. And we saw some great scenery with a fun lunch out. All in all, it was a long but fun day.

But now I'm pooped, so after my needles tonight, I'll probably just head to bed myself. I'm starting to feel a little yucky, so I'm trying to be sure to drink my electrolytes every day so that I don't end up in the hospital again like last time. But we won't think about that. Good thoughts only.

Here's to a great first day in Denver and all those little follies growing inside me!

Suppression Check -- All Systems Go!

2011-10-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

Today we drove to London for our suppression check. It was like falling back into an old familiar pattern.

Arm out for blood draw. Check.
Pants off for wand up my you know what. Check.
Ah, the joys of un-natural conception.

The good news is that I passed my suppression check on my first go-round this time. Always a stressful and not so successful moment for me. But today is was easy sailing, clear skies head, all systems go. Which means I start my stims tomorrow and fly to Denver on Sunday.

Wow! This is all finally really happening!

Today’s stats are as follows:

Estrogen – 284 What they like to see – Less than 50. Not so great, obviously I’ve way high, but not surprising as I’ve been doing estrogen priming. But still, a little concerning to me as I like to start off on a better foot. The nurse hopes it will drop quickly now that I’ve gone off it. My last cycle in Denver had me starting at and E2 of 20, which was pretty much perfect.

Progesterone – 0.6 What they like to see – Less than 1. Right on target! My last cycle in Denver had me at 0.2, which was also good.

So far this cycle, I have 13 resting antralfollicles on right, 6 on the left for a total of 18. Not bad, not great. My left always gives me less, but I was hoping for a little more than 6, since this is such a numbers game for us. But still, nothing to sniff at either and anything can happen once I start stims tomorrow. It’s still anybody’s game. Just as a comparison, my last cycle in Denver I started with a resting count of 21 and by the time retrieval came, they were able to harvest around 28.

So for three years later, I have to say this report ain't too shabby. And at least I passed my suppression check on the first go round this time as opposed to three takes on my last cycle and about a million on my cycle before that, which they ultimately canceled.
We are headed in the right direction. Denver bound. Tickets booked. Hotel booked. Rental car all ready to go.

Mile High city, ready or not -- here we come!

These Are the Moments

2011-10-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

I started my needles a few days ago.

Normally this would have been cause to rally the national guard. But this time, thanks to all the hard work with my needle phobia, I was able to take the shots without so much as a tear, a panic attack, or even the feeling of fainting. For anyone who has ever had a needle phobia, you know that this is huge. In fact, this is the feeling, on the other side of fear, on the other side of the mountain, on the decent downward where you realize it really is possible to do the impossible. I can say for sure that I have conquered a phobia that has plagued me my whole life, a phobia that I didn’t really believe that no matter how much work, how much energy, how many times I tried, I would ever fully succeed. Yet here I am, once again, proof – that staying the course, putting one foot in front of the next, and never giving up, really does pay off.

This morning I woke up to two things: My period. And my two men (one big and one little) standing at the kitchen counter cooking pancakes together. This sight melted my heart and reminds me why I am at this again. Why anyone who hasn’t been as lucky as me, should keep trying, doing whatever they can. Because these are the moments. The moments that it’s all about. The moments that remind us to stay the course, put one foot in front of the next, and never give up.

I want another baby. There. I said it out loud. I have been keeping that little tidbit inside. Trying to just view this as another cycle. Trying to see it as no big deal. But it is a big deal. The first thing I wanted to do when I saw Dave and Cooper cooking pancake together was pick up the phone and call my mom. Tell her how blessed I feel. Share my joy with someone who would share it with me. But I can’t phone her, I can’t share my happiness and joys and blessings with my mom. But I know she would be looking down, smiling, proud of me for all that I have accomplished. And that she is with me. In me. In Cooper. And hopefully, in a new little life – maybe even a daughter – that will hopefully fill this home with even more love and joy.

Hello AF. I’m ready.

And so it Begins...

2011-09-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

This time around is so different.

AF has come and gone, and our cycle has begun.

I’ve barely even had time to look at our calendar, let alone pour over every detail as I always have in the past. I don’t even know when I start my needles. All I know is that we’ve started talking the oral drugs and we still have to order the bulk of our medications and get them shipped this week. Next week, I will start testing for my LH surge and then the injections will begin.

It’s all going all break-neck speed. Yet I don’t really even seem to have noticed yet.

All I keep thinking about is fall. How the leaves are starting to fall off the trees. How the pumpkins have emerged. The scarecrows and corn hulks are up. Everything looks and feels like my favorite time of year. With one exception, this is the first fall I have ever spent without my mom. Fall is such a reflective season for me anyway, but even more so this year. As I approach the one year anniversary of my mothers death, all I can think about it that I would do anything to have her back, to sip hot coffee and bailey’s with her on a crisp fall day, to go shopping and out to lunch, and put up all our fall decorations together. Cooper is growing and changing so much and I desperately wish my mom was here to see him. I wish I could change fate, reverse the clock, bring her back. I miss my best friend so much. Especially now, as I begin my new IVF cycle. I wonder if I can do this without the support and help of my mother. I wonder if I’m strong enough. Brave enough. Have enough faith.

I reflect, as I move forward. The past, present, and future collide in my mind and heart.

Whatever will be, will be. I understand this now.

I cannot change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails...

My book, INFERTILITY-LAND, has been published as an e-book

2011-06-18T11:19:00.001-07:00

My book, titled "INFERTILITY-LAND: A Road Map" has been published as an e-book. Coming soon to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and I-Tunes.

If you would like to download a copy, you can do so at: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/67494

This would also make a great book to give your family and friends, who don't understand, but might like to try.

I hope that this book may serve as a resource and comfort to those struggling, lost deep in the forest of infertility-land.

The One-Day Work-Up

2011-04-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it's already come and gone. And we are one step closer to actually cycling.

I never thought we would be here again.

Walking through the doors of CCRM was like meeting an old friend. Only this time, with an entirely different perspective.

Last time when we were in this spot, we were filled with so much uncertainty. Can we afford it? Will it work? What if it doesn't work? How will we ever be able to live our lives as an childless couple, in a world built on families?

Thankfully, we never had to find out.

After so many treatments and being given up on at our clinic in Seattle, we were desperate. Tired and desperate and so full of fear. CCRM was our final hope. It was everything.

Being back this time, as parents of our miracle baby Cooper, the experience is completely different. It's not life or death anymore. It was almost joyous being there. Knowing that this was the place where Cooper was created. That these were the people that gave us our miracle. It was like coming home to a family we barely know, but means everything to us.

Sitting there in the waiting room, I couldn't help but feel blessed. We are so lucky. Whether we are able to have another baby or not, we have already won the jackpot. Everything else is gravy. We hope to grow our family by one more and give Cooper a sibling, but if it's not meant to be, we can move on easily and happily, knowing we are blessed.

Yes, secondary infertility is not even in the same ballpark as infertility. It is not even in the same universe.

I have to say, doing the one-day work up the second time around was much easier and a lot less confusing. CCRM is a well oiled machine who has us in and out in no time. And Dr. Schoolcraft was just as laid back and hilarious as I remembered him. He is definitely a man of a few words. He doesn't toot his own horn in the least, just smiles confidently and let's us ask questions, and barely says a word. But, when you are the best, there is no need to scream it from the rooftops. He let's his work speak for itself. And yes, I can confidently say, he is a miracle worker.

Our results will be in by the end of the week and it will be interesting to compare them to last time. To see how my body has changed and aged over the last two years. And find out where we stand.

But for now, we stride out with our matching bloodwork arms and hopeful smiles. With wonderful memories of Denver and CCRM. We are going home to see Cooper, our living miracle, after the first night away from him ever.

One Day at a Time

2011-04-21T11:24:00.001-07:00

It’s been a long time since I last blogged here.

And staring at this page, an old familiar, yet distance friend -- I wasn’t sure I could even put into words how I feel. Or what the point of it would be.

So much has changed since my last blog. Some of the best and worst moments of my life. But how do I completely express the profound joy and pain that I have gone through since then, and for who? Is it better to internalize my thoughts and feelings? Is it better to keep them safe inside? Maybe. Maybe expressing them out loud is only putting myself out there to be hurt or judged or criticized. Because who, in the infertility world who hasn't been so lucky, wants to read about the deep and total joy that having a baby has brought into my life. And who wants to hear about the complete devastating hole that losing my mom, my best friend, has caused in my life. This is a forum for infertility, not the loss of a mother. This is a forum to complain about never been able to conceive, not finally being given the miracle of a child. And who, if not my mother -- the first person who would read my blog and call me to encourage me on, to tell me that she believes in me, that I’m an amazing daughter who deserves the best in life -- will care?

Yet here I am. Back to this blog. Back to this journey. A journey I never thought I would take again.

After I was blessed with the gift of my son, I was forever grateful to CCRM for bringing such a miracle into our lives. But I swore that I done with infertility, that I was happy with one child, that I was blessed beyond belief and felt like leaving that life behind me forever was the right thing to do. Of course, I always wanted a sibling for Cooper, but I didn’t want to be greedy, I didn’t want to risk any more money, time or emotion in the land of infertility. I was happy with my miracle and had decided to move on. Or so I thought.

Five months after giving birth to our miracle baby, we found out my mom had stage four cancer and had been given less than a year to live. It was the absolute, most devastating moment of my life to date. My mom. My rock. My biggest fan and supporter. My best friend. How could something like this happen? She was only 61. She was healthy and fit and happy and filled with joy and gratitude. She had a beautiful marriage, friendships, and her dream of becoming a grandma had finally come true. She was over the moon in love with Cooper and was filled excitement for the future. She was supposed to be here for all of this. It didn’t seem real.

We moved our family back home, went through 16 rounds of chemo, a heart-breaking amount of pain meds, and within 9 months she had lost her battle with cancer. My mother was gone. Just like that. Being an only child, and also having an extremely close relationship with my mom, I felt completely lost. And still do.

Maybe this is why I’m back. Maybe this is what prompted me to change my mind about wanting another child. I suddenly feel the need to make my family bigger, to fill the void that has been left behind, to grow my family, instead of watch it get smaller. Watching my mother (the most wonderful, loving, and positive person in the world) slowly die, was the worst nine months of my life. And this was mixed along with some of the absolute greatest moments of my life, holding my baby in my arms, watching him smile and laugh and take his first steps. My heart was overcome with emotion that I was unable to understand, much let alone, try to express.

It has been 20 months since Cooper was born and 6 months since my mom passed away, and I have realized one thing: You have to enjoy each moment you have been given, good or bad, right or wrong, happy or sad. We have to try to stay in the present moment and make the most of it.

Which has led me and Dave back to CCRM.

We had our consult with Dr. Schoolcraft and booked our tickets. We fly to Denver over Easter weekend for our one day work-up.

Where will we go from there? Nobody knows. And that’s the thing about life. You just never know.

All we can do is take it one day at a time.

A Day of Thanks, A Lifetime of Gratitude

2009-11-26T17:08:00.000-08:00

Today seems like the right day to bring an end to my blog.

It has been a long, painful, and wonderful journey. One that I will always look back on with mixed emotions.

It took up my life for four years, most of it bad. But, my miracle at the end of the road was worth all the heartache that came before.

We will never forget the day, one year ago, that we got the best phone call of our lives.

And on Thanksgiving no less.

Our hands shook as we answered the phone and we thought for sure we were in for bad news. But instead, we got our Thanksgiving miracle!

On this Thanksgiving day, and every Thanksgiving Day that follows, we will thank god for our miracle of life. Looking down at our perfect sleeping baby face, reminds us of all we have done to get here. Of all the sadness and all the pain, and with one smile from our angel baby it is all erased. The joy and love seeps into the very fabric of our beings -- straight to our hearts. Yes, we are thankful. We are forever blessed. We are so lucky to be able to feel this kind of gradittue and thanks. We are thankful for the gift of hope, and the gift of all our Thanksgivings yet to come. We are thankful for CCRM, and everything we did to get here.

Today we take stock, of how all this unexpected and painful journey has shaped our lives. Of how it has blessed us and enriched us with suffering as much as with joy. And that is what Thanksgiving is really all about. Remembering the past, celebrating the present, and looking toward the future -- all with gratitde in our hearts.

Today is filled with such significant meaning for us, as it remins us that mircales do happen, to never give up hope, and to always give thanks for the gift that we have been given. We don't even have words that will ever fully express the gratitude we feel, as we reflect and rejoice in our miracle. So instead, we just say thanks.

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice." -Meister Eckhart

And yes, he was worth every single penny!

Good luck to all of you out there still waiting for your miracles.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Happy Thanksgiving and God Bless.

Love Lisa
xo
PS -- I hope anyone who stumbles across this blog finds comfort in my story, and it helps them hang onto hope.

For anything is possible with hope.

Should anyone ever wish to reach me, I can be contacted at: lisarwaiteAThotmailDOTcom. I would be happy to help.

Family Day

2009-11-18T15:54:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, Cooper came home. It was the day that we finally became a family!

It's amazing to think that the first place Cooper lived was in a petri dish in Denver -- not inside his mommy's uterus like most babies. He hung out in his own little embryo appartment with embryo brothers and sisters -- while mommy and daddy footed the steep rent bill for such a small little dish. But after five long days of living on his own, Cooper was placed, along with his brother and sister, inside his mommy's uterus where he belonged. He We talked to him and told him to snuggle in tight and we prayed with all our might that he would like his new home and decide to stay.

And thus, today will forever be known as family day.

I'll never forget the feeling, leaving CCRM with my embabies inside me. We were finall a family. Maybe not for long. But for now, we were.

I moved in slow motion. Every step, like a ninety-year old woman. I felt like a woman carrying around a nuclear weapon that was entrusted to me to make sure didn't go off. I had precious cargo on board and I knew it. I layed flat, only getting up to eat and go to the bathroom. I layed still, trying not to jostle anything around. We talked to our embryo's. We sang to them. We prayed. We visualized our embryo's snuggling in tight and not giving up. For the next two weeks, I barely moved, I kept warm, ate well, and did everything I could do to encourage my embabies to stick.

We were a family that day. For that moment. And we were filled with hope, but also with so much fear. We didn't know how long it would last and we were so afraid that somehow it would all disappear, like all our previous attempts.

But it did not. Today, we are celebrating family day again. This time, Cooper is out in the world, three months old. We are a family. It's real. He really did it. He snuggled in, held on tight, grew big and strong, was born, and now is growing into a wonderful little person we can hold in our arms. We have never felt so lucky. Or so blessed.

Today, when we look back, we remember that moment like it was yesterday. And yet, somehow it feels like a lifetime ago. I will forever be grateful to CCRM and will always celebrate the day we became a family.

OUR FAMILY THEN:

OUR FAMILY NOW:

And of course, our other little baby, who has been there through thick and thin for all of it, and who made us a family all along!
A family truly is life's greatest blessing. I am so glad we didn't give up. And I thank god every day for this gift.

Happy Lifeday, to Our Little Miracle

2009-11-13T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today is the anniversary of the day our son was given life.

One year ago today, at around 10:30am, Cooper was specially created, in the CCRM lab along with his 27 other embryo brothers and sisters.

We can't believe it's been a whole year since that day. Little did we know then, that one of those embryos would survive and be born nine months later.

Reflecting back on that day brings up so much emotion. Both good and bad. There was so much pain, so much sadness, so much hope and anxiety and helplessness. And today, we are filled with more joy and happiness and gratitude and love than we ever thought possible. We still can't believe how lucky we are to become so blessed. And it makes us realize that it was all worth it. Every day of our pain brought us closer to our son. At the time, we wondered. We almost gave up so many times. We debated. We fell down. We felt that we could not go on. But we picked ourselves up and kept fighting. We held on to that little shred of hope, that little voice inside our heads that told us to keep going even when there was no hope left. And I still don't know how we made it through. But here we are. We did it. And one year ago today, a miracle happened.

This is the prayer we said to God the night before the big day.
http://waywardstork.blogspot.com/2008/11/dear-god.html

And this is how we were feeling after our egg retrieval, at the same time Cooper was being created in the CCRM lab.
http://waywardstork.blogspot.com/2008/11/egg-retrieval-is-over.html

We owe a lifetime of thanks to the brilliant Dr. Schoolcraft to whom none of this would be possible, and to our amazing embryologist, John Stephens, who gave our little Cooper life. It's incredible to think of how much has changed since that day. It was the beginning of life, not only for Cooper, but for us in a way too.

We have so much to celebrate, and we wanted to mark this very special day that Cooper came to be.

"Before you were conceived, we wanted you
Before you were born, we loved you
Before you were here an hour, we would die for you
This is the miracle of a mother and father's love."

We love you so much Cooper.

HAPPY LIFEDAY FROM YOUR MOM AND DAD! xoxo

"For you were fearfully and wonderfully made..." PALMS 139

A Brand New Day

2009-09-07T13:19:00.000-07:00

Today is the one year anniversary of the day I started this blog about our struggles with infertility.

I started it to document our final try with IVF as we headed to Denver to give it one last shot with the legendary CCRM. And now, one year later, it's with overwhelming gratitute and joy, that I share these two pictures....

Here I am one year ago in front of the CCRM fertility clinic, with nothing but fear and hope in my heart.

And here I am just a few weeks ago in front of Evergreen hospital, where we delivered a healthy baby boy, with everything I've ever wanted.
After 4 years of infertility treatments, we never thought this day would come. Yet here it is. Our miracle baby. Our little embryo that could. Proof that yes, it really does only take one. Proof that yes, even at our lowest of lows, there is always hope.

It was my birthday, two weeks after our tiny miracle was born. And it hit me, all at once -- sitting in pajama's, sleep deprived and still a little delirious -- as Dave brought me out a cake with a candle, that I had absolutely nothing to wish for. I have everything I've ever wanted. And I broke down in tears. Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of fatigue, and strength, and helplessness, and hope and fear and faith -- all rolled into one. We are finally here. We did it. Our son Cooper is really here, and I have indeed finally completed my journey from a dark lonely place of infertility to a new one of joy and hope and dreams. My flaming birthday candle was proof of this, and the reality of what we've been through, what we had to endure, and what we finally overcame, was more emotion that I could stand. How many birthdays had I wished for this. How many candles had I blown out over the years with the same wish, over and over and over. And now, here I was, celebrating a new year, with a new son in my arms. It was a moment I wasn't prepared for as I looked at that candle and remembered the lump in my throat as I blew it out last year.

And now, here I was with nothing to wish for.

Imagine that.

It's over. And not only did we survive, but we got the happiest ending of all.

I'm not much of a Celine Dion fan, but as we celebrated my birthday the song "A New Day Has Come" played. And as I listened to the words, I felt this song could have been written for me. For the moment our son was born, it truly was a brand new day. A new chapter in our lives has finally begun. It's time to say goodbye to the old and hello to the new. It's time to smile. It's time to say thank you. It's time to be grateful. It's time to pray and hope and dream. It's time for happiness. It's time for laughter. It's time for life.

So that night, I held my son and my husband, as we danced together through tears of joy to this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eg9jQOebTo8 And we cried.

Our miracle has finally come.
Cooper Peter James Waite, was born on August 17th after 61 hours of labor. He weighed in at 6 pounds, 13 ounces -- and is a perfect healthy baby boy. For more about Cooper, our birth story, and our new journey, check out Cooper's blog: http://cooperwaite.blogspot.com

And for all those who struggle with infertility, hold on to hope and never give up. For when the world says: "Give up," Hope whispers: "Try it one more time."

And in the end, no matter what form it takes -- hope always wins.

Update: The Final 2ww

2009-07-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a long time.

But today, I thought it was time for an update. It goes out to the few straggling readers who may happen to stumble upon this, but mostly, it goes out to my husband... and to myself.

I'm 38 Weeks today - which means I have 2 more weeks to go. When I realized this, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of quiet retrospect for everything we've gone through. I feel the need to pause. To remember. To have a moment of silence.

The Two Week Wait.

It is the one sentence that can still strike fear into my heart. That brings up feelings of isolation and resentment and pain beyond belief. Who would have thought that it could actually mean this? Who would have thought that I could ever have made it this far? That I am two weeks away from holding my baby in my arms, from realizing all our hopes and dreams. To me, it's one of those days, where I feel more blessed than I ever could have thought possible. I feel grateful. I feel relief. I feel excited. But mostly, I feel, the need to say goodbye. This will be my last 2 week wait... ever. It's like saying goodbye to an old familiar friend. An enemy that constantly ruled my life. An addiction I could not break away from. A way of life that kept me stuck, that held me down, that sapped the life from my body until it was only a shell of what it once was.

But no more. Today I am taking my life back. Today, a new day has begun. Today, I let go of the old, the pain, the hurt, and say hello to my future, the wide open amazing road that lies ahead.

And I am grateful.

I am about to become a mother.

We are about to become a family.

It's all really about to happen.

My pregnancy has not been without it's problems. We started out with twins, and lost one of our babies along the way. I was sick 8 times a day for the first 22 weeks of my pregnancy. I tested positive for gestational diabetes. We were in and out of clinics. We worried. We wondered if we would make it. But we enjoyed it. We bought little bity baby outfits, we decorated the nursery, we had maternity photos taken, we took classes, we made our birth plan, we took little vacations away together. We wanted to freeze this moment in time, to never forget it. To savor it like a glass of expensive red wine -- one that you know you will never have again. We wanted to make the most of our one and only pregnancy -- to talk to and love our little boy each and every day. To let him know how wanted he is. How much we love him. And how he saved our lives.

I've been thinking about it. About the long journey it took for us to get here. About infertility and the heartache of it all. And I think I can say, with absolute certainty, that finally becoming pregnant, that finally getting a chance to hold our baby in our arms, isn't even the best part about this whole thing. It's getting our life back. It's finally not feeling like our life is on hold. The ability of being able to move forward, and not being stuck on a constant merry go round that you can never get off of. It's being happy again. Being able to find the beauty in life. Being happy for others. Reconnecting with friends. Opening our hearts up once again. Becoming part of the world. Of life. Being able to breathe. Being able to smile and laugh. Being able to love. But mostly, it's being able to once again, hope and dream.

I know there are many of you out there who are still fighting this awful battle. And I hope that you will be able to hope and dream again one day too.

And to my husband...

I love you more than anything in the world. You are my best friend. And I can't wait to see you holding our son in your arms.

xo

Thank You For Sharing Our Journey

2008-12-18T15:25:00.001-08:00

I've decided to bring my blog about infertility to a close.

But first, I want to thank you to everyone who followed our journey, encouraged us on, and said all those prayers on our behalf. You will never know how much your support has meant to us.

There was a time when I felt completely alone. It honestly felt like we were being singled out, and were the only one's to have to walk this difficult lonely road.

Infertility is the most isolating condition around. It is a personal journey filled with heartbreak, hopelessness, and shattered dreams.

And we tend to walk this road alone. Because nobody, ever really understands unless they've been there, unless they've walked it. And even then, each journey is different, some longer and harder than others. And ultimately all end in different ways.

But we are not alone.

You have taught me that.

All of you who have come out of the woodwork, posted words of encouragement, blogged your own stories of heartbreak, and come together to support not only me, but each other, have helped me heal in ways I never thought I could. There is a whole community of women, men, and couples who suffer from infertility. And they come from all over the world.

This is a map of all the people who have visited my blog today.

And since I started this blog, I have had almost 15,000 unique visitors from:

- Every single state in the USA
- Every Province in Canada
- Jamaica
- England
- Scotland
- Ireland
- Italy
- France
-Germany
- Turkey
-Egypt
- Ethiopia
- Kenya
- South Africa
- Saudi Arabia
- Iraq
- Thailand
- Mongolia
-China
- Japan
- Indonesia
- Australia
- New Zealand

No. We are not alone.

And while my infertility journey is coming to an end, a whole new journey has begun for us. One that hopefully leads to two healthy, happy babies at the end of all this. But no matter how my story ends, please know that it is not the ending that matters. It is not what defines me or my journey with infertility...

It was that moment -- you know the one, the one where I was at my lowest of lows, the moment I was sure that life would not go on, the one where, dare I use one of my screenwriting terms -- it was my dark night of the soul. It was the moment, that I picked myself up, stared fear in the face, and went forward with strength, courage, and clarity. I knew what I wanted and I was going to fight for it one last time. It isn't the ending that matters, it's that moment. The moment where you realize who you are, what you want, and what you are willing to do to get it.

As a screenwriter, I can't help but liken my infertility struggle to great script. And I admit, I love a good Hollywood ending as much as the rest of you. I love it when the guy wins the race, the guy gets the girl, and everyone lives happily ever after.

But life isn't always like that.

And just like it didn't matter whether Rocky won or lost his last fight -- what mattered is that he went the distance.

You see, life torments our favorite movie characters, just as it torments us. But in the end, it is not the winning or losing that's important, it's how our favorite characters grow as people. It's about what they learn, who they become, and how they change. It's about looking inside yourself in your deepest darkest moments, and having the courage and strength to get up. The victory comes when our hero crosses the finish line, and win or lose, he comes to a place of peace and closure. Our hero doesn't always get what he wants, but he always gets what he needs. And it can come in the most unexpected forms. Our hero ultimately learns to accept the forces of life that he cannot control. And the victory finally comes when our hero looks inside himself, holds his head up with pride, and ultimately, finally, is able to smile.

And that is the best kind of ending there is.

That is the kinds of hero our classics are made of.

So my prayer for all of you, is that your story, win or lose, ends with your hands up in the air in victory. Because picking yourself off the ground, dusting yourself off, and going the distance is a victory in and of itself, and one that makes us all heros of our own stories.

And we are all heros. Strong, courageous, silent heros.

So today I declare myself an Infertility Survivor.

Because, yes, I survived it!

And that, in the end, is my greatest victory.

Graduation Day

2008-12-16T16:08:00.000-08:00

CCRM called today with the news that I have officially graduated!

I might not get a diploma, but this graduation means more to me than anything. After years of fertility clinics, I am now being released to the care of an OBGYN! I can hardly believe the day has come. They said the heartbeats were looking great, a little slow, but that can be expected with twins, so they don't require another ultrasound before they release me. My hormone levels look great and CCRM has officially taken me off all my medication. The Zofran they gave me is lessening the morning sickness, although I'm still feeling fairly rough. But at least I am now able to eat, which is good news because these babies hadn't been getting any nutrition for a while, so it's nice to get something in my stomach for them. And me!

I doubt I'll be enjoying graduation cake tonight, but we'll certainly be celebrating.

HAPPY GRADUATION TO ME!

It's Twins!!

2008-12-15T18:03:00.001-08:00

After a whole week of barely being able to make it out of the bathroom, I wondered whether I would even be able to make my appointment today. But boy am I sure glad I did!

We couldn't believe it when we saw two sacs and the doctor measured two heartbeats! We stared at the screen in awe. Two little heartbeats flickering away. They measured 108 and 115 at 6w4d (6 weeks four days), both a little behind schedule, but both there none-the-less!

CCRM was closed for the day, so we will have to wait until tomorrow to talk to our nurse and find out what all the measurements mean and to ask about our next steps.

But in the meantime, we are just incredibly overjoyed with the news about having twins!!

And I might even get to enjoy the news tonight, as the doctor gave me a prescription to help with nausea that should be kicking in any minute now!

Sick and Tired!

2008-12-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

Isn't it ironic that you wait and wait and wait to be pregnant, and then you finally are, but you are so sick that you can barely enjoy it?

Mind you, I'm not complaining. I'm happy to be feeling queasy all day long, because it eases my mind that this is actually working! And feeling tired gives me a great excuse to nap!

It’s less than a week to go before we go for our first ultrasound, and we are super excited, if not still a little nervous. We just want everything to be okay, to see a sac and hear a healthy strong heartbeat. I'm quite sure we are only having one, but the possibility of twins is getting us excited. The anticipation of the what we will see (or not see) on the ultrasound is both thrilling and terrifying. But it won't be long now! Either way, we will find out Monday.

On that note CCRM has started weaning me from some of my drugs, and also suggested that we find an OBGYN and schedule our first appointment. I was kind of thinking that we wouldn't be looking for OB's, until after the ultrasound, but she recommended starting now. And since we are completely clueless as to our options, we are getting started on some internet research and are thinking of visiting a few places this weekend to get a feel for things. It's all so new and exciting. We are trying not to get ahead of ourselves until the ultrasound, but it's becoming impossible at this point.

I just hope this all-day nausea eases up enough for us to enjoy the upcoming holiday food. Although I have a hunch I'll be spending most of Christmas in the bathroom (sorry moms and dads). But as long as that gets us closer to a baby, then who am I to complain.

Bring it on!

Infertility And The Holidays

2008-12-10T12:26:00.000-08:00

I have to be honest, I've been dreading Christmas since July.

I was dreading the holiday cheer, the Christmas songs, the stores, the commercials, all the happy families celebrating the happiest holiday of the year. I was quite sure I wanted to crawl into a hole on December 1st and not come out until the New Year was over.

And now, here I am, still wrapping my head around the fact, that I can actually participate in the holiday this year. That I can actually ENJOY myself. And I'm so happy because I hated the thought of never enjoying Christmas again, which is what I was quite sure was going to happen. And now, here I am, so blessed to be here and looking forward to all the things I was dreading.

And it's not just Christmas. For people struggling with infertility, the whole year is just one holiday after another. The calendar year is something to be dreaded as you become more and more isolated and shut off from the world around you.

The year starts off easy enough...

New Years -- This is where we make all those resolutions, or in the case of an infertile, their hopes and dreams and goals for the year ahead. We tell ourselves that this is going to be our year! We are not going to face another new Year's without a child. We are going to do whatever it takes to reach our dreams this year. And we kiss, still crushed from the year prior, but with a renewed hope for the year to come. This is going to be our year -- it has to be.

Valentines Day -- Finally, a holiday that doesn't remind us of children! It's all about love. Only, we are pumped up on drugs, or so exhausted from treatments, that it's hard to enjoy. Not to mention, in the back of our minds, we know all those other couples, sitting around us, eating their dinner, have children they get to go home to. Valentine's cards to help them write out. Little hearts and chocolates to scatter around the house in anticipation of little excited faces.

March Break -- On the heels of Valentines Day comes March break. Children abound, as families pack up to enjoy a fun week together somewhere. But not you. No, you plough forward, head down, trying not to notice.

Easter -- Next comes Easter. The stores are filled with reminders of children. Everywhere you look is a reminder of what you are missing. Easter bunnies, Easter baskets, Easter egg hunts. Pretty spring children's dresses. Excited little faces and happy families are everywhere. You long to be part of an easter egg hunt of your own, but instead, you close your eyes and hope you just make it through.

Mothers Day -- As if Easter wasn't bad enough, Mother's Day is close behind. A slap in the face to infertiles everywhere. You are not a mother and you wonder if you ever will be. You do not get breakfast in bed, a hand drawn card, a hug from that sweet little child telling you they love you. It's a painful reminder of what you will never have, and what everyone around you gets so easily. It's almost too much to bear, as you watch others enjoy what you long for so badly.

Fathers Day -- Of course Father's Day is right behind. Happy children and their dads, out to brunch, playing golf, fishing, enjoying the day together. You think of your husband and what he is missing. You can't help picturing him as a father, knowing how good he would be. You imagine your own children taking his hand and hopping up on his lap, smiling up at him. Their dad. Their hero. And you can't help from thinking how robbed he is, when you see the pain on his face.

Summer Holidays -- One of the best times of year for family fun. Kids are out of school. Everywhere you look are happy families picnicking, going to the park, the beach. And you long to be one of them. The carefree days of summer are everywhere. Long weekends and camping trips. Innocent times and bonding and memories being created that will last a life time. Yet, you still cannot join in the fun.

Weddings -- Of course, what would the summer be without weddings. You watch, as other couples get married, knowing that soon, their dreams will come true, and they will be blessed with families before you. You think back to your wedding, how excited and hopeful you were for the future together. All the family plans you had, the big house, the fun family trips. And it's painful to watch it come true for everyone else but you.

Baby showers -- Invites to baby showers come fast and furious. You can't even bear to open the envelope. You shop for other peoples' children, holding back the lump in your throat, trying not to breathe, and maybe you will get through it.

Birthdays -- Next comes your birthday. But you have nothing to celebrate. It's just a painful reminder that you are another year older, another year has passed without a child. Your chances are decreasing every single day. And you can't bear to blow out your candle, yet again, and make the only wish you have been wishing. Because it still hasn't come true.

Anniversaries -- Your wedding anniversary is upon you, and it's time to celebrate your love. The one thing that keeps you going through all the pain. But unfortunately, it's also an anniversary where you both will mourn another year passing without a child. The family you haven't created.

Back to School -- Back to school has become a season these days. You look around at all the stores, all the little knapsacks, and school supplies. Your nieces and nephews are getting older. Friends children are growing up before your eyes. Life is moving forward without you. You can't help but feel like it's completely passing you by.

Halloween -- As the autumn leaves fall, families are huddled up carving pumpkins together, making candy apples, playing in the falling leaves. And Halloween rolls around quickly. Parents dress up little angels, princesses, and monsters in the cutest outfits you have ever seen. You dread the day as it grows darker, knowing that soon, happy little children will be knocking on your door, saying trick or treat. And you will barely be able to keep yourself from crying. You think about everything you are missing. You long to be taking your own children out from house to house. And you end the night, a puddle on the floor, sobbing your eyes out, wishing you could hide away forever.

Thanksgiving -- The season of family is officially upon you. Happy families get together to share turkey and rejoice in all that they have to be thankful for. Just the thought of another holiday where you still don't have your own family to share it with, tortures you beyond belief. You have a hard time thinking of anything to be thankful for, let alone, sharing the holiday with family and friends who have everything you want. Everyone has a family except for you, and the pain cuts so deep you don't think you will survive it.

Christmas -- The holiday season is upon you in no time. The pinnacle of holidays is finally here. Christmas is the motherload, the holiday of all holidays. The one you have been dreading all year. For it is the season of children and dreams and families and miracles. For everyone but you. Little stocking hanging from the fireplace, ornaments on the tree, hopes of Santa, snowmen on front lawns, Christmas parades, hot chocolate, cold little toes and noses and happy laughter fills the air. The stores bellow out Christmas music. Commercials celebrate families and children. Movies are filled with the magic of family. Christmas lights and Santa sleighs, and nativity scenes are everywhere. Christmas cards arrive in the mail, all those happy smiling family pictures and updates from friends and families. The magic of the season is everywhere, all around you, suffocating you, choking you to death. The pain has never been so great, so real, and so deep. You envy everyone you see. You can barely venture out your front door. It is the happiest season of all, a season you once loved, a season you wonder if you will ever love again. A season that now pulls you under with such grief that you are sure you will die. But you don't die. You survive. As you brace yourself for the upcoming New Year and the whole new calendar that comes with it.

But now, suddenly, my luck has changed.

And here I am. Free to once again to enjoy the holidays. Free once again to believe in miracles. Free to shop, watch movies, visit families, bake cookies, decorate the tree. I don't have to hide away trying to avoid everyone and anyone with children and families. I still can't believe I'm actually free to join the world of holiday fun. We have never felt so blessed. So thankful. So happy.

This is everything we have ever wanted, our miracle has finally come true. And we plan on enjoying every single second.

But my heart goes out to all of you who have not been so lucky this year, to those of you still struggling, and hiding, and not able to join in the fun with the rest of the world. I know all too well what a lonely and isolating and heartbreaking time of year this is. And I'm sorry for anyone who has to go through it. I will say a prayer that the New Year brings with it all your hopes and dreams. That your prayers will finally be answered. And that, next year, you will be celebrating the miracle of the holiday season too.

BFP -- What Finally Made the Difference?

2008-12-05T17:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the lengthy post, but...

I wanted to share my thoughts, for those of you wondering about your own failed cycles, and searching for anything that might help.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to say for sure what actually made the difference this time, but I do have some opinions:

CCRM - First and foremost, I truly have the magic of CCRM and Dr. Schoolcraft to thank. We did a lot of research and CCRM clearly had the best stats, and even though it was expensive and included the added stress of travelling during a cycle, I can say with 100% certainly, that it was worth every single penny! Unfortunately, even with the best stats and the worlds leading IVF doctors, there are still many people who fail at CCRM. It is certainly not the magic bullet for everyone, and if the stats are 65% success rates, that still means, 35% of people are failing. But I strongly believe that putting ourselves in the care of cutting edge doctors and lab certainly made the difference for us. We would have most certainly failed our last cycle, had we stayed with our local clinic. And not because they aren't good, they are the best clinic in the Northwest and among the clinics with a 50% success rate. They are well respected and certainly many many people succeed with them. But I know that we would not have, and for us CCRM was the biggest factor of all in our BFP success. I would tell anyone who is faced with the sad reality of knowing that this is their final IVF cycle, to run, not walk, straight to CCRM. I would not be a success story without them.

THE LAB - What can I say about the amazing CCRM lab that hasn't already been said?! Their lab is cutting edge using leading edge equipment and techniques. They are capable of doing CGH, they are experts at ICSI, they can do assisted hatching on embryos as late in development as early blasts, they can remove fragmentation from embryos, they developed the culture to grow embryos to blasts, they vitrify embryos, the list goes on, and they are on the leading edge on any new technique out there. Before we went to CCRM none of our embryos ever made it to blast. Not one. But CCRM was the reason that we finally had a blast to transfer. Not only that, but they were able to mature our immature eggs in the lab and do day 2 ICSI on them to give us the best chances. I strongly believe that you can get a good protocol anywhere, and yes, there are some RE's who are better than others and really know their stuff, but with the right research, knowledge, and meds, it's possible to get the right protocol for you at your local clinic. But you are stuck with their lab, and no amount of research or knowledge on your part can change the capabilities they have. So if you have problems in the lab with your embryos like we did, there is nothing you can do to improve your chances once the eggs leave your body. At that point it is all up to the lab, so it's paramount that you have the best lab you can. The CCRM lab is one of the best around! John Stevens, our embryologist, is the person who we will credit the life of our future child! Without him, and the magic of the embryologists at the CCRM we would never have gotten a blast to transfer, nor a positive beta.

SPERM SELECTION - Since we were faced with MF, and a morphology of 1% ICSI was a given, and something we have always done in the past. But for us, the capabilities to sort and select sperm in the CCRM lab were really important to us. Unfortunately there is not much out there that addresses this problem. We did have a DNA chromosome test done on Dave's sperm, which I would recommend to anyone faced with MF. The best company for this is SCSA diagnostics and you will get your results in about 3 weeks. Once we determined that Dave's sperm were in fact chromosomally normal, just with very poor morphology, we knew that picking the best sperm of the bunch would be important. We ended up using a process called PICSI, that basically consists on using a special dish for the sperm. The best mature sperm will bind to a special hyaluron strip in the dish, thus weeding out the duds. Next they used high magnification to narrow it down even further. Under high mag they were able to see which sperm were fragmented and which were not, in order to select the one's the looked the absolute best. From here, they used ICSI to fertilize. The PICSI dish is still in research stages and is controversial, but I have to say, I strongly believe that selecting the best sperm we could allowed our embryos to grow better than ever before. And I think without this selection process, would have arrested before day 5, like they always did in the past.

PROTOCOL -- We ended up finding success with the antagonist protocol, after two failed cycles of long lupron protocol. But I don't believe the protocol was the difference, because the number of eggs vs. number of mature didn't really give us improvement. We ended up on a much higher dose of stims (double) than I usually take which made me really nervous, and I'm not sure if it had any impact on egg quality either way, but it could have. As it stood, we ended up with a much higher number of eggs retrieved, but a lower percentage of mature, thus almost evening out to what we were getting locally. But CCRM did use some new meds in my protocol that could have improved the quality of my eggs. They put everyone on dexamethasone during the entire cycle, a drug to suppress any male hormones. They also include a daily baby aspirin daily after retrieval in their protocols, and they include estrogen patches after transfer along with the normally prescribed progesterone support. I can't say for certain if any of those small added medications did the trick, but they could have certainly been a contributing factor. Another factor that really helped this time around was the amount of daily monitoring to keep my E2, P4, and LH in check. I would definetly recommend extra monitoring if your RE isn't doing daily checks, and to stay ontop of your own numbers and what they mean, so that you know when/if things need to be changed.

ASSISTED HATCHING - I don't know which one of our three embryos actually made it, but assisted hatching could have played a hand. We transferred one advanced blast that they could not do assisted hatching on because the cells were all touching the shell. We also transferred one early blast and one late morula, both with assisted hatching. I really wanted assisted hatching this time, because it helps the embryos get out of their shells if they are not strong enough to do it on their own, thus improving chances of implantation. Most clinics will not attempt assisted hatching on anything past a 3 day embryo for fear of damaging it. But once again the CCRM lab is able to do assisted hatching with great success rates, on an embryo as late in development as an early blast. And this could have made all the difference. We just don't know at this point. But it certainly didn't hurt!

KNOWLEDGE - I truly believe that gathering as much information as you can about how IVF works, different protocols, and different techniques used in the lab can really benefit your cycle. If you understand what your options are, and have talked to others and gotten as much information and advice as you can, you will be able to apply this knowledge to your cycle in order to get the best results possible. I strongly believe in second opinions, and not just one, but many consolations with other doctors. Find out what they think the problem is, then move on to another doctors. Gather the information. Do research. And above all, be sure to get your proper diagnosis. For so long the doctors said I was unexplained infertility. Ladies, do not buy this. Keep working on it, until you have a clear diagnosis. Unexplained simply means that they haven't dug deep enough to find the answer. When I finally went to CCRM, even though I had many many tests at my local clinic, they did so many more tests. At first I was wishing I didn't have to do them, but after we got our results back, we learned so much more about why this wasn't working. You need to have a clear diagnosis in order to address and fix the problem. For the longest time we thought our problem was just Male Factor. So don't stop at the first diagnosis you get. There could be other things wrong as well. You could be missing something important. And if this is your last try, do not move forward, until you have investigated everything. After knowing what we know now, we could have avoided years of treatment and money and heartache. So I've strongly come to believe that knowledge in a key factor to success. Possibly the single most important.

ALTERNATIVE TREATMENTS - It is so tough to say what, if anything, made the difference to our BFP, but for this last cycle I added a few alternative treatments that we hadn't tried before. so it's possible that one of these things made a difference in our outcome. The first thing I did differently this time was that both DH and I took Royal Jelly every day to improve sperm and egg quality. We also both took a COQ10 supplement, switched to a prescription prenatal vitamin with extra folic acid and fish oil instead of an over the counter vitamin, and we ate an all organic diet of fertility foods. For a list, see one of my previous posts. http://waywardstork.blogspot.com/2008/10/fertility-foods.html
I also added Mayan Abdominal massage for 3 months, twice a week, up to the point to stimulation.
http://waywardstork.blogspot.com/2008/10/mayan-abdominal-massage.html
It's conceivable that any of those newly added factors could have helped make the difference this time. We also continued doing a number of alternative treatments that we did with our first two cycles, so these probably weren't the difference but they certainly could have helped. Those included acupuncture, acupressure, reflexology, castor oil packs, Yoga for fertility and couples (DVD by Brenda Strong), Male Fertility Supplements (FertiliAid), no drinking, no caffeine, and IVF Hypnosis (CD by Maggie Howell), meditation (DVD by Deepak Chopra). It really is tough to say what combination of factors improved our odds, but we are sure that some of them played a hand in our outcome.

BEING AN ADVOCATE FOR OUR OWN CASE - I truly believe no matter what clinic you are at, that you simply must take a hands on approach and be an advocate for your own care. Since this was our last shot, I have to admit, I went a little overboard on the control, but had it failed, I also know that I would have ended up feeling like I did everything I possibly could. And I wouldn't have been left wondering about if it might have been a different outcome if I'd only done something differently. Although CORM is a top clinic, they are also a big clinic, and a business. And like with any business, you are the customer. It's your body. You are the one paying the money. You are the one with everything to win or lose. So it's up to you, to take your cycle into your own hands. There were many times during the process where I had questions, or didn't feel something was going right, or had suggestions, or wanted to ask about something I'd heard, or wanted to remind them of something important about my case -- so I made sure to do just that. I emailed my nurse daily, I put what I thought was important in writing. I reminded Dr. Schoolcraft about the particulars of our past problems, I made notes for our embryologist about our past failures, I called to schedule meetings along the way to discuss our progress and just to check in. I'm sure some of the things were annoying and overboard, however, there were many times that my ideas or questions or concerns actually changed the minds of Dr. Schoolcraft and he made an important adjustment to my protocol because of it. Staying on top of my own case with the embryologist also allowed me the opportunity have 5 more eggs fertilized on day 2, thus greatly improving our odds. If I was to make one suggestion to anyone struggling with infertility, it's to do your own research, talk to as many women as you can who have gone through it and failed, find out the latest advancements with protocols and medicine, find out the latest advancements on what the labs can do, become your own expert, and never ever feel like you can't ask a question or give your opinion. Doctors are busy busy people. Things fall through the cracks, even at the best clinics. Errors get made every single day. Oversights are very common. So don't sit back and rely on your doctors to get everything right. You have more than anyone invested in this cycle. So I truly believe you have to be your own advocate. It made all the difference for our cycle.

LUCK -- Unfortunately, sometimes it just comes down to luck. And while the other factors are certainly more important and more influential than luck, it's hard to deny that it does play a big part in this whole ugly game. Why did I succeed while others failed? I'm well aware that even though we did everything that we possibly could have done to ensure a successful outcome, that I could have very easily failed once again. Our cycle could have gone either way. It really honestly could have. But this time, we got lucky. I guess there are a few different ways to look at luck. I wouldn't have gotten lucky if I didn't put myself in a position to succeed. If I didn't do the work, do the research, travel all the way to CCRM, advocate for my own case, and spend all the money on another cycle, I wouldn't have been in a position to get lucky. I wouldn’t have gotten lucky if I hadn't of played the game. But sometimes you can play and play and play and still not win. Sometimes the cards just aren't in your favor and you can spend your whole life trying, only to wind up right back in the same spot. We knew this going in, and we were prepared to walk away if this cycle failed. We were prepared to throw in our cards and leave the table forever. But magically, somehow, we got lucky. Luck is one of those things that isn't fair, and I hate to think that it even plays a part. But it does. For so many years luck was not on our side, but we went ahead anyway. We forged on, and rolled the dice one last time. And as they say in Vegas... sometimes you just get lucky.

So good luck, good luck, good luck!!

Beta #3 -- Thank You God!

2008-12-04T14:57:00.001-08:00

After 3 days of spotting and cramping and worrying that this might all go away, I went in for another bloodtest this morning, and my beta came back at 3805!!!

I'm 16pd5dt today, and according to my numbers, my beta needed to be at least 2300 today. Needless to say my beta is nice and strong!

I can't tell you how relieved I am. I was shaking so hard when the phone rang I thought I might not even be able to answer it. But after the nurse assured me that everything looked great, I felt overjoyed with relief. I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed that this is all really happening. So far so good!

They also checked my E2 and P4 today. My E2 was 1232 (they like to see it over 300) and my P2 was 30.7 (they like to see it over 6). So based on the fact that my levels are so high they are going to start weening me off some of my medication starting Saturday. I will go down from 2 vivelle patches (estrogen) every 2 days, to just one patch every other day. I will also go down from 3 endometrium (progesterone) a day, to just 2 a day. And then have my levels re-checked again on Monday.

I can hardly believe it! I suddenly feeling like doing a happy dance!

I know that nothing is ever certain and all this could still go away, but today everything is okay, and dammit, I'm going to let myself start enjoying this!

WOO-HOO!

Crossing Over

2008-12-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

When do you officially cross over from infertility to fertility?

When is is safe to believe that you have beat this heartbreaking condition? When is it safe to allow yourself to relax? To be happy? To enjoy it?

Is it when you get your BFP? When your second beta doubles? Is it when you see the sac and hear the heart beat? Is it when you get into the safe zone of the second trimester? When you are showing with a big belly? When you reach the third trimester? When you reach the date where if you had to deliver today, the baby could probably make it in intensive care? When you go into labor? Or not until you are actually holding a healthy baby in your arms?

And how do you know when you have actually crossed over? When do you let the good news sink it? When do you start baby shopping? When do you start picking out baby names? When do you stop avoiding happy families and other people's kids? When do you stop shutting yourself off from the rest of the world? When do you give away your fertility medication? When do you stop planning and researching everything that is infertilty?

When and how do you ever cross over, from living a life centered around infertility, and how do you integrate yourself back into life, back to the family and friends you have shut yourself off from in order to protect yourself?

Maybe, it's just simply, one day at a time.

Or maybe you have to throw caution to the wind, jump in with both feet, and choose to leave your fear behind.

Caught Between Two Worlds

2008-12-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

Ever since we got the call to tell us of our positive beta, I have been feeling excited, thankful, blessed, relieved, scared, guilty, sad, confused, disbelief, and stunned.

I feel as though I have been stuck, in a hole, for so long, and I have finally gotten dislodged. I feel like I am finally 'unstuck', finally free, finally able to see the sun, feel the fresh air on my face -- but yet, I can't help but feel paralyzed.

Most people, who don't struggle with infertility, leave it three months to starting telling people they are pregnant. But people who struggle with infertility often feel like they should wait longer, until they are sure it's real, until they are sure that it all won't be snatched out from under them.

But because I have written a blog, and been open and honest about my struggles, everyone I love now knows the good news. It's strange, all these congratulations, these happy faces telling me that I am going to be a mom, family and friends supporting me, reaching out to tell me how happy they are for me. And you think, after so long, I'd be thrilled to have the congratulations pouring in.

But the truth is, I almost feel sick to my stomach when I hear it. I feel sidelined, stunned, and so much pressure. I feel like all these acknowledgments and congratulations are somehow going to jinx it. That it's all going to be taken away from me at any moment, and I'm going to wake up, having to face the many sorry's and looks of pity that will surely come my way. And that I will be stuck back in hell, never to get out again.

It's very strange, these feelings that I'm having. One one hand, I've never felt so lucky, so blessed, and so alive. I'm excited. I want to start shopping. I want to make long overdue plans. I'm barely able to contain my happiness and joy. But on the other hand, I'm feeling lost, feeling sad, feeling guilty, feeling scared. Infertility has been my identity for so long now. I have spent every waking minute of every day thinking about it, planning for my next cycle, researching it, breathing it -- that I almost don't know who I am without it. I have been shut down for so long, I almost don't know how to let the joy in. And I feel bad and guilty because I'm leaving others behind, who deserve this just as much as me. I feel guilty that my prayers were answered and thier prayers have been denied. I feel bad that I got lucky, and so many others do not. And I'm afraid to leave my nest, my world, my safe-haven. I'm afraid to let myself really believe and feel happy and let it all in.

I've heard stories about prisoners, who finally get out of jail after serving their time. They are finally free, and released back into the world. And they just stand there, paralyzed, scared, unsure where to go, or what do to next. Some of them almost want to go back in, because they just don't know how to be free anymore. They miss the only world they know. They are stunned, unable to really celebrate the freedom they have been given. So they just kind of stand there...

I think in a way, this is what's happening to me. I'm paralyzed, unsure what to feel, what to think, and what to do now that I'm free. And I'm continually looking over my shoulder, waiting for the cops to come arrest me and tell me that it was all a mistake. That I'm not free after all.

Right now I'm stuck between two worlds:

Thankful for the blessings and dreams that I've been given.

But afraid to move forward and let go.

Winding Down My Blog...

2008-12-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

While it's true, I still have a few more big hurdles to cross before I can safely utter the words "I'm Pregnant", I have come farther than I ever have before. I have crossed a line from infertile to fertile. I honestly didn't even know that that was possible. Yet here I am, still stunned, to have crashed through the brick wall and be standing on the other side.

This week I go for another HCG test and also to check my hormone levels, and then my ultra sound is scheduled for Dec. 15th. This is the all important appointment, when we will either see a sac and hear a heartbeat or we won't. I can't say that I'm not worried this won't be all taken away from me. I can't say I'm not worried that it won't all disappear and we'll be left, once again, with nothing. Standing in the land of infertility once again, wondering if it was all just a dream.

The nurse said we should stay cautiously optimistic, that while the bleeding is slightly worrisome, that we won't know much more until that appointment, so to just stay on all my medication and take it easy until that point. But after that point, if all is well, we will be released from CCRM to an OBGYN. And at that point, if we are lucky enough to make it that far, I have decided to bring my blog to a close.

I know that it's still not a sure thing at that point, and I know we still need to make it through the first trimester in order to get into the safe zone. But I've thought a lot about it, and once I see a sac and hear a heart beat, I can no longer call myself infertile.

Imagine that.

After all these years, I never thought I would see this day come, but hopefully it will. Hopefull I will cross over to the other side, into a new phase in my life. Hopefully I will actually be holding my baby in my arms nine months from now. Hopefully, this is not just a dream, and I will never wake up, and I will be able to say that I kicked infertility's ass. That I am an infertility survivor. That I actually, finally, did it.

But I feel strongly that my blog is about infertility. Not pregnancy. So I have decided not to continue to document my pregnancy journey. This is not what this blog is about. It's about the life and feelings of someone who is struggling with the heartbreak of infertility. And hopefully, this will not be me, ever again. I'm aware that it might be, and that I could end up, dreams crushed, right back in infertility-land once again. But until that day comes, I can't bear to share my blessings and good news with a group of women who are in pain on a daily basis. So, after the next couple of weeks, if all goes well, I will wind down my blog.

Not because I am abandoning you. No. I will still be here to encourage you on. And I will never forget what it feels like to be infertile. It has changed my life forever. It has changed me as a person, taken so much from me, and I still feel the pain so deep that I don't truly know if I will ever forget what it feels like.

So it's with mixed feelings, that in a couple weeks, after I know this is real, and after I get out everything else I feel I still need to say (and I still do have many things that I need to say) -- I will bring this blog to a close.

I will let it stand for what it is. A blog about infertility. The hardest, most devastating, and helpless journey that anyone will ever face.

2WW BFP Symptoms

2008-11-30T11:41:00.001-08:00

For all those ladies out there who wonder, each and every single month, who scour the internet looking for clues as to whether or not their cycle worked, I can finally post my symptoms for you! Because God knows I have done my fair share of obsessing in the past, and driven myself absolutely crazy. This is for all those women, who are wondering what my symptoms were so you can compare them to your own, I hope this post is helpful. And I hope you all get your BFP's too!

1dp5dt - Bedrest, no symptoms

2dp5dt - Bestrest, constipated, had one small anxiety attack.

3dp5dt - Constipated, another anxiety attack, tender ovaries

4dp5dt - Constipated, lower back cramps, tender ovaries

5dp5dt - lower back Twinges, AF cramps, felt like I was getting a cold, tender ovaries.

6dp5dt - Major AF cramps and PMS -- swore she was on her way.

7dp5dt - AF cramps, extremely tired, hormonal surges, felt like I would get period any second.

8dp5dt - AF cramps went away, my body temperature felt extremely cold, I couldn't get warm enough under blankets, bloated and gassy stomach, legs and feet felt achy, strong heart-beat and pulsing sensation throughout my body, extremely thirsty, slightly tender boobs.

9dp5dt - lower middle cramps in abdomen, indigestion, cold and hot flashes, nervous butterflies, breathing felt tickly, strong pulsing sensation throughout body, dull pressure below belly button like someone was pushing on it or I ate a big meal. Peed on HTP, and got a positive but faint line. Beta test came back 151.

10dp5dt - Thirsty, indigestion, pressure on lower abdomen, strong heart beat and pulse, a few sharp pains in sides and stomach, AF cramps back, tender boobs, peed on HTP and line was same as reference line.

11dp5dt - Bright pink bleeding when I wiped but it went away within a few hours, a few cramps, not many other symptoms, peed on HTP and line was darker than reference line. 2nd Beta was 375 today.

12dp5dt - Lower abdominal pressure, AF like cramps, slightly tender breasts. A little watery pink spotting.

GOOD LUCK!!! I will be praying and hoping for all of you.

Beta #2 Is In...

2008-11-29T14:05:00.001-08:00

And it's 375!!

Which is great news! It needed to double, so it had to be greater than 302 today.

I also peed on my last stick, and the pregnancy line is now DARKER than the reference line! YIPPEE!
So everything is right on track, except for our scare this morning. I woke up to bright pink bleeding (sorry if that's too much information) and immediately thought the worst. We called CCRM right away and the nurse told me to just take it easy, and try to stay off my feet, and they would call me after the beta to let us know what's happening. She said to try to stay calm because bleeding is common with all the medication I'm on, but of course, we were on pins and needles all morning.

After she called with our beta numbers, she said everything was fine, but to try to take it easy for the rest of the weekend and keep my feet up as much as possible. Next Thursday I'll go for another bloodtest to check my progesterone and estrogen levels to find out when I can start weaning off the medication. And that in about two and a half weeks I will go for an ultrasound to check for a sac and heartbeat. The last BIG hurdle, before they will consider my pregnancy official.

So for now it's more waiting and praying and trying to take it easy.

And of course, enjoying every second!

IT'S A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

After 4 years, 75 thousand dollars, 24 bloodtests, 183 Doctors visits, 97 ultrasounds, 12 IUI's, 3 IVF's, 50 needles, 3 surguries, and 115 negative homes pregnancy sticks --

-- WE ARE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!!!

The nurse called yesterday afternoon to give us the news. Our hearts dropped when the phone rang and we picked it up with white faces. I have to be honest. I REALLY thought I wasn't. I have had period cramps for the last 4 days and swore AF was on her way. I was STUNNED when the nurse said that she had good news for us! I couldn't even beleive my ears. Our first beta came back nice and strong at 151!!! They like to see it at least 50, but closer to 80 is better. So she said my number looked great! I was so stunned that I had to ask her to repeat it 3 times. And then I asked her to double check to make sure that she was actually reading my chart!

We hung up the phone, clung onto each other and cried our eyes out. Then broke out into a laughing fit (i think we were both so nervous) and laughed and cried and couldn't stop. I was shaking so hard. And I still couldn't beleive it.

Then I proceeded to pee on sticks -- just to be sure!

And I have to say, when the two lines came up, I still couldn't beleive my eyes. I've never ever seen a positive pregnancy stick, and I never thought I would. I suddenly started to love those evil evil sticks as we jumped for utter joy and stared at them all night long.

Then I woke up this morning and peed again. Just to be sure, and what do you know -- it's DARKER!!!
I still can't even beleive that it happened. I'm still in complete and utter shock. Yesterday was the happiest day of our lives. And I know, that maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself here, I know they warn us to be cautiously optimistic. I know that we still have a few BIG hurdles to cross, before it finally becomes real, but I can't help from getting excited!

The nurse scheduled our second beta for Saturday -- two days from our first. And our beta number has to double, for this to be considered real. It's possible that our beta won't double and this is just a chemical pregnancy. It's possible that things will not continue to progress. I'm just holding onto hope that this is real, and hoping and praying that our next beta doubles like it should.

But for now I'm just enjoying the moment!

A Thanksgiving Beta

2008-11-27T09:41:00.001-08:00

I'm not ready.

I wish I could stop time. I wish I didn't have to find out today. Because this is it. Today determines our future, the fate of the rest of our lives.

And who is ever ready for that kind of news?

Right now, we still have hope. We 'could' still be pregnant. The dream is still alive and our life could still turn out the way we want it to.

We just got home from our blood test, and in about 4 hours, we will either get the best or worst news of our lives. We will either be blessed beyond belief and all our dreams will come true, or we will be truly devastated as all our dreams will be completely shattered.

This is it. Our last chance. Our last hope. Our last everything.

We want this more desperately than we've ever wanted anything in our whole lives. We have done all that we can do. The doctors have done all they can do. Now it's in the hands of God, in the hands of fate, in the hands of a technician measuring the HCG levels in my blood.

Good or bad, we have decided to take the day for ourselves. We will not blog, call our families, or share our news with anyone until tomorrow. We've decided to take the news, good or bad, and cry and hold each other tight. And we are hoping with everything we have, that they are tears of joy.

I think the fact that our beta falls on Thanksgiving has to be a good sign. Either that, or it's a cruel cruel joke, one last slap in the face on the longest hardest journey of our lives. But surely, God would not do that to us. Surely tonight, we will be filled with gratitude, and thanks, and be blessed beyond belief. Our journey will end with the greatest blessing of all on a day that is meant to stop and give thanks for all that is good in our lives. We have to believe that our miracle is hours away from coming true. We have to believe that this is our time, our day for a miracle, our day to be filled with thanks.

Today is the day.

This is it.

Ready or not, here it comes...

The Evil Pee Stick

2008-11-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

Many people have asked me if I am going to POAS.

For those of you who don't speak infertility, it is known to infertiles everywhere as Pee on a Stick. It is the question asked by everyone one of us, all over the world, as we approach the little thing called our beta.

Too pee or not to pee... that is the question.

Well, I have been staring at this little white stick all morning.

And I simply cannot bring myself to pee on it.

In fact, I almost can't even look at it. The sight of it actually makes me sick to my stomach. Even the thought of it makes me break out into a sweat as I feel the blood drain from my body. Funny, such a tiny innocent looking little stick, can actually turn me into a puddle of nerves. Far worse than any horror movie I've ever seen, this little white stick, is by far, the scariest thing I have ever laid eyes on.

You see, I have a long complicated history with home pregnancy sticks. Yes, me and pee sticks go way back. I have peed on so many sticks I can't even count them. I have bought more pregnancy sticks than any one person should. Dare I say, that in fact, I was a POAS addict. I have taken it out of the box, hopeful, every single time, peed, and then waited on pins and needles for the longest three minutes in history, while my fate came into focus. And every single time, it as been as white as the driven snow. I have never, not once, seen two lines on one of those sticks. Not once. Out of all the millions of times I've peed.

I usually start peeing on the early response sticks five days before my expected period or beta. And when the first one shows up white, I convince myself it's because it's too early, which everyone will tell you that it is. So I continue to pee every single day, until finally, my period shows up or my beta confirms it. It is like a sick love affair with the wrong guy. The guy who keeps breaking my heart, over and over, but I can't seem to shake. I keep letting him back into my life, to play with my emotions, believing that this time will be different, this time he will change, and every single month, over and over, he breaks my heart into a million little pieces.

Well, no more!

I am 8dp5dt today. Which means that my beta is tomorrow -- Thanksgiving Day -- and so far, I have not given in to the evil pee stick. But my test being less than 24 hours away, means that I could put myself out of my misery right now. I could go into the bathroom, take that evil little white stick and pee on it. I could find out the fate of my future right here and now and be almost 100% certain that the results are accurate.

There are several reasons to pee. The biggest being, that I could put myself out of my misery right here and now. If I'm pregnant, I could know right now! I could start celebrating! The other big big reason to pee, is that even if I'm not pregnant, the blow will be softer somehow, coming in the form of a stick. I will have time to get used to the idea and grieve a little before the doctor calls to give me the bad news. There is nothing worse than the telephone ringing and having to hear the worst fate you can imagine from a stranger on the other end of the telephone, while you try to hold it together, try not to burst out sobbing, and fall to complete and utter pieces. But there are even more reasons, this time, for me not to pee. If I'm not pregnant, will I believe the stick? And how will I hold out any hope for my beta tomorrow. If I'm not pregnant, the torture will begin one day earlier than it has to. And like both of my other failed IVF's, I will have to continue on the medication anyway, and go in for my bloodtest tomorrow, sobbing my eyes out as they draw my blood, hope draining from my body while I wait for the call from the doctor to confirm what I already knew.

No, I cannot pee.

I just can't bring myself to go through that torture any earlier than I have to.

I don't know what my fate will be tomorrow. But I will wait. For once in my life I will not POAS.

And I will pray for a Thanksgiving miracle.

Family -- Life's Greatest Blessing

2008-11-24T07:31:00.000-08:00

After being married for 63 years, my grandparents passed away within 4 months of each other. And even though they have been gone for almost three years now, they are still here with me every single day, in everything I do.

My grandpa once told me that the secret to a long lasting marriage was to kiss his wife and tell her that he loves her every single day -- which he always did. They still held hands, snuggled up tight every night in bed, and said those three magic words to each other.

I cannot think about what it means to be a family, without first, thinking of my grandparents. They often told me that their family was their greatest joy, that is was life's greatest blessing, and that it was their family that they were most proud of.

It's so true. The memories that we share with our families join us forever. They link us to our past, ground us in our present, and build a bridge to our future. We would not be the people we are without our family, without our memories, without the love, traditions, and moments that bind us together forever.

Dave and I want to create the same kind of love and family that our grandparents did. We want to see the love and traditions live on. We want to see our family history continue. We want our family tree to branch out, underneath us, for the love and the joy to continue for generations to come. There is a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh that discribes it well. "If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people."

My grandparents knew the value of family and their love story always inspires and amazes me. Please watch my tribute to their 63 years of marriage, that reminds us all that life is short, that life moves on, and that family, truly is, life's greatest blessing.

Why Do I Want Kids?

2008-11-23T12:13:00.000-08:00

Such a simple question, with so many answers.

Some reasons are silly, some superficial, some biological, some maternal, and some so deep and innate that they swallow me whole.

The truth is, I wasn't always sure I wanted kids. Deep down, I always knew I wanted them, deep down I always knew I'd be a mother, I couldn't picture my future without a family. But in my twenties, and when I first got married, I wanted to 'hold off' for a while. I wanted to enjoy my husband, I wanted to start my career, I wanted to buy our family house and be settled first. I was afraid. I was afraid because I didn't feel all those maternal instincts that my friends were talking about. I was afraid because I wasn't ga-ga over babies, and I didn't even want to hold most of them. I wasn't sure I was cut out for it, I was afraid I couldn't get through labor and delivery, and I was afraid that once we had our baby, I would be overwhelmed with a new responsibility I wasn't ready for.

The fact that I 'held off' will haunt me forever. The questions linger in the air. What if I had of started trying sooner? What if I didn't wait so long? What if I hadn't been so selfish? What if I wasn't so afraid? Good 'Ol Catholic guilt swoops in and swallows me whole. It surrounds me, tells me this is all my fault, that I have nobody to blame but myself. God heard me say that I didn't want a baby, and now he's punishing me. He's taken it away from me altogether. He's teaching me a lesson. And now, I'm getting exactly what I deserve.

I know these thoughts are useless. I know the guilt is not helpful. I know that beating myself up will not change anything. That I can't go back, as much as I want, to my wedding night, and start trying for our baby right then and there. That I can't go back further, and start trying when we moved in together, or back even further to when we first started dating. I can't change the past, I can only look to the future, and pray, that I have done enough, that God will hear my prayers, that I will be rewarded for all the pain and heartache we've been through, that our perseverance will finally pay off.

Along the way, people have asked, why do you want kids so badly anyway? It's not like you can't have a good life without them. It's not like you can't just adopt if you want them so bad. Why is it so important that you have a biological connection? You didn't even always want them. How can you want them so badly now that you would spend all this money and focus every single day of your life on it? Why is having a child suddenly the only thing that matters?

Well. There are so many reasons, ranging from the stupidest to the most personal, that I don't even know where to start. But I will try. Because sometimes, I find myself asking myself the exact same question. Why do I want this so badly? Why I am willing to put myself through all of the pain and torture? Why does it matter more than anything in the world?

Why do I want kids?

- Because I don't want to fail.
- Because nobody is going to tell me that I can't do this.
- Because I've come too far, been through too much, to stop now.
- So I can hold a combination of me and Dave in my arms, and be able to say, we did that, we made that.
- So I won't be left out.
- So I can buy little baby outfits.
- So I can take family holidays, go to Disney World, rent cottages, and watch my child splash in the water.
- So I can one day be a grandma
- So I can be the kind of mom, that my mom was to me.
- So I won't be lonely, and always feel like an outsider.
- Because everybody else does, so why can't I.
- So I can have fun decorating a nursery.
- So I can relate to the rest of the world, my family, our friends.
- So I don't die old and alone in a nursing home with nobody to come and visit me.
- So I can continue the family traditions passed down to me by my grandma, and mom.
- So I can create new family traditions and holiday memories.
- So I watch my child grow and thrive and see the person they turn into.
- So my house will ring with laughter and little voices.
- So I can share the most special bond of love in the world, between a mother and child.
- So I can look back on my life and know it meant something.

But mostly, because, I firmly believe that it is relationships, not money or careers or fame, that are what make us who we are. And family is the most important relationship in the world.

Because, when it comes down to it, we are nobody without our families.

Our families are the heart of who we are.

Pregnancy Symptoms???

2008-11-22T13:36:00.000-08:00

Well, it's started.

I've started to obsess about my symptoms already.

I'm 4dp5dt today, so our embryos should be implanting today, if indeed they continued to grow and divide and hatch, like I pray they did.

So that means the symptoms 'could' start any day now. Although, maybe, realistically not for 2 or 3 more days. But how would I know? I've never had any real symptoms before. Only 'trick' symptoms as I've always called them. The kind that either get our hopes up, or the kind that freak us and crush us because not enough is happening.

Right now I'm in the freak out stage. There are no tugging sensations or implantation cramps. There are no sore breasts or nausea. Granted, I know it's still too early, and some women feel no sensations or symptoms at all, but....

I can't help it. I'm obsessed already.

And I'm scared.

I just want to feel something so I know it's working.

So let's dissect them, shall we? Here are the signs and symptoms that lots of women say they experience in the 2ww.

-- Twinges/cramps/aches in the abdomen
-- Bloated abdomen
-- Gassy
-- Spotting (light brown is good, red is bad)
-- Implantation Bleeding
-- Sore boobs
-- Veins become more apparent
-- Peeing More
-- Feeling hot/elevated temperature
-- Nipples/areolas darken
-- Feeling dizzy/lightheaded
-- Indigestion
-- Fatigue
-- Sensitivity to Smell
-- Food Cravings/Aversions
-- Heartburn
-- Constipation
-- Mood Swings/ Irritability

But the progesterone and estrogen that I'm on right now can also mimic some of these signs. And some of the cramping/bloating can still be left over from the stim meds and the Egg Retrieval.

I'm going crazy!!

Ladies, please obsess with me if you will. Especially for those of you who got a BFP!

What signs and symptoms did you feel? Did you have implantation bleeding? Could you feel the tugging or implantation cramping? How many of you felt any of the above symptoms? How many of you felt nothing?

I swear this 2ww is pure torture!

Going Home To 'Our Baby'

2008-11-20T17:15:00.000-08:00

Our dog is our baby, and we couldn't love him more if we tried!

I've come to the conclusion that there are 3 types of dog people.

1. The kind that love their dogs like babies and treat them like a part of the family.
2. The kind that have great affection for their dogs and treat them very well, but ultimately feel they are dogs, not a member of the family.
3. The kind that treat their dogs like property that are there to serve a purpose for them.

We are unquestionably in the first group.

Phinnegan sleeps in the bed with us, goes with us on trips with us, we talk to him, we understand his personality, his quirks, his happy and sad moments. We would do anything for him. And we love him just as much as any other member of our family (maybe even more!) He brings us so much joy, and we couldn't imagine our lives without him. He has been there for us through it all. We got him eleven years ago, and since that time he has moved across the country with us three different times, he was there when we bought our first condo, our first house, when we got engaged, got married, and he's been there as we've tried year after year for a baby. He has been with us through all our highs and lows, our best and worst moments. He is always there to give us a hug and a kiss and a cuddle. Granted, he is not the worlds best dog -- he has his issues, that's for sure. He's bad to the bone. But he's our baby and we wouldn't want him any other way. He makes us laugh. He sticks by our side when we cry. And dare I say, he understands everything we say to him.

He's our baby, our little monkey, our kid.

And we know, that if he is as close as we get to a 'real' baby, then we are one lucky mom and dad. Because he's given us more joy and love than we could ever imagine.

We can hardly wait to get home and see our little guy!

Devastated

2008-11-20T12:22:00.000-08:00

We finally got the call from one of the embryologists today -- telling us that none of our other embryos made it to freeze.

Which means, this truly is our last hope.

Out of the 16 embryos fertilized, we have no frozen embryos to fall back on. And worse than that, I can't help myself from thinking, if none of the others made it, if all of them arrested in the dish, what does that mean for the one's inside of me?

I know that it only takes one. I know that they chose the best to transfer. but still, I have been here before. And I can't help from letting fear and doubt creep in.

I can't even say it out loud. I can't bear to even think it.

Yet, it's there.

And I'm terrified.

Please, dear god, please, I'll do anything...

The Dreaded 2WW

2008-11-20T09:54:00.000-08:00

Better known to infertiles everywhere as the TWO WEEK WAIT.

For those of you who have been through infertility treatments, you know all too well that the two week wait is the most excruciating wait of the entire process. These two weeks alone cause us the most anxiety, the most up's and downs, and can feel like a hundred years of pure torture.

This is where we obsess over every little twinge, cramp and sensation. This is where you start a whole new set of medications. You take progesterone/endometrium that happens to be the most disgusting thing around, as well as estrogen patches to further mess up our minds and hormones. And not only do these drugs make us absolutely crazy, but they also mimic the signs and symptoms of pregnancy. So as if we're not already obsessively looking up pregnancy symptoms and comparing them to every twinge and sensation we feel, the drugs are playing tricks on us, convincing us, without a doubt, that we are pregnant.

We have been through 30 two week waits, which equates to 420 days, a year and 2 months. And here we are, after spending a year and two months of our lives in the two week wait, down to our very last one.

The thought is both liberating and terrifying.

Because this has to work. And what if it doesn't?

But I am pushing those thoughts (or at least trying) out of my head. Because I can't even go to that place yet.

For now, we're here, pregnant until proven otherwise, and choosing to believe that our three little em-babies (Bean Sprout, Tator Tot, and Princess Penelope) are snuggling in for the long haul.

So far I have done everything right. I have been on bed rest for almost 48 hours, only getting up to use to washroom. And today we are 2dp5dt. For those of you wondering, what happens when, let me give you the timeline of a day 5 transfer.

1dp5dt - (1day past 5 day transfer) - Blastocyst hatches out of shell
2dp5dt - Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dp5dt - Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dp5dt - Implantation process continues as it buries deeper in the lining
5dp5dt - Blastocyst is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dp5dt - Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dp5dt - More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dp5dt - More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dp5dt - HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT
10dp5dt - Pregnancy Beta test

So hopefully, today, our three little guys have already hatched from their shells and are attaching to the uterus lining at this very moment.

Come on Bean Sprout, Tator Tot, and Princess Penelope --

You can do it!!

We love you. We need you. We believe in you.

We Have Blast Off !!!

2008-11-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

Drumroll please...

We just got back from our embryo transfer where we were thrilled to learn that we FINALLY made a blastocyst!

Not only that, but we made 3. Granted, none were perfect AA grades, but given our history we are ecstatic.

I arrived with a full bladder and got cozy in our transfer room. The nurse gave me a valium to help my uterus relax, which I was skeptical of, so I only took a half a dose. Then I relaxed under the warm blankets until the sonographer came to check that my bladder was adequately full. We were waiting on pins and needles until the embryologist finally came into the room. He proceeded to give us our report:

Out of our original 11 fertilized embryos, we had 5 left waiting for us today -- 3 blasts and 2 morulas. Here are the details:

Embryo 1: advanced blastocyst, rating: 3BA
Embryo 2: early blastocyst (not rated -- looks very healthy)
Embryo 3: early blastocyst (not rated -- some noticeable fragmentation).
Embryo 4: morula (not rated, blastulating).
Embryo 5: morula (not rated).

CCRM rates the advanced blasts as follows:

The number refers to the development stage of the blast (1 is earliest, 6 is most advanced). 1 = cavity less than half the volume of the embryo. 2 = cavity greater than than half the volume. 3 = Full blast, cavity completely fills the embryo. 4 = Expanded blast, cavity larger than the embryo, thinning shell. 5 = Hatching out of the shell. 6 = Hatched out of the shell. The first letter is the grade of the inner cell mass (cells that become the fetus), ranging from A to C, with A being the highest and C being the lowest quality. A = Many cells, tightly packed. B = Several cells, loosely grouped. C = Very few cells. The second letter is the grade of future placenta. A = Many cells, forming a cohesive layer.B = Few cells, forming a loose epithelium.
C = Very few large cells.

Out of the 5 embryos fertilized on the day after retrieval:
3 are still in the running to make good blasts.
One is quite fragmented, and one is arrested.
We'll get a call about those tomorrow, as well as the other embryos to see if there are any to freeze.

Our embryologist recommended that we transfer the two best but we felt strongly that we wanted to transfer three, and given our history he agreed and confirmed with Dr. Schoolcraft that three was our magic number. He recommended transferring the advanced blast, the good looking early blast and the blastulating morula (rather than the fragmented third blast). He did assisted hatching (using a laser to shave a portion of the shell away, making it easier for the embryo to hatch out) on the morula and early blast, but not the advanced blast (the important cell mass is too close to the outer layer to assist on the advanced blast).

Unfortunately CCRM does not give out pictures of the embryos (like our last clinic did) as they feel taking a picture could hurt them in some way. But, we brought our camera and asked to take a picture of the screen right before the transfer and the embryologist agreed that would be OK as long as the flash is off. The picture is a little grainy, but we're so happy to see our 3 little beans!

Dr. Schoolcraft (the magician behind the curtain) finally made his appearance and we got to meet him face to face for the first time!. He was calm, nice and most of all quick. The embryo transfer was over within 5 minutes, and that makes me officially pregnant with triplets. In reality, we were given a 50% chance of implantation for the advanced blast, 40% for the early blast and 30% for the morula.

After the transfer I was left to rest for an hour in the transfer room. Then I was wheelchaired out of the building and back to the hotel where I'm on strict bed rest until Thursday morning (nearly 48 hours).

We are so relieved, happy and blessed that we finally made blasts at CCRM, and topped off this difficult cycle with a successful transfer.

We can hardly believe it -- we are PUPO WITH TRIPLETS !!!

Heading Out For Our Embryo Transfer!

2008-11-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

We are so excited this morning!

We can't believe that today is the day, that our em-babies are FINALLY coming home!

I'm feeling much better today -- well rested, healthy, and hydrated -- even if still a little stiff and sore. I couldn't ask for anything more! Thank god it has all worked out like this, because we were biting our nails for a while the other night. But whatever bug I had is out of my system and it is full steam ahead.

Our embryo transfer is at 1:30pm. We are supposed to show up an hour early to get prepped and ready and calmly in our room before the big moment. And you will never guess -- Dr. Schoolcraft himself is set to do our transfer, so we will finally have a chance to meet the man who will hopefully be responsible for our future child.

We are all set and ready to go! We washed our 'transfer clothes' in soapless water last night and hung them to dry so they wouldn't smell like fabric softener. We have both had soapless showers this morning and have no creams, lotions, or deodorants on. Embryos are very sensitive to synthetic smells, and when they are taken from the tank, loaded into the catheter, they are exposed to the air for a few minutes before they are placed into the uterus. So we are nice and scent free for them this morning, doing everything we can to help the process!

We're so nervous what to expect when we get there. Wondering how many embryos have arrested, how many are still left, whether or not they are good quality? And of course, the big question, the one we can't shake -- have any of our embryos made it over the hump from morulas to blastocysts?

We are crossing all our fingers and toes, holding our breath and sending up prayers, that we will go in today and hear the amazing news that the CCRM lab helped our embryos grow to blast. We can't even let ourselves think that we are only going to be transferring morulas again this time. We can't let ourselves believe that it didn't happen. It might not have, and if it didn't we will face that reality then, but for now we are going to hold onto hope and think the best.

Blastocysts here we come!

A Night In The Emergency Room

2008-11-17T15:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday around noon, I started to not feel so great.

No big surprise, my body is on tons of medications, pumped full of hormones, has just survived surgury, a couple fainting spells, some vomiting, along with about 2 months of needles and bloodtests. It's not surprising that I would feel pretty yucky.

But around 2pm, I was sick to my stomach again. Thinking that would be the end of it, I laid down to rest. Boy, was I wrong! I continued to barf my guts out (sorry for being so crass, but man!) every 10-15 minutes until 10pm. At that point I was so weak, dehydrated, and couldn't even get up off the bathroom floor, so Dave called Dr. Schoolcraft. At this point, I had bared up all my IVF medications and couldn't get any more down, and felt sicker than I ever had been.

The consensus was that I needed to go straight to emergency. CCRM worries about extreme sickness, high fevers, chills, sore stomach, and a number of other symptoms that could indicate OHSS (Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome). This is where fluid from all those eggs I made leaks from the ovaries into the stomach and other organs and can cause serious health risks. Going to the ER is my worst nightmare, but since I was in no condition to argue, off we went.

Dave got me to the emergency room right away, where I proceeded to barf in the public bathroom, until the nurse came and got me with a wheelchair, because I was so weak I couldn't make it down the hall. I was into the hospital bed in a jiff, and the nurse covered me up with warm blankets to help with my chills. Dr. Schoolcraft had already called (god bless him) and spoke with the doctor on call, so the doctor knew all about my medications and what we we there to check for.

The first thing they did was get an IV in me, and pump me full of fluids and anti-nausea and anti-anxiety medications. They needed to take blood -- 8 viles -- and check for a bunch of things, I don't even remember what. They let the fluids work for about three hours, and then they wanted me to do a catscan. Dr. Schoolcraft and the ER doctor were working very closely together so that no medications they were giving me would compromise a possible Egg Transfer. I just remember being so thirsty, and they wouldn't let me drink water -- just in case I needed surgery. But they did make me drink a liter of solution they need in my stomach for the catscan. The catscan of my stomach was quick but awful, especially when they put the iodine into my IV. That stuff burns and makes you feel so disgusting and hot all over. I was so glad when it was done.

Then it was back to the room, for more liquid IV and a few more tests.

Finally at around 3am my catscan results came back. Dr. Schoolcraft was still up, waiting for my results, and the ER doctor faxed them to him. Can you believe that?! What an amazing doctor he is to care about his patients so much, as I am sure he could have just left it all to the ER doctor and looked in the morning. I have so much respect for him for staying so closely linked to my condition throughout the night. And am so glad he's our doctor!

Finally, at 4am my IV was taken out and we were discharged. We were exhausted and just wanted nothing more than to go home to bed.

I woke up this morning at noon, still tired, but hydrated. And I had to go to CCRM for a blood draw (Ugh - more bloodwork after a full night of IV and bloodwork!) and and ultrasound to check about any possible fluid still in the ovaries. For somebody with a medical phobia -- this cycle has practically pushed me to my limit!

But the good news is that Dr. Schoolcraft has completely rules out OHSS, and the conclusion was that I picked up a nasty 24 hour GI track flu that is going around.

Talk about bad timing!

Today I'm feeling much better, resting, eating chicken noodle soup, and drinking ginger ale and vitamin water. I have got to get my strength built up for my embryo transfer tomorrow. Based on all the results, Dr. Schoolcraft is comfortable and confident going ahead with embryo transfer if I'm feeling up to it.

Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be ready for our embabies to come home.

Day-3 Embryo Report

2008-11-16T09:29:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like we are doing a Day-5 transfer!

Dave spoke with our embryologist this morning and got an update about how our little embryos are doing. We were happy to learn that CCRM gives much more detailed information about the embryos than our old clinic, as it's always nice to know exactly what you are up against.

So without further ado, here's our report:

OUR DAY-3 EMBRYOS:

Out of our first batch of our original 11 Embryos, we have 8 left, 5 being great chances, and 3 that still have a chance to catch up.

Embryo #1: 8 Cells, Grade 4
Embryo #2: 8 Cells, Grade 4-
Embryo #3: 8 Cells, Grade 4-
Embryo #4: 8 Cells, Grade 4-
Embryo #5: 8 Cells, Grade 4-
Embryo #6: 6 Cells, Grade 4
Embryo #7: 6 Cells, Grade 4-
Embryo #8: 6 Cells, Grade 3+
Embryo #9: 5 Cells, Grade 3+, ARRESTING
Embryo #10: 4 Cells, Grade 3+, ARRESTING
Embryo #11: 2 Cells, ARRESTED

CCRM Day 3 RATING SYSTEM

1. First, they grade the Number of Cells - They want the embryos to be between 6-10 cells, 8 cells being perfect.
2. Next, they grade the Fragmentation of the Embryo -- Which is the debris left behind as the cells divide. They grade fragmentation as follows:

4 : 0% fragmentation
4- : less than 10% fragmentation
3+ : less than 20% fragmentation
3 : less than 30% fragmentation
3- : less than 40% fragmentation
2+ : less than 50% fragmentation
2 : less than 60% fragmentation
2- : less than 70% fragmentation
1+ : less than 80% fragmentation
1 : less than 90% fragmentation
1- : 100% fragmentation

OUR DAY-2 EMBRYOS:
Out of our second batch of our 5 New Embryos, we have all 5 left that are within range to continue to develop and grow. They like to see them between 2 and 6 cells on day-two, with 4 being perfect.

Embryo #1: 5 cells
Embryo #2: 4 cells
Embryo #3: 4 cells
Embryo #4: 4 cells
Embryo #5: 2 cells

Our embryo transfer will be scheduled for Tuesday, and we won't get another call between now and then. We will show up on our transfer day and get our new update on the spot and hope that we have some good blastocysts to transfer.

We're excited, but also nervous, because in the past we have always had good looking embryos on Day 3, but they always started to slow down and arrest on Day's 4 & 5. But our biggest problem, is that we've never had an embryo go from the Day-4 morula stage to the Day-5 blastocyst stage. So we are on pins and needles hoping, that this time, some of our little EM-BABIES will make it.

In the meantime, all we can do is try to put it out of our heads.

And wait.

Did I mention the waiting NEVER ends??

It's A New Day!

2008-11-15T19:04:00.000-08:00

Why does sunshine always make us feel better? And combine that with clear blue skies, fresh mountain air, and things start to look like a whole new day.

This morning, we decided to head out and clear our heads. So we drove up to Boulder, and walked along the trendy Pearl street. It wasn't long before being out in the fresh mountain air started to make me feel better. The surgery was behind me, all the needles finished, and it was a beautiful day.
And then, it got even better!

One of the embryologists called to report the best possible news I could imagine. Of the five additional eggs that they ICSI'd, all of them fertilized and grew overnight -- OH MY GOD! So that means we have 5 additional embryos growing -- for a total of 16!!!!

Imagine me with my jaw hanging open and my hands shaking with joy. I was so stunned I could barely beleive it. I had no hope that any would fertilize, let alone all 5! I feel so extremely lucky. And it has completely erased my guilt and worry. And now, I'm back on track, mentally and emotionally. No more beating myself up! I did everything I could. I triggered on the right day. I listened to my gut and called about our immature eggs. And we got 5 extra embryos!

Things have never looked better.

Okay, yes, I'm up and down more than a yo-yo on steroids. I do realize this. I'm not crazy, really, it's just how it is in IVF-land. The highs and lows never stop. Today I'm on a high again. But I know that there are more lows to come. It's just how it is -- this rollercoaster keeps us upside down and back around again, all within hours, days, and weeks. When we're low, we're so low that we don't think we will ever get off the ground. And when we are high, we are over the moon. Still, we know, that it's all part of a process, a long long road, with only one answer at the end.

But for now, we are truly counting our blessings, and more hopeful than ever.

So we continued on with our day, and drove toward Estes Park and The Rocky Mountain National Park with a renewed sense of hope. We talked, we laughed, and we took in the beauty around us.

The scenery was amazing. There is something about being in the mountains that makes you feel so alive. They are so majestic and brilliant and make you feel like anything is possible.

And today, we believe it is!

So tonight we go to sleep filled with hope once again, and wondering what tomorrow will bring. We will be getting a call with our Day 3 Embryo report in the morning -- and aren't sure what will happen. We could be doing our transfer as early as tomorrow morning, or not until Tuesday. We are really hoping for a day 5 transfer, but for once, we aren't going to sweat it.

We'll find out soon enough :)

Worry, Guilt, And The Burden of 'What if'?

2008-11-15T06:53:00.000-08:00

It's no secret that I obsess about things.

I obsess about even the smallest things in life, so you can imagine how I am with the biggest. I go over things and over things in my mind. Dissecting them, rethinking them, focusing on every last detail. I worry. I play things over and over in my mind. And I find it really hard to let things go, especially when I feel they could have been avoided, if only I'd been more on top of things.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing.

I was sobbing so hard I could barely breathe. It was all Dave could do to comfort me. Sometimes infertility hurts to your very core. It's a rollercoaster. One minute you are up, the next you are so low you don't know if it's possible to bear so much pain. It sneaks up on us, squeezes, hurts so bad that you think the pain will kill you. And you can’t stop it. There is no rationalizing it. It comes fast and furious, taking hold and torturing our hearts, minds, and souls. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone, unexplainable and completely devastating. It is simply unbearable.

The fear of this final cycle failing brought me to my knees last night. Even though it's now when I should be most hopeful. It's now when we've had more embryos growing in a lab than we ever have before. It's now when we are have the best chances with the best lab in the world that we've never had before. It's now when we might even have a few new embryos growing in the lab today that I should be jumping for joy. It's now when I should be celebrating that I am crying.

I hate infertility. this stupid ugly beast. She sends fear, her partner in crime into our hearts to torture us. To sap our hope. To remind us that we are kidding ourselves. That is has never worked before, so why would it work now. To taunt and laugh in our face and bring even the most hopeful person to their knees.

But my pain doesn't come from fear of failure. It comes from fear of regret. It comes from the fear that if this cycle fails, if we are forced to face a life without biological children, that I will be haunted forever, that I will never be able to let go of the guilt, of the 'what if' thinking. That I will never stop wondering if I could have done something to change the outcome.

Up until now, this was my biggest fear. I want closure. I want to be able to walk away knowing I did everything I could. That's why I put myself in a position to have no regrets. I ate all the right foods, got all the right bodywork, asked all the right questions, came to the best clinic and lab in the country, double checked my protocol, asked and reasked questions that I needed to know, scheduled regroups and extra appointments with our doctor. Up until now, I did everything I could. I dotted all our I's and crossed all our T's. I listened to all those nagging voices in my head.

Except one.

And that is what woke me up with uncontrollable sobbing, regret, and a feeling that it's my fault for ignoring the voice in my head that told me we were triggering too early. That I should have picked up the phone and questioned it. that I should have listened to that voice that told me I wanted to coast for one more night before triggering. That I should have at least called and told them my concerns.

And now it is too late. Half my eggs were immature, and I can't help feeling that if I had of listened to my gut feeling, I could somehow have changed the outcome and got us almost double the chances.

But what I'm even more afraid of, is that if this cycle fails, if we do get to the end of this and the answer is no, that I will always look back and wonder. The one thing I wanted to avoid. I will always be asking "what if?" And that is a fate worse than anyone should ever have to bear. Because I'm afraid that that question will torture me forever.

I know I need to stop. I need to focus on the good. But right now, I'm just so afraid. And can't stop asking:

What if?

Another Chance!

2008-11-14T16:45:00.001-08:00

After my bout of depression over our lousy mature egg ratio, I just couldn't shake the pit in my stomach, and knew I needed to do something. So I listened to that nagging inner voice!

One of the great things about joining fertility boards is that you pick up a lot of valuable information along the way. And I remembered that a couple of girls, who had bad maturity/fertilization rates, actually grew their immature eggs out in the CCRM lab for another day to see if any turned mature. I'm not sure how many labs are capable of doing this, but I know CCRM has done it for a couple ladies. So I got on the phone and made the call to ask our embryologist if our eggs had been thrown away yet, and if not, could we please try to grow them out for an extra day.

He proceeded to tell me that they usually only do this is cases where the first attempt at fertilization is really really low, sort of as a back-up -- and reminded me that these eggs are usually not the greatest and mostly lead to poor embryos -- but that it is possible that they would turn into strong viable embryos, and that if we really wanted, he would do Day-2 ICSI on any of our eggs that become mature this afteroon! We ended up with 5 additional eggs that were mature. He agreed to ICSI them and let us know if any more make it. So it's possible that we will have a few additional embryos tomorrow. Fingers crossed!

I am SOOO happy that I listened to my inner voice, yet again, and made that call.

It just goes to show you that you can never let those nagging inner voices slide. If I hadn't have called, we wouldn't have this extra chance. And we are both so thankful that we do!

After the call, we were feeling so much better and went out to enjoy the day in sunny (and snowy!) Colorado. We had a fabulous day at the GARDEN OF THE GODS, and offered up a prayer to those Gods, if they were listening, to help our embryos grow nice and strong!

Fertilization Report

2008-11-14T09:21:00.000-08:00

Ugh.

Out of the amazing 28 eggs that they retrieved, only 14 were mature.

The moment I heard this, my heart sank.

Only 50% of my eggs were usable. A really bad rate of maturity for us, as we've always had about 80% maturity in the past.

I had a sinking feeling, we might have triggered a day too early, but how was I supposed to know. I just listened to what the experts told me and silenced those nagging voices in my head.

The good news is the 11 of the 14 eggs they injected, fertilized - which is a really good rate for us. The embryologist did a great job with what he had to work with.

And comparing this to our last cycles, we are still ahead, just barely, but we are. Our first cycle we had 17 eggs retreived, 13 mature, 7 fertilized, and our second cycle we had 18 eggs retreived, 15 mature, and 10 fertilize.

Our embryologist, John, ended up using PICSI, and had a good number of sperm bind to the hyaluron. This means that Dave had a good rate of mature sperm. Next they looked at those sperm under high mag to sort out the many morphologically degenerate sperm in order to choose the best of the bunch -- and he noted that there were a lot of really bad ones to find the good. Next they did ICSI to inject our eggs, and he said that process went very well, and they didn't need to use the laser.

He still anticipates a 5 day transfer based on the fact that we have 11 embryos growing in the lab, but we will get another call on Sunday morning to let us know how everything is going, and whether we need to come in right away for a day 3 transfer.

It's all out of our hands now. I have to try to remember that. I must try to get over my disappointment and focus on the reality. We have 11 embryos. 11 chances. No more, no less. And there is nothing I can do to help our embryos grow at this point.

Dave keeps reminding me that this is good, always the optimist. But I can't help but shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm trying, but it's hard.

For now we are just clinging to hope that the CCRM lab is magic for us, and that we will finally have a day 5 blastocyst to transfer.

But for now, it's wait and see...

On Pins and Needles

2008-11-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

I couldn't sleep all night.

I tossed and turned and wondered.

You see, the magic happens in the lab.

Ironic isn't it? This miracle called life, that is supposed to happen in the woman's uterus -- an intimate process between a man and woman, where nature creates it's most precious miracle -- actually happens in a sterile lab with petri dishes, solutions, and a team of skilled embryologists who literally play God.

Our embryologist's name is John.

Right now, the fate of our future child is in the hands of a man named John. So last night I offered up a DEAR JOHN prayer, because, hey, he might not be God, but he's pretty close to the real thing to me.

The lab process of IVF lasts anywhere from 0-6 days. And we are on pins and needles for every single one of them.

We sit, we wait, we wonder.

How many will fertilize? Divide? Grow?

How many will we lose today?

We're hopeful but we're realistic. We've been here before. We know the drill. Our embryos just aren't good growers, and they have always slowed and arrested in the dish by day 5, never, not once, making a healhty blastocyst.

We are hoping for the best, but can't help preparing for the worst. We know each day our chances will be whittled down. We know the averages, how they work, and what we can hopefully expect. But I can't help playing the 'numbers game'.

If we have 28 eggs, our best case senario would be:
*About a 80% maturity rate (22 eggs)
*Between 50-80% of those fertilize and become embryos (11 - 18 embryos)
*About 50% of those make it to day 3 transfer (5-9 strong embryos)
*About 50% of those make it to day 5 transfer (2 -5 strong embryos)

But how will it really play out? And does CCRM have the magic lab we've heard so much about? Will this time be different? Will we actually have the chance to transfer a strong healthy embryo that hatches and implants?

God (I mean John), I hope so.

Egg Retrieval Is Over!

2008-11-13T12:10:00.001-08:00

Just a quick update, as I'm still a little woozy, nauseous, and tired after a tough morning.

This morning Dr. Schoolcraft (who I still haven’t met) got back in town today and did my surgury. And the verdict is....

28 Eggs!!! WOO-HOO!

We can't believe it, especially since my Antral Follicle count was only 13, and Dr. Schoolcraft predicted no more than 15. I think he must have been trying to keep my expectations low, because HOLY COW!! We thought this cycle we would end up with our lowest eggs retreived, but we were so wrong. Our first IVF we had 17 retrieved, and our second IVF we had 18. This completely exceeds ANY expectations we had, and all I can say is that those whopper doses of stims did thier job! and not only that but yesterday after my trigger shot, my levels came back as follows:

E2 -- 2784

P4 -- 7.79

HCG -- 334

It's very surprising to us that we ended up with my lowest E2 level ever on surgury day, after growing so many eggs. Dr. Schoolcraft sure did a great job of growing those follicles while keeping my e2 in check and making sure I don't hyperstimulate. I'm SO impressed!

We are so excited, but trying to stay level headed. Some of those eggs will be immature and some will be post mature, therefore unusable. But we will find out exactly how many were mature tomorrow, and the even bigger news of exactly how many fertilized. We're nervous because in the past we have only had around a 50% fertilization rate, but we spoke to the embriologist today after surgury (I barely remember it, except that he was really nice!) and he assured me they are on the case!

They are going to use ICSI to fertilize the eggs -- which means inject the sperm right into the egg, rather than let them fertilize on their own in the dish. And he also mentioned that they might use laser ICSI (which I didn't even know existed), in order to help with fertilization of any harder eggs -- which has been a problem for us in the past. He confirmed that he is also going to use High Mag resolution to try to get the absolute best sperm for injection, combined with a special sperm selection process called PICSI -- where the sperm are sorted and divided in a special dish by binding to a hyaluron strip as a way to select the best.

We are cautiously optimistic for our fertilization report tomorrow.

But for now, we are just celebrating our 28 eggs! And going to have a good sleep this afternoon while I recover.

Dear God

2008-11-12T18:19:00.000-08:00

I know we haven't exactly been on speaking terms.

I know I've stopped praying, and believing, and asking for your help. I know I've given up on you, thought that you abandoned me, and cursed the fact that I ever beleived in you.

I've put my fate in your hands, I've prayed, I've believed, I've bargained, I've begged, and I've promised that I would do anything, I promised to be a better person, to spend my entire life making it up to you, if only you would grant us a baby. And when you denied me, time after time, I slowly stopped asking, believing, and praying. I lost hope. I lost faith. I lost you.

But now I'm back. And I'm asking, one last time, please dear god, please be there for me tomorrow for a successful surgery. Watch over my eggs, as they are taken from my body to a safe place to be fertilized. Stay with them, and help them fertilize, grow, and divide. Help them grow into strong beautiful embryos, and viable healthy blastocysts.

Please dear god, please, watch over our embryos and protect them. Give them strength and courage to grow. Let them know that they are loved and wanted and that we are waiting for them. Let them know that they have parents who promise to love them forever, and we are waiting with open arms for them to come home to us.

Amen.

10 Reasons To Be Thankful

2008-11-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

1. I survived my trigger needle last night.

2. I have finished taking the last IVF needle I will ever take.

3. My eggs are growing strong inside me for one last night.

4. CCRM has been so good to me, and handled my care with detail and compassion.

5. Even though we've still yet to meet the infamous Dr. Schoolcraft, he has managed my protocol with great skill and attention.

6. We have wonderful family and friends who are rooting for us and sending positive vibes our way.

7. At this time tomorrow, my surgury will be over and the worst will officially be behind me.

8. Tomorrow afternoon my eggs will be fertilized with Dave's sperm and we will have embryos growing in a lab!

9. We were able to come up with the resources to go through this process with the best fertility clinic in the country and give ourselves one last shot.

10. No matter what happens with our cycle from this point forward -- we still have each other.

Eggshausted and Eggcited!

2008-11-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

Cooking eggs takes a lot out of a girl!

Not to mention fainting, barfing, needles, bloodtests, and another full day of appointments. I'm completely wiped out. My stomach is hard and bloated, and we're both getting ready to be done with this.

But I'm happy to announce that after the awful day I had yesterday, I didn't give up. I climbed right back up on the horse, stared fear in the face, and took my nightly needles.

My numbers came in last night, and based on how things are progressing, Dr. Schoolcraft lowered my dose to 150 Gonal F but kept the 2 amps of menopur, along with the antagon the same.

NUMBERS -- DAY 8 of STIMS
E2 - 2477

P4 - 0.7

LH - 1

Left Ovary - 5 over 10, 2 less than 10

Right Ovary - 12 over 10, 3 less than 10

Average Follicle Size -- 14mm

Leading Follicle -- 19mm

And this morning I was right back at it. Another bloodtest first thing this morning to measure my levels. I was shaky this morning, my confidence was shattered after yesterday, but I made myself proud and once again stepped through my fear.

We got to CCRM today at 9:45am and didn't get out of there until 3:15pm -- 5.5 hours! Talk about a marathon. I felt like I was at my one-day work-up all over again. It was a long day but but it was a good day. We had an appointment with Dr. Minjarez, spoke to our nurse, spoke to the counselor, Dave gave his back-up sample, we did a walk through of the surgery room, signed consents, and prepared the nurses for our surgery and anesthesiologist needs.

We finally got home, completely exhausted, and got a call from our nurse with today's numbers.

NUMBERS -- DAY 9 of STIMS

E2 - 3211

P4 - 0.9

LH - 0.4

Left Ovary - 7 over 10, 1 less than 10

Right Ovary - 12 over 10, 3 less than 10

Average Follicle Size -- 16mm

Leading Follicle -- 23mm

And get this -- our nurse just called about our dosage for tonight and it turns out we are TRIGGERING!!! I thought it would be another day or two, but here we are already. Our trigger shot is scheduled for 10pm tonight, which makes our egg retrevial Thursday at 9am.

I am SOOO scared about this trigger shot tonight. We have always used ovidrel to trigger in the past, thus avoiding the scary IM injection. But tonight there is no getting around it. Dave says he's all practised up and ready, and the nurse drew a bulls-eye on my hip, exactly where he needs to give this sucker.

We can't believe it's all finally happening!! After 24 nights of needles, tonight is the last one!

We're scared, exhausted, and excited.

THIS IS IT!!

Thank You To My Cyber IF Girls

2008-11-11T08:02:00.000-08:00

I started this blog as a way to update my closest family and friends on our journey.

I wanted a single place where people could go to find out where we were at each step along the way, rather than have to answer questions and remember to update everyone. IVF is exhausting enough without the added burden of constantly updating people. I also wanted a place where people who were curious, but were afraid to ask, could read about our journey without the awkwardness of having to ask. And then there were our other friends and acquaintances who didn't even know we struggled with IF -- I wanted to open our journey up to all of them, so that they might see that we haven't just turned into these new not so fun, hard to be around people, for no reason.

But what I never expected was to find all of you. During most of my infertility struggles I was not interested in reaching out to others in a similar situation. I was gaurded. I was ashamed. I was in denial. I lurked on boards, I lurked on other blogs, I had no intentions of reaching out to make friends, even though my husband pushed me to reach out and try to connect. Even though he said I was slipping into a hole and needed to find support. But denial is a funny thing. I told myself that lurking was fine, but posting, meant that I was somehow giving in, that I was somehow admitting that thing I was desperate to overcome -- that I was infertile. That I was different than all my other friends and family. And that I might never have a child.

I finally, broke down, after our last failed cycle and posted my first question and comment ever on an IF board. I didn't do it for support or to make friends, I did it because I was lost. Because I needed answers to questions. Because my RE had none. And I was desperate to find my own. And that's where I found the most incredible group of women I've never even met! You answered questions, you shared your opinions, you shared your struggles, your hopes your dreams and your fears. You were a mirror, a reflection of everything I think and feel. And suddenly, for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel quite so alone. You inspired and encouraged and commiserated. But most of all, you were just there. There to listen, there to support, there to remind me that I'm stronger than I think.

I want to thank every last one of you for reaching out to me. For reading my blog, and for taking the time to respond. Your comments and support have meant more to me than I can ever say. I am simply touched that you would care and bother to take the time. That you, who don't even know me, who have never once met me, would be there to support and encourage me along this long lonely difficult road, and during the time when I need it the most. You are some of the strongest, most understanding, and truly wonderful women I've never met. You have become my biggest champions and my shoulder to lean on, and for that, I am forever grateful.

I know some of you have been through worse, I know some of you have been lucky enough to have finally crossed over to the other side, I know some of you have given up the fight altogether, and I know others, like me, are in the middle of cycles, middle of their two week waits, or suffering yet another loss and decision on what to do next. I admire and respect you all. And want nothing but the absolute best for every single one of us. I hope all our dreams come true, and all of us finally become mothers one day, but most of all, I hope that whatever happens, we are all someday able to find the peace and happiness we deserve.

Because we all deserve it.

Thank you for being there for me. I love you all.

Bad Day in Denver (by DH)

2008-11-10T15:57:00.000-08:00

Just a quick entry by David on Lisa's behalf to udpate everyone on a particularly bad day.

Lisa did ultrasound and bloodtest this morning with no problem (10:15 and 10:30) and from there went straight to her IVF physical.

While she was in there, she had a panic attack (there's a long history of medical phobia that Lisa overcame to get this far... she can tell you about it some other time). As she was getting her abdominal exam, she passed out (on the exam table). I was able to hold her on the table until she came around gasping for breath.

After that she couldn't get settled and we stayed in the exam room for about an hour with cold cloths and ice packs, trying to feel better. Then she got violently sick (in the biohazard waste container) several times. After that she felt better, and we were able to get her out into the parking lot for some fresh air (even though they wanted us to wait for Dr. Minarez [the only doctor on site this week] to come and see her).

Not long after that our nurse came out to see how we were doing... we agreed that we'd head back to the hotel and put Lisa to bed. Once we were in the hotel, she was sick again another 4 or 5 times over the next 3 hours... and just a few minutes ago she had some soda crackers and asked me to update the blog. One additional problem (not as bad as Lisa being sick) is that I missed my backup sample today. Will have to do it tomorrow, but that's really only leaving 2 days before probable surgery, still enough, but cutting it close.

We're still waiting for the call from our nurse to give us tonight's dosage, and poor Lisa's not really up for a needle, and she's afraid it's the drugs that are making her sick. She's almost feeling like we should just stop, but can't give up after coming this far. Dr. Minarez assures us that it's not the drugs causing the illness.
Dr. Minarez wants to see Lisa tomorrow, and we have to see the psychologist tomorrow as well (because of the fainting) before we can proceed with the cycle.

So it's been a bad day, and bracing for a worse night (with the needle), and more blood tests and appointments in the morning. Hopefully Lisa can get some sleep.

Mile High Home!

2008-11-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

We're finally here!

And not a moment too soon.

Saturday morning was hectic. We rushed into Seattle to do an ultra sound and bloodtest, before heading out for our flight. But once we were at the airport, things went smoothly and security let me through with all my drugs and needles, only confiscating our rubbing alcohol from the suitcase chocked full of meds. HURRAY -- One for the good guys!

We arrived in Denver and checked into our hotel just in time to check email and find out our numbers from our morning bloodwork and ultrasound in Seattle. While we were in transit the info was faxed to Denver, checked by Dr. Schoolcraft, and emailed to us, so that when we checked into our hotel we knew what dose of medication to take. And based on the numbers, Dr. Schoolcraft kept me on the same whopper doses of stims. I couldn't beleive it! I thought for sure he would lower them by now.

NUMBERS -- DAY 6 OF STIMS
E2 - 877
P4 - 0.6
LH - 0.3
Left Ovary - 4 over 10, 2 less than 10
Right Ovary - 8 over 10, 7, less than 10
Average Follicle Size -- 13mm
Leading Follicle - 17mm

After my evening doses of drugs, we crashed, thankfully, because we had to be up early for our first round of monitoring at CCRM!
It is such a great feeling to be back in Denver. The sky is blue and sunny, the air is crisp, and there is a feeling of hopefulness that has crept in and taken hold. So off we went to our first appointment, to get bloodwork and ultrasound done.

While we were waiting for our numbers to come back, we unpacked, headed to whole foods armed with our list of fertility foods, and got settled into the Marriott Residence Inn Denver (South Park Meadows Mall). It's about a five minute drive to CCRM, and right next door to a Park Meadows Mall with great shopping and restaurants. Our hotel room is perfect for us -- it's got a full kitchen, sitting area, small table, bedroom and bathroom for just $99 a night. It has free high speed internet, daily breakfast, and the staff is great, friendly, and accommodated all my extra requests for extra pillows and feather duvets for the room. I wanted to be sure to be as cozy as possible, and I'm happy to report that I am! The only thing that's missing is our dog but I know he's in the best of hands with my mom (who has already called to say they are having a ball together)!

When we got back to our room, we had a message waiting for us with today's numbers.

NUMBERS -- DAY 7 of STIMS
E2 - 1177
P4 - 0.6
LH - 0.7
Left Ovary - 4 over 10, 2 less than 10
Right Ovary - 8 over 10, 5 less than 10
Average Follicle Size -- 14mm
Leading Follicle -- 17mm

Unfortunately not to much has changed with my follicles in the last 24 hours, so Dr. Schoolcraft wants me to continue taking the big doses of stims --300 GonalF, 2amps Menopur! I can't believe it, in my last cycles, my old clinic had even started weaning me down my much smaller doses by day 6 and 7. But, I'm happy that my E2 isn't climbing out of control on these doses and happy to get the opportunity to see if I can grow some of those smaller follicles. The downside is that we are going to have to order even MORE drugs tomorrow. Oh well, what's more money at this point --- put it on our tab!

This afternoon we decided to head into Down Town Denver and look around. We walked around Market Street in Denver and along Cherry Creek Park trail.

It was great to get out together and enjoy the fresh air, but it's even better to be back in the room to crash. My stomach is getting heavy and full and my ovaries are pretty tender, and it seems to be taking a lot out of me. Tonight feels like a good TV night, and hopefully another good sleep before our many appointments tomorrow morning.

All in all, a very good day in beautiful Denver Colorado!

Getting Ready To Hit The Road!

2008-11-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

So long Seattle!

After 20 days of needles, including 4 doses of stims, we’re finally ready to fly to sunny Denver tomorrow morning!

For those of you wondering about the nitty gritty, let me give you the update. And for those of you who don't speak 'IVF', sorry for all the technical jargon.

OUR PROTOCOL DETAILS:

I'm still on whopper doses of stims. 300 Gonal F, 2 Amps of Menopur. And taking dexamethasone at night. I'm starting to get really bloated and feeling pretty yucky, so I'm trying to take it as a sign that this is working. And since I'm doing the antagonist protocol this time I start back up on antagon tonight (this is the stuff that I have the allergic reaction to. They switched me to cetrotide but it didn't help) so unfortunately I will just have to live with the welts, swelling and itching for a couple of hours after the injection. UGH! But what else can I do? We've spent so much extra money on drugs and monitoring this week that we weren't prepared for, but other than that, we're happy to be monitored so closely and taking the right drugs for my body. I really still can't believe I'm on such high doses, when every other cycle I've been on less than half and responded even better. My fertility really must be falling off the cliff faster and faster every year and month that goes by.

LISA'S HORMONE LEVEL UPDATE:

Day 3 (After 2 stim doses)
E2 - 118
P4 - Less than .2
LH - 0.8

Day 4 (After 3 stim doses)
E2 - 294
P4 - .2
LH - 0.6

I have today off from the dreaded bloodwork, thankfully. Which means I had a dose last night and one more tonight, before I'm checked again. I can't say that I'm not worried about my E2 shooting up over the next couple of days due to the fact that I'm still on whopper doses of Gonal F, and the fact that I have a history of coming close to hyperstimuating. But I'm trying not to worry. Dr. Schoolcraft is on the case, and I must at least TRY to let go of my obsessive worry.

OUR FOLLICLE UPDATE:

So far I've got a total of 18 follicles growing! 14 follicles growing on the right ovary, but only 4 on the left. What a big and crazy difference! I can't say that I'm not a little disappointed in my left side -- it's the least I've ever had grow there. But all in all the right side has made up for it. The one problem to note so far is that I already have about 3 that are almost at 14mm, quite a few around 7mm, and the rest are straggling behind. It's never a good thing to have them spread out so far in size, because when we do the egg retrieval, they will trigger me based on the average size, which means some will end up post mature, and unusable, and others will end up immature and unusable. So I'm hoping that the stragglers start catching up and the others slow down and I have a healthy average size to retrieve when it comes time. But only time will tell, and this, really is completely out of my hands right now.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, OUR SCHEDULE UPDATE:

TODAY: Pack like crazy!! We'll be away for 2 weeks, and I want to make sure I have enough creature comforts, all my comfy loose clothing, and the right things to make it through this stressful time. Confirm flight, rental car, and prepare all medication for flying. Some of our medications have to stay cold, so we will be cold packing them in a cooler, along with the rest of the meds and needles and bringing them on my carry on with me. Security is going to LOVE this. A woman with a million syringes in her bag. But the alternative is to check them, and possibly risk having my bag not show up, which at this point is not an option. My nurse has given me a note explaining that I'm allowed to be travelling with these needles and meds for medical purposes, but still, I'm very nervous about how this is going to go over.

TOMORROW: Our flight leaves at noon (Thank you for the flights Sue and Jim -- we really appreciate it!!!). Our car will be picking us up at 10am. But first, I have to get up and drag my butt into our Seattle clinic for an ultrasound and bloodtest at 7am for monitoring. The results will be faxed to our doctor at CCRM while we are flying and when we arrive in Denver, we will have an email waiting for us, about what doses we are supposed to take for my needles tonight. So this'll be tight. And stressful, but I'm just hoping everything works out and the plane doesn’t get delayed and we are able to pick up the rental car on time, or we everything will get royally screwed up. So fingers crossed it all works out. I'm actually excited to finally be travelling, but I'm sad to leave our dog (but thank you SOOOO much mom for staying and looking after him for 2 weeks while we are gone. I feel so much better that he'll be loved and taken care of!)

SUNDAY: Starts our daily bloodwork and ultra sounds in Denver. We have a bunch of other appointments set up, and we will basically continue on my medication at the appropriate new doses until finally, at some point, the doctor will make the call to give the trigger shot. (And that is a brutal one!)

TENTATIVE EGG RETRIEVAL SURGURY: As of right now, our tentative surgury is set for Friday Nov. 14th. This could either get moved up or back, depending on how follicle growth and hormone levels.

TENTATIVE EMBRYO TRANSFER: As of right now, our tentative transfer is set for sometime between Nov. 17th and Nov. 20th depending on if my eggs fertilize, how well they divide and grow, and the big big question -- whether or not we have enough strong embryos that hopefully (cross fingers) grow into blasts this time!!!

I really can't believe that it's here already. I'm nervous, I'm excited, and I'm trying to build up my hope. This is it! This going to be the one! Cross your fingers and toes everyone.

Denver Here We (finally) Come!

Infertility And The Bamboo Tree

2008-11-06T09:59:00.000-08:00

Life is often like the Chinese bamboo tree.

It can be discouraging and challenging and filled with despair. We do everything we can, we do everything right, we try our hardest and our best, yet nothing happens. And we wonder if all our hard work will ever pay off. But it's when life seems it's most unbearable, that we must persist, believe, and have faith.

And while this road is filled with heartache, road blocks, sorrow, and frustration -- it is also filled with the lesson of patience, courage, faith and hope. And that with hope, all things are possible.

So today I will hold onto hope. And I will wait, patiently for my bamboo seed to take root, and to hopefully, finally --

Grow...

Click here to watch the inspiring story of the bamboo tree.

The Dream Nursery

2008-11-04T14:16:00.001-08:00

It turns out the forbidden fruit is not the apple...

It's Pottery Barn for Kids!

And Eve thought she was tempted! Ha! I'll take her apple and raise her a designer nursery any day.

Designer baby stores are everywhere! Tempting me. Calling out to me. As if the juiciest most forbidden apple on the tree. God, looks down at us infertiles and says -- that for us, pottery barn for kids is forbidden. And we believe him. We know that upon entering we are likely to break into a million pieces and fall into a puddle on the floor, struck dead upon entering. But we can't help from peeking in, window shopping, fantasizing about our own dream nursery in our weakest of moments.

The snake is there to tempt us. Opening the door to baby-land, telling us to go in, telling us to take just one little bite. Just one stuffed lamb. One cuddly blanket. One baby outfit. It won't kill you, the snake tempts us. Oh yes it will, we say. And we know for sure, if this cycle fails, yet again, the sight of even one baby item will be a knife in the heart. That God will surely punish us for eating the forbidden fruit.

But if Eve can do it, why can't we? She survived after all, original sin and all! And everyone needs to shop, right? It's practically a survival mechanism in low times such as these. Especially when we have already given up wine, chocolate, caffeine, and all remnants of a social life.

Shopping is practically the only thing we have left!

And I have been dying to buy baby things for about as long as I can remember. I mean, who among us hasn't longed to go into a baby store and rack up an obscene amount on the credit card? Who hasn't looked at all the designer baby gear and simply salivated with the urge to buy it all. I've been fantasizing about paint, and bedding and cribs and knickknacks for years. I daydream about those big wooden white letters for the wall. I pine for those oversized nursing chairs, and those big fluffy white lambs. And have you ever browsed the stuffed mobiles? I mean, as if! And what about all those itty bitty outfits, the tiny booties, the ultra soft blankets. And don't you just find it hard to control yourself around high tech strollers, designer diaper bags, and snuggly baby carriers?

I have played both sides. I have thrown the baby magazines across the room. I have ripped them in half. I have run out of stores in tears. And stayed away like they are the plague. So far, in this journey, I have done my best to shun all things baby.

But since I'm going to let myself dream a little, well, the nursery is the place to begin!

I've always wanted to let myself go. To just start buying. To throw caution to the wind and create that dream nursery I've always wanted. But I've stopped myself, aware that the pain would be too unbearable. And even though I won't actually allow myself to start painting the nusery, to march into pottery barn for kids and charge every last item -- I will, for today, allow myself to dream.

About cuddling soft white blankets and stuffed toys and showcase nurseries that could melt even the coldest heart. And maybe, just maybe, I will tempt fate, reach out and take a bite of the ultimate forbidden fruit.

Because hey, If God strikes me dead, at least I'll have had one hell of a fun shopping spree first!

The Art of Surrendering

2008-11-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

I admit it.

I'm not good at letting go of control. But after a morning of new worries, and trying yet again to maintain a certain amount of control of this crazy process, I realize that what I really need to do, is let go.

My nurse will be happy to hear me say that. After three calls to discuss my day four monitoring, I'm finally on board. But it wasn't easy getting there. Dr. Schoolcraft is starting me off on whopper doses of stims tonight, double the amount I've ever taken. This is a good thing because hopefully my follicles will take off with a bang. But the downside is that my E2, which has a tendency to climb too high, too fast, could sky rocket. This of course, makes me very nervous. I don't want to be fighting an uphill battle with out of control E2, and have to cut all doses and trigger too early. I want to give the eggs lots of time to grow and mature. So I asked if I could be monitored on day three and day five, instead of just day four. My nurse understood my concerns, brought them to Dr. Schoolcraft's attention, and came back with the answer that day four is fine for my first check.

Finally, after hearing it for the third time, I realize that I need to let go, trust my doctors, and surrender to the process.

And that means changing my whole attitude.

All those platitudes about relaxing that usually drive me crazy, are exactly what I need to be focusing on right now. It's time to think positive. It's the time to throw away all those negative voices that whisper the nagging truth in my ear. That this is a long shot. That it doesn't happen for everyone. That sometimes things just don't work out. But today I must silence those horrible little voices. I must not let them filter in. I must stomp them out.

I need to stay relaxed, positive, and hopeful. I need to visualize this working. I need to breathe deeply and be good to myself. For the next three weeks I need to build up my hope and believe that everything is going to work out. It's hard, this rollercoaster ride. This back and forth between hope and fear. These highs and lows that never end. But this is what we must do. It's time to build up all the hope I can muster, and really truly let myself believe in miracles.

Deep down, I really am an idealist. Deep down, I've always believed in the happy ending, that dreams really can come true, and that anything is possible if you just believe. And no matter how much this never-ending cycle of grief has beat me down and tried to rob me of the best parts of myself -- I still want to believe in happy endings. That's why we're here, back again, to give it one last try. We are down, but we are not out. And it's time to allow myself to believe. Sometimes we need to let ourselves dream. We need to let ourselves hope. We need to believe that even though reality has shown us getting our hopes up only blows up in our face, that sometimes, just sometimes, miracles really do happen.

So today I will surrender. I will believe. And I will dream.

And I will say a prayer my grandparents always reminded me of.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Supression Check -- Take Three

2008-11-02T14:37:00.000-08:00

Well, they say the third time is the charm, and what do you know...

They are right!!!

I passed my suppression check today with flying colors.

The ultra sound showed no cysts. I have a resting antral follicle count of 21. And the uterus lining looks great. They drew my blood and measured my levels. The nurse said my E2 was less than 20 (they like to see it less than 50), and my progesterone was 0.2 (they like to see it less than 1).

Which means we FINALLY start stims tomorrow!

You think this news would have made me jump for joy, but after I got the call I burst into tears. Yes, IVF makes us crazy. The highs and the lows come at the craziest times. I suppose it could be the drugs throwing my emotions into a state of craziness. But I think it's more than that. I think just knowing that I'm finally going to start, and this is it -- our last chance, brought up a fear I wasn't prepared for. All of this is finally happening. And after almost 4 years of trying to have a baby every single day -- this will all be over in a few weeks. I mean, I'm happy that I'm coming to the end of this road, god knows we need to get on with our life, but the pressure for this to work is higher than anything I've ever experienced.

Thankfully I have a wonderful husband to help remind me that this time is going to be different. This is going to be the one. The third time is going to be the charm.

And CCRM is going to be our miracle.

I will keep repeating this over and over as I gear up to start my stim meds tomorrow and hopefully grow lots of healthy follicles!

Please please please

Extra Extra, Read All About It!

2008-10-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

You know your personal life has hit an all time low, when your dad calls you and asks if you got your period yet.

Perhaps a blog highlighting all the details of my reproductive cycle is just too much information! He he. But I don't care. I'm gonna scream it from the rooftops... AUNT FLO IS FINALLY HERE! And she's here with a vengeance, dressed up as the devil for Hallowe'en! And I couldn't be happier. This means I can finally (hopefully) get this show on the road!

So many things have been happening the last couple days. I started my new protocol. So far I have taken 2 injections of antagon, and I have 2 more left to go before my suppression check on Sunday. I'm telling you though, if I thought lupron was bad, this drug is pure evil. So far it has given me splitting headaches, made me feel completely ill, and given me welts and rashes at the injection site. Dr. Schoolcraft says I'm having an allergic reaction to it, and will be switching me from antagon to cetrotide tonight, which means more rushing around and money on drugs. But fingers crossed, this new injection is easier on my body and I won't get a reaction.

After coming to terms with the fact that Dr. Schoolcraft is heading out for a conference the day we arrive in Denver right through my surgery, I realized that I may not get a chance to speak with him again. And since I'm a planner, I decided to schedule a re-group appointment in anticipation of all the questions I might have as we get closer to trigger. Just to be safe! So Dave and I sat down with our list of questions, and Dr. Schoolcraft humored us as usual. He was very patient, answered all our questions, and just touching base with him made me feel more secure and confident moving forward.

He told me that BCPs and lupron had not suppressed me, and that some patients just don't respond to certain drugs. So he wanted to try antagon in order to suppress me. It works faster and is another way to keep the body from ovulating. He wants me to do 4 injections, then my suppression check, and then start stims. At least, that is the plan. He also increased my doses of stimulation medications by double the amount! I've always been a very good responder and my E2 has a tendency to get too high, but I think since I've been on suppression meds for so long, he wants to make sure that my follies start off with a bang!

Bring it on!

I suddenly have a very good feeling about all this! I think things have finally turned a corner and I am headed in the right direction. I won't know for sure until Thursday, but I'd say I'll be good to go!

Happy Halloween to everyone!

And an extra special Halloween to my friend Aunt Flo, who makes an excellent red fiery devil. Satan would be proud. Come to think of it, so would Dr. Schoolcraft -- who should really dress up as the wizard of Oz, seeing as he is the ultimate magic man behind the curtain. If I didn't have so much else going on, I would have tried to source some relevant Halloween costumes for the occasion -- Dave as a Sperm, me as an Egg.

Oh well, maybe next year. And hopefully we can dress our 'twins' up as embryos. Wouldn't that just be the cutest? But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself here....

I think it's best if I stay home tonight anyway. I have a mind to dress up as a crazy infertile woman and go trick or treating for a baby.

Hey, you never know. I might just get lucky!

I Am A Planner

2008-10-30T00:05:00.000-07:00

I can't help it. That's just who I am.

I'm famous for making lists, obsessing over details, and crafting big elaborate plans. I anticipate every possibility and plan accordingly. I make contingency plans. And then I make back-up contingency plans.

I like to know what's coming up ahead. I like to be prepared. I like things to go smoothly.

When I first started trying to conceive, I had it all planned out. I didn't want to get pregnant too young or too old. I knew what month I wanted to try, so that I could plan the months of my maternity leave. I had the whole thing planned out down to a T.

Looking back, I miss that innocent optimism. That notion that we could decide to have a baby, and it would just happen. That sense of control over our own lives that left us feeling like we could create the future that we wanted. But we were wrong. And our plans began to unravel, day after day, month after month, and year after year.

So why do I keep making plans? Why don't I just accept life as it is and surrender? Well. Why do birds fly? Why do fish swim? Why do planners plan? Because that's what they were born to do. Because that's what comes naturally. Because they just can't stop themselves.

I am a planner. I may have different plans. But I still make lists, I still obsess over details, and I still want to make the best plan with the cards we've been dealt. But unfortunately, even the ultimate planner, can’t plan an IVF cycle. Even the back-up contingency plans sometimes fall apart. And even the planner gets tired.

Sometimes, like right now, the plan needs to be simple and easy, and be one day at a time.

So here is my plan for today:

-Sit.
-Breathe.
-Relax.

Sounds like a good plan to me :)

Suppression Check -- Take Two

2008-10-28T19:01:00.000-07:00

Well, as hard as I worked at it, and boy did I work at it, Aunt Flow still isn't interested in coming to this darn old party.

So that meant heading out to suppression check number two, without so much as a sign from her. I had a blood draw and ultra sound at my local clinic, and the results were faxed to CCRM for interpretation.

Then I waited for the dreaded call...

Again.

And finally, the results rolled in...

-- My Progesterone is 10.5 (last check was 19, so it has come down, but they want to see it less than 1)
-- My E2 is 206 (last check was 149, so it has gone up, and they want to see it less than 50)
-- And my cyst measured about 16mm, which seems to have gone back up a bit too.

Which means...

I FAILED.

AGAIN!

The whole thing was pretty disheartening. After 17 days of BCP's and 12 days of lupron my body still isn't ready to cooperate. Aunt Flow is being a royal pain in my behind. And I'm getting tired and my body is starting to feel pretty miserable. For a girl who tries to avoid needles and blood tests, I'm sure not getting off easy here.

But the good news is that Dr. Schoolcraft has decided to switch things up. So as of tomorrow I'm now changing from the long lupron protocol to the antagonist protocol. Which means, I take no lupron tonight -- hurray! -- one less needle in the million more I have to go. But I must count my blessings where they come. And tomorrow I start 4 days of antagon injections. I have another suppression check scheduled for Sunday, and hopefully, cross fingers, will get the green light to finally start stims! And if AF does decide to show up before Sunday, then I might even be able to start sooner, although not holding my breath at this point.

So all in all, my cycle has been delayed by a week and a half (with the addition of about 10 extra days of needles) and I won't be travelling to Denver until at least Nov 7th. Arrrrgh! And not only that, but this means that Dr. Schoolcraft will be at the big IVF conference right at the time in my cycle I was trying to avoid. He was sure to tell me that he does call in every day and monitors his clients numbers, so I'm feeling better, but I'm starting to wonder if all of this is a bad sign. I'm sure hoping not, and that things start to pick up soon. They have to, right? I mean surely I am about to turn some kind of corner here? Dr. Schoolcraft is on the case, and I'm going to hold out hope. This is going to be the one. It has to be!

Which brings me to the best news of the day. My antral follicle count is now 23, whereas at my last two checks it was only 15! I have no idea why my count has increased but I'll take it!!

I'll take any good news at this point.

A Hug From My Mom

2008-10-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

My mom is here! And I think she's going to bring me some good luck.

It's been almost a year since I saw her last, but it feels like minutes. It was such a great feeling to see her at the airport, and then fall into her open arms for a great big and much needed hug.

My mom and I are best friends. We talk on the phone every day. And sure, we get on each other's nerves like any mother and daughter duo, but she is also the only person (after Dave) that I could imagine having around while I am going through all of this. And I'm so happy she's here to take care of me. Because sometimes, no matter how old you are, you just need your mom.

When our vet recommended that we do not fly with our 'baby' (shhh, he doesn't know he's a dog) anymore, I really had no idea what to do. Phinnegan is 11, and has travelled everywhere with us. He's taken over 20 flights, and stayed in so many hotels I can't even count. I just assumed we would bring our baby with us! But after the vet told us that we would be risking his health, we had no choice but to leave him behind. But I could never leave my baby in a kennel, not to mention who would snuggle up with him at night? Who would scratch that spot on his neck he likes so much? And how was I supposed to stay calm at such an important time while thinking about my baby with some stranger? Well, as soon as I told my mom my concerns, she was on the next flight out. She understands how stressful all this is. She would no sooner see her 'grand-dog' go to a kennel than I would. That's the great thing about my mom. She's always there for me whenever I need it. She's the best mom a girl could want, and the fact that she decided to fly out early in order to help us out, clean our house, and just simply be a shoulder to lean on, is exactly what makes my mom so special.

As an only child, my mom and I share a special bond. And even as an adult, the bond that we share is still as strong as ever. The moments and traditions and unconditional love and support is exactly the reason why I want to be a mom someday myself. I can't imagine not sharing that with my own child. she inspires me to keep dreaming and not to give up. And I know that one day, she'll make just as good a grandma, as she is a mom.

Thanks for coming mom. I love you. xo

The Top Ten Things Never to Say to an Infertile.

2008-10-27T00:14:00.001-07:00

Well AF has still not arrived. And maybe because I'm still in a fa-la-la mood, I will continue with my blog-rant.

This one goes out to all those uber fertile people, who need a lesson in moron management.

We know you are only trying to help, but please, if you know what's good for you, resist the urge to spew the following non-helpful, idiotic, and teeth-grinding suggestions our way.

The top ten things never to say to someone who's struggling with infertility...

10. But you're still young, you have your whole life to get pregnant.

9. Have you tried elevating your hips afterwards?

8. I know exactly how you feel. It took me 8 months to get pregnant with my third!

7. Consider yourself lucky! You and your husband get to travel and go out to dinner without worrying about a babysitter whenever you want!

6. I know this girl who tried for seven years and as soon as she finally gave up, she got pregnant on her own -- with twins!

5. Why don't you just adopt? As soon as my friend adopted, they got pregnant the next month!

4. Maybe if you quit trying so hard, it'll just happen.

3. You want to borrow my husband? I get pregnant just looking at him!

2. Have you tried reading "The Secret?"

And the number one thing never to say to someone who's struggling with infertility....

1. Maybe if you just relax...

Gee. Thanks. Why didn't I think of that!

Everything Happens For A Reason My @ss!

2008-10-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's because AF has still not shown up, or maybe it's because my hormones are raging through my body like a warzone, or maybe it's because this whole situation is making me good and depressed and cranky -- but I'm going to have a little blog rant.

This one is about Platitudes.

Those famous lines that everyone says, in order, I suppose, to help people feel better when they are at the end of thier ropes. You know the ones I'm talking about. They go sometihng like, "Everything happens for a reason", "This is all part of a bigger and better plan for you", "God never gives us more than we can handle."

Well. I'm sorry, but PUUUHLEASSSE!

Everything does not happen for a reason.
This is not god's will.
And god does not only give us what we can handle.

The truth is, bad things happen to good people all the time. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no easy explanation. And all these phrases are just things people tell themselves (and tell others) when they have no other explanation or don't know what to say. I used to say them too. But now I know the truth. And I would like to remind anyone going through this situation that they did not bring it on themselves. They are not meant for a different life or a better path. They are not being dealt this hand in life because they can handle it, or because they need to learn a lesson from it. It is what it is. No more and no less. And it sucks. And it's not fair. And it's not right. And it's not happening to you so that you learn to be stronger.

And for those of you who are skeptical -- then answer me this:

Why can't I have a baby when a crack whore can? Is it because I'm not meant to be a mother and she is? Why do little kids get sick and die when others live? Is there a lesson to be learned this? Why does a good driver get sideswiped and killed by a drunk who lives? Is it because it was just his time? Why do hurricanes wipe out entire cities? Is it because God has some bigger plan for all those victims and thier families? Why do murderers win the lottery? Is this really God's will?

No! It's not!

Even if we are never able to have a baby. Even if we go on to adopt a child we love with all our hearts. I will never believe that this was somehow supposed to happen. And that I should make peace with it because it's God's path for me. Life does not always work out the way we want it to. But that does not mean it's because it's supposed to work out that way. Life is hard. Life shows no mercy. There is no plan. No will. No reason. There is tragedy all around us. These people do not deserve these tragedies. Bad things happen to good people and that is just a fact of life. There is no softening it. No phrase that can explain it. No helpful sentence that will soothe or make it sound alright. There isn't a reason. There isn't a lesson to be learned. There isn't always another path that is meant for us. We make the best with what we are given, and what is taken away from us. Simple as that. We forge forward and make a new life, a new plan, we pick up the pieces and start again. But this is not because we are supposed to, it is because we have no other choice but to move forward and make the best out of the life we have been given.

And hopefully, we are able to find a sense of peace and happiness and new beginnings along the way.

Do not Pass Go. Do not Collect $200.

2008-10-24T16:49:00.000-07:00

Surprise, surprise.
(Insert big eye roll)

I went for my suppression check today, and unfortunately, as I was dreading, I won't be starting stims tomorrow as planned :(

Still no sign of evil AF, but the good news is that the cyst has shrunk from 17mm to 10mm. My levels on the other hand, show that I am not suppressed. At the moment my E2 is 149 (they like to see it less than 50), and my progesterone is 19 (they like to see it less than 1).

So this means I will need to continue lupron injections for the time-being, with another suppression check scheduled for Tuesday.

More needles!!

Happy bloody Friday.
(Insert bigger, more annoyed, crankiest eye roll you can imagine)

I'm with ya, cat. I'm with ya.

The Dreaded Suppression Check

2008-10-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today is all about Sing Songs, Suppression Checks, and Auntie Flow.

Otherwise known as the big 'S'!

After 8 days lupron injections, my suppression check is finally here. Of course, not without problems -- that just wouldn't be easy enough!

For those of you wondering, the purpose of the suppression check is to have an ultrasound, make sure I don't have any cysts, measure my lining and check my resting follicles. I also have my blood drawn to check my baseline hormone levels, specifically E2 and Progesterone. And if all looks good, I'm scheduled to start stimulation injections tomorrow -- the egg making part of the process, the part of this process that really gets this show on the road!

But my road my not lead anywhere but to a dead end or more laps around the track first:

PROBLEM #1 -- As of 8 days ago, I had an ultrasound that showed a 17mm cyst. This is very uncommon after taking BCP's because normally you would expect everything to be dormant. So this could be very bad news for me. It's unlikely that a cyst would shrink in 8 days, which makes me very nervous that it will still be there.

PROBLEM #2 -- As of this morning, AF has still yet to rear her ugly head! I stopped taking BCP's on Monday, so technically I should have gotten my period before today's suppression check, which would flush out the old and allow me to start fresh with a new lining, not to mention help flush away that ugly cyst who could still be lurking around. I've been doing everything I can think of to bring her on -- abdominal massages, feet up on the wall to increase blood flow to my uterus, castor oil packs on my abdomen to pull out toxins and help blood flow -- to no avial. I have even resorted to putting on my favorite pair of sexy undies and parading around the house in stark white pants. If that won't bring the stubborn witch to town, I don't know what will!

Dave spoke to our nurse this morning, who told him that I should go for my suppression check anyway, even if I don't get my period before my appointment. She said that we will likely still move forward with this cycle, assuming that:

- My is E2 is >50
- My Progesterone is <1
- There is no cyst >15mm

But she also said the cycle could be delayed or canceled if:

- My cyst has grown or is the same size.
- I have bad E2 levels
- I have bad progesterone levels

So of course, we're biting our nails, trying to stay calm, and coax dear Aunt Flow out of her shell with a good old fashioned sing along.

I'm trying to remember that my doctor knows what's best. But I can't help but worry that I am starting off on a less than desirable foot. That my perfect cycle is unraveling at the hinges...

But it's not over yet! I still have 4 hours to try to get AF to come out and play, as I parade around in my white pants, singing ever so joyfully, 'cyst cyst go away, come again some other day'.

Stay tuned...

And keep singing!

Caught Between Hope & Fear

2008-10-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Most days I fluctuate between hope and fear.

I started out in the land of hope. And I still get there some days. I try my hardest to stay there, with all the positive energy and dreams I came into this with. But fear has a way of taking hold, uninvited, unwanted, when you least expect it to.

For many of us, infertility has become a way of life. We are stuck somewhere in the middle. Trapped between hope and fear. Praying for hope and running from fear. But it never stays far behind. It follows us, hangs over us, like black clouds, bringing with it the promise of rain, the promise of night. But no matter how bad the storm is, we wait for a new day, patiently, with hope, for the sun to come out.

But more recently, I find myself leaning towards fear. Unable to hold onto hope. And that scares me. Every failed cycle brings with it more baggage, more hurt, and more intense fear for what lies ahead. Every failed cycle marks the beginning of new hope, another chance to try again. But sooner or later, the chances all dry up. Sooner or later, you feel yourself being choked by the reality that squeezes you tighter and tighter. The reality that this might never happen. The reality that we might really fail. I mean, really, fail. Not just now. But forever. We might end up childless, alone, isolated from friends and family, and never realize the dreams that we had for our lives. And even though, I push the thoughts away, even though I tell myself no, of course this will work, of course you will be a mother, of course you won't end up like that. I can't help but get this pit in my stomach. This feeling like I'm lying to myself. Handing myself a line, telling myself not to give up, to think positive, that miracles happen, that persistence pays off. Because the truth is, that's just not true. And while I'm still not ready to face the truth, while I'm still lingering somewhere between hope and fear, I know, deep down, that the end of the road is coming for us. When this cycle is over... it's over. And if the answer is no, if the hard work does not pay off, if the miracle doesn't come -- I will have to face something that I don't know how to face. That I can't imagine ever facing. Let alone comes to terms with. Yet, it hangs out there, approaching faster than I can stop it.

Our answer...

Our whole life...

For now, I cling onto hope with everything I can. I claw at it. I pray. I plead. I beg. And I wait to face a verdict that is coming, closing in on me, day by day.

***Yesterday I came across the following video that really captures this journey, and wanted to share. Please watch and pass along.
http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Fertility Foods

2008-10-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

They say you are what you eat.

Well if that is the case, I should have twenty babies by now!

But even though food alone will not cure infertility, it has been proven that what you eat, or fail to eat, can increase or decrease your chances of getting pregnant.

I have done hours of research on the subject, and take my list of fertility foods with me to the grocery store every single week. It is important to note that women and men's reproductive system works on a 90 day cycle -- so what you eat today will affect your egg and sperm for the next 90 days. And what you didn't eat 3 months ago, could have an effect on why your eggs or sperm are not looking so great today. I have come to beleive that diet really is a key factor in fertility and we must do all that we can to help the process.

So without further ado, here's Lisa's Fertility Food List:

Pineapple - Contains bromelain which can act as a blood thinner, that can increase blood flow to the uterus. Bromelain is found in fresh pineapple, specifically in the core. Pineapple also contains selenium that helps to thicken the uterine lining and promote a healthy womb lining which aids with implantation.

Brazil nuts -- A top source of selenium, a vitamin that helps keep sperm cells healthy while also helping sperm motility and quality. Brazil nuts are also a good source of vitamin E, an antioxidant that helps protect sperm cells against free-radical damage. Brazil nuts also help with implantation and to thicken the uterus lining.

Yams - Wild yams are said to be a fertility superfood that have also been linked with multiple births. A tribe in Africa whose diet consists mostly of yams was recently found to have exceptionally high rates of twins and multiple births. Yams are thought to contain chemicals that stimulate hyperovulation, increasing your chances of conceiving.

Maca - A fertility superfood from Peru which helps to balance the hormones, increase egg health, increase progesterone in the body, increase sperm count and health, and is a tonic for the endocrine system.

Royal Jelly - A fertility superfood which is said to increase egg health, quality of egg, and general fertility. It is rich is vitamins, calcium, iron, amino acids and immune stimulating properties. Interestingly, royal jelly is the food that is fed to the queen bee which is what makes her the queen bee. She goes on to live 6 years and lays up to 2000 eggs per day. Other bees live less than two months.

Bee Propolis and Bee Pollen - Two fertility super foods that are rich in nutrients to help the immune system, and it also helps women who have endometriosis.

Whole grains - Whole grains such as oats, brown rice, whole wheat and quinoa are complex carbohydrates that contain an abundance of B and E vitamins that are essential for cellular reproduction, hormonal balance and the production of healthy ova and sperm. Women should be sure to eat lots of oatmeal.

Oily Fish - Oily fish such as salmon, mackerel and sardines are the best source of essential fatty acids, omega-3 and omega-6 which play an important role in regulating reproductive functioning, improving blood flow and enhancing sperm quality and mobility.

Full Fat Dairy - Research has found that women who eat at least one portion of full fat dairy a day are significantly less likely to suffer from fertility problems that those who eat half fat or non dairy options. Whole dairy is a great source of calcium which is important in the development and maintenance of the nervous system, bones and blood. Great sources are whole milk, whole yogurt, cheese, ice cream. Have fun eating up!

Olive Oil -- Provides a rich source of vitamin E which is a powerful antioxidant and an essential fertility nutrient for both men and women as it improves the viability of sperm and helps to regulate both ovulation and the production of cervical mucus and healthy hormone functioning.

Garlic - Contains an abundance of fertility boosting nutrients which enhance male fertility and help prevent the chromosome breakage that may play a role in early miscarriage. Garlic also contains vitamin B6 which helps to regulate hormones and strengthens the immune system.

Blueberries - A superfood loaded with antioxidants. They are a natural disease fighting food, high in fiber, and contain a potent dose of proanthocyanidins beneficial for cognitive function, cardiovascular, and reproductive health.

Avocados - One of the most potent antioxidants and disease fighting foods available.

Green tea -- This one is controversial, because it contains caffeine, which is a fertility no, no. But, if you are so inclined to have a cup, this miracle tea contains antioxidants useful for cancer protection and, if taken regularly, can help to lower cholesterol, improve blood sugar balance and increase your energy and fertility.

Wild Fresh Salmon -- A miracle food that is extremely high in essential fatty acids. All of the cell membranes in the body are comprised of fatty acids and our brain is over 70% fatty tissues. These fats are crucial for a healthy mind, memory, blood pressure regulation, and fertility enhancement.

Raw Pumpkin & Sunflower Seeds - A great food for male fertility, as they contain high levels of zinc and essential fatty acids which are vital to healthy functioning of the male reproductive system. These seeds have been shown to help with male fertility. It is recommended that a man with a low sperm count eat 1/4 cup a day.

Almonds & Walnuts - these raw nuts are rich in healthy oils, zinc, selenium, and vitamin E that can increase sperm and egg quality.

Flaxseed - A miracle food that in known for it's cancer protective ability, along with providing a good source of fiber and essential fatty acids that will aid fertility.

Lean Red Meat - Lean red meat is a great source of iron which helps to prevent anemia, decreases the risk of ovulatory infertility and plays a role in the production and function of red blood cells. Red meat is also a good source of vitamin B12 which is essential in the maintenance and development of the nervous system.

Honey - Honey has been used to enhance fertility throughout history as it is incredibly rich in the minerals and amino acids that nourish the reproductive system and stimulate ovarian function.

Whey protein powder - Getting enough protein in your diet can have a huge effect on fertility. If you do not get enough protein in your diet, consider a protein powder that is organic or raised without hormones and antibiotics, and the protein source should never be soy.

Spirulina - A tiny aquatic plant that has more protein than soy, more Vitamin A than carrots, more iron than beef, and is easy to digest.

Spinach - Spinach and other leafy greens are an excellent source of folic acid which is important in optimizing sperm production, facilitating regular, healthy ova production and helping to prevent neural tube defects during early pregnancy. It is also a great source of iron and vitamin C which helps to enhance sperm quality by protecting the DNA stored within it from damage.

Oysters -It is the abundance of zinc that gives it its fertility boosting qualities. Zinc is often considered to be the most important fertility nutrient as it has been shown to help with both healthy sperm and egg production.

Chillies - Have been known to increase the flow of blood around the body, ensuring that the reproductive system gets a healthy supply. Chillies also stimulate endorphin production which means more fertility boosting, stress releasing, happy hormones circulate around your body. But don’t eat them after ovulation/transfer.

Red, Orange, & Dark Geen Vegetables - Getting enough vegetables is important for boosting overall reproductive health.

Citrus Fruits- Contain folic acid and can help with fertility.

Legumes (beans, peas, lentils, garbanzo)-- A good source of protein that can aid with fertility.

Eggs - High in selenium to help create a healthy uterus for implantation. Also a great source of protein to help with egg and sperm quality.

Quinoa -- A superfood that is a great source of protein that is linked to fighting cancer and increasing fertility.

2 Liters of Filtered Water Per Day(preferably not bottles) -- It should be filtered and clean to help flush out toxins from the body and increase general reproductive health. Plastic bottles could have PCB chemicals that leak into the water and contribute to cancer and low fertility.

** Remember to take a prenatal vitamin daily with extra folic acid.

** Try to buy organic wherever possible, because chemicals in non-organic foods have been linked to infertility. All vegetables and dairy should be organic. Fish should be wild, chicken should be free-range or organic, all red meats should be grass fed or organic, All grains should be whole and naturally grown.

So now you know what you should be eating. But what about what NOT to eat? Well, I have also compiled a list of no-no's, which can be just as important or even more so!

Lisa's List of Fertility Food No-no's:

No Regular Bananas -- If you eat bananas, which is a good thing, you must buy organic. There is pretty clear evidence that a common agricultural chemical used in growing bananas effects sperm morphology and motility---to the point of sterilizing farm workers. The chemical is absorbed into the growing fruit, so peeling it doesn't help. So make sure your bananas are organic men!

Cut out all Alcohol -- Alcohol can reduce your fertility by up to 50%.

Cut out Caffeine -- Caffeine in coffee, tea, cola, and chocolate has been shown to reduce male & female fertility. As little as one cup of coffee a day can cut your chances of conception in half.

Cut out Junk Food, Processed Foot and Saturated Fats -- This speaks for itself, but you need to be sure that your body is gaining nutrients from food, not empty calories.

Do Not Diet -- Even though it's tempting to want to fit into those new jeans, diets could be counterproductive to fertility.

Decrease Sugar -- Refined sugars not only make you gain weight but can disrupt your body's blood sugar levels. They will initially give you energy but later on you will suffer from an abrupt crash, and even more fatigue.

No Artificial Sweetener -- Although there has been a great deal of debate, studies have found that artificial sweeteners, like aspartame, may be linked to cancer and decreased fertility.

Watch your Herbal Supplements: Some people swear by herbs, but many doctors feel that you should cut all herbs while on fertility medications, because they can interfere with the process. This includes herbal teas, even chamomile. Instead try steamed milk, hot lemon with water, or apple cider!

After Ovulation/Transfer avoid Fish: Don't eat sushi or any raw fish. Avoid fish that have high mercury content due to their environment—including swordfish, tilefish, king mackerel, shark, and shell fish.

No Soft Cheeses after Ovulation/Transfer: Avoid cheeses such as brie, feta, and anything that is creamy or unpasturized.

So there you have it, a list of foods that can help increase/decrease our fertility odds. And hopefully bring us one step closer to holding a healthy baby in our arms.

Happy (and healthy) Eating!

Second Only To Cancer Patients

2008-10-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

Our medications arrived on the weekend -- one cycle worth, six weeks.

It's overwhelming to look at. It's terrfiying, it's heartbreaking, and it's exhausting. I feel like I'm going to be ill just looking at it all, knowing all the highs and lows that come with it. My body will swell up, I will gain ten pounds, I will be moody, cranky, tearful, and scared. I will get dizzy, feel sick, get headaches, have no energy, and feel like a zombie. We will be hopeful and scared and excited and heartbroken, as we hop back on the never ending rollercoaster ride. We will feel all the emotions humanly possible, as we pour our time and energy and hearts into this yet again. And there is no telling what the outcome will be. There are no guarantees. Yet, we go forward...

Sometimes I ask myself why. Why do we put ourselves through such suffering?

And today I can't help but remember something I read once, that has always stuck with me...

It has been proven that people with infertility, are second only to cancer patients, in what they will endure and put their bodies through to find a cure.

Second only to cancer patients.

But think about it, who would voluntarily, put themselves through all the emotional, physical, financial and medical pain and trauma, months after month, year after year -- with odds staked against them for the chance of a cure? Who would give themselves injection after injection, take medication after medication, have surgury after surgury, drive to appointment after appointment, get second oppinion after second oppinion, fly across the country in search of a specialist who might have the answer? Who else would participate in research studies, opt for controversal protocols, drugs, and procedures and cutting edge techinques that haven't been tested and approved yet? Who else would change their entire diet and lifestyle. Cut out all alcholol, all caffiene, all common cold and flu medication and tylenol? Who else would spend up to hundreds of thousands of dollars and year after year of their life of being tortured in order to cure themselves?

Cancer patients do it because they do not want to die. And thankfully being infertile will not kill you. But it's a kind of death of a dream. It's the death of an imagined future, that we do it for. Cancer patients want to be around to see their children grow up, to watch their grandchildren grow up, to have a rich full life. Infertile people do it to for the dream of seeing their children grow up, for the dream of holding their grandchildren in their arms. For the dream of a rich full life.

I'm not saying that being infertile is the same as having cancer. It's not. But it's interesting to note that the desire and determination to create a life, can be as almost as strong and feirce as the desire and determination to actually live.

First Day Behind Us!

2008-10-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

After a total meltdown, a good cry, and flip-flopping back and forth a million times, Dave and I finally decided to go ahead and start the lupron as the doctor suggested.

We had thoughts of pulling out and stopping everything. We talked about waiting for my period and starting back at the beginning on birth control pills -- after a couple of natural cycles to be sure the cyst is gone. We rehashed the bad memories of one of our other canceled cycles, where we had a 55mm cyst that took about three months to clear. We talked and talked, like always, like any couple about to spend 30 grand on their last chance. We weighed the pros and cons. We want to start from a perfect place -- not start from a place of uncertainty and fear. We want to look back with no regrets. And this almost made us pull the plug.

But in the eleventh hour we decided to move forward.

I tried to remember that this happens to women all the time, that there is a very good chance that the lurpon along with my period will completely clear away this cyst. It could burst. It could shrink. It could just disappear. I tried to remember that we are in the best hands possible, with the best nurses and doctor who all want the same thing we do -- to get us pregnant. I tried to remember that the doctor won't proceed with the stim meds if there are any risks, that women cycle all the time with small cysts and have the exact same success rates. And that even if I have to cancel after 10 days, at least we tried.

So we held each other tight, closed our eyes, and jumped head first into our first needle and meds.

We are going to have a baby this time -- we have to believe it!

Green Light. Red Light. Yellow Light.

2008-10-16T14:43:00.001-07:00

Does the drama ever end?

I've gone from getting the green light, to getting the red light, to getting a yellow light -- all in an action packed morning. And once again, the worry begins before we're even out of the gate!

Let's start with the good news...

This morning we had our meeting with Dr. Schoolcraft, and he gave us the green light! He went over our test results and concluded that there isn't any red flags that would indicate IVF can't work for us. Here's a quick recap:

Lisa's E2 -- 48 (Good -- they like to see less than 50)
Lisa's FSH -- 6.54 (Good, they like to see less than 10)
Lisa's LH -- 4.22 (Good, they like to see less than 10)
Lisa's AMH - 3 (Good. Anything less than 1 is low reserve. Anything between 3 and 5 could indicate POCS)
Lisa's Thyroid (Synthroid pills) -- TSH 1.6, T4 1.2 (Good, like to see it below 3)
Lisa's Pap - Normal
Lisa's endometrial Biopsy to test for BETA 3 INTEGRIN -- Positive, I have the integrin that allows for implantation.
Lisa's Chromosome Karyotype -- All 24 Chromosomes Normal
Dave's Chromosome Karyotype -- All 24 Chromosomes Normal
Dave's Sperm Chromatin Structure Assay (dna frag test) - 13.7% (Excellent fertility potential <15%, Good-Fair 15-30%, Poor >30%)

Dr. Schoolcraft concluded that our official diagnosis is male infertility. Dave's sperm morphology is so low that it would likely never penetrate an egg on it's own, complicated by the fact that Lisa has antisperm antibodies that attack sperm. So together, we will never get pregnant without assistance. We basically already knew this, but it still makes me cringe for all the years we tried on our own, all the IUI's, and trying to time everything perfectly. Man, we were naive! Makes me feel like a bit of a fool thinking back to all those times when I hoisted my legs in the air and waited for those two little lines on the evil stick, month after month. But I digress, we're supposed to be talking about good news here! So let's get back on track...

Dr. Schoolcraft said that IVF with ICSI is our only hope. And he is encouraged by fact that once Dave's sperm is injected into the egg, there should be no reason that it can't make a normal embryo since the DNA analysis came back okay. Since we've failed twice before he chalks it up to immature eggs or lab conditions or just bad luck, but he did not find anything that indicates that it can't work for us. So after a little more discussion about our protocol, he gave us the green light to start our Lupron injections tonight!

Meanwhile, our drugs arrived by Fed-ex, and we had to rush to our pre-suppression ultra sound with our local clinic.

This is where the red light comes in...

We requested an ultra sound today, even though the doctor doesn't normally do an ultra sound until 10 days after suppression medications, because we are paranoid about cysts. We've had a cycle cancelled before due to a cyst and we aren't keen on starting the process and taking the injections if we already know a cyst is present. Who wants to go through 2 weeks of injections to find out, when we could find out before we even begin with a simple ultra sound? Needless to say, we wanted the ultrasound. And sure enough, our ultrasound showed a pretty big cyst! 18mm. UGH! So we came home, called one of our nurses -- who put on the brakes -- until she talked to the doctor to see what he wanted us to do.

Which brings us to the yellow light...

Our nurse finally had a chance to talk to the doctor and call us back. He wants to us proceed with our calendar and start the lurpon shots tonight. Hopefully the lupron, then my period will help to suppress and clear up the cyst before I have to start stim meds. But there are no guarantees and if it's not gone, we will either have to stay on lupron another week or so -- MORE SHOTS! -- or cancel the cycle at that time. There is unfortunately no way to tell at this point, so for now, it's proceed with caution and hope for the best.

Now we are feeling deflated before we even begin and are having memories of our cancelled cycle, which was very hard on us. We are hoping we do not have a repeat. And hoping that this cyst is not a sign of bad things to come. I suppose there is nothing to do but try to think positive and take our first shot and pills tonight.

And hope for the best.

Breakneck Speed

2008-10-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

Things are suddenly moving so fast we can barely keep up!

Our conference call with our nurse yesterday went a long way to ease our minds and answer all our questions. But just when I thought we could come up for air, we found out a few things that changed everything.

Things never stay easy for long!

Our doctor is scheduled to be in San Francisco for the 64th Annual American Society for Reproductive Medicine Conference from November 8-12, which was going to be the exact week that I was on my stimulation medication.

This obviously threw us into a panic for several reasons, but mostly, because we really feel we need our doctor (the one we are coming all this way for) to be looking our our case daily during stimulation medications, because this is the part of the protocol that can make it or break it. Not that we don't trust all the doctors at CCRM, we do. But we don't want to look back with any regrets or what ifs. We want Dr. Schoolcrafts eyes to monitor our doses based on our blood work and ultrasounds, and decide the exact day that we should trigger. Triggering too early could mean the eggs aren't mature, and triggering too late could mean they are over mature. So, based on this information -- and taking into account that we also want to get done prior to the Christmas office shut down --we needed to make some rash decisions and push our calendar up. And fast!

So here's our tentative plan:

TODAY -- I just ordered my suppression drugs for overnight shipping, to make sure they arrive by tomorrow.

TOMORROW -- Meet with Dr. Schoolcraft to discuss our results. And if everything is okay, and we are given the green light, I will start my injections that very night!

FRIDAY -- We will be faxed our updated/solid calendar and I will order the rest of my drugs ($5,000 worth) today. We will also pay for our IVF cycle (as they require the bulk of thier payment upfront) today. Another $15,000.

THE WEEKEND -- Over the weekend, we will need to book flights, research and book hotels, figure out what we are going to do with our four-legged baby, make a list of everything we will need to bring with us, and what we can buy in Denver, and basically try to get everything organized. I've already got a to-do list that is 2 pages long, and it's only 10am!

MEDICATION SCHEDULE: I will continue my suppression injections and drugs daily, until October 25th, at which point I will add my stimulation injections. I will then be monitored locally by my old clinic with blood work and ultra sounds for 5 days.

LEAVE FOR DENVER: At this point we anticipate flying To Denver on October 30th! Then we will be monitored by CCRM and have my medications checked daily by Dr. Schoolcraft, until the time he determines to trigger me.

TENTATIVE EGG RETRIEVAL: As of now, we anticipate that my egg retrieval surgury will be on November 5th.

EMBRYO TRANSFER: Our embryo transfer will be between November 8 - 10, at which point Lisa will be on bed rest for 48 hours before we can fly home.

So after our meeting with Dr. Schoolcraft tomorrow, this will all happen very fast! We're excited, scared, and overwhelmed -- with a to-do list a mile long.

Ready, set, go!

The Worrier And The Nurse

2008-10-13T23:36:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that I tend to over-react.

I'm anxious and worrisome by nature, and I like to plan things down to the last detail. When something goes wrong, I tend to freak out, panic, and catastrophize the situation. I slide into a downward spiral and feel that everything is doomed. I obsess. And then I jump into fix it mode. I make lists. I study and rework the situation until I get it under control. Until I can breath again. Until I'm able to feel like things are going to be okay.

My poor nurse.

A few things have been 'going wrong' with my upcoming cycle in my mind, which to me, spells the end of the world. Not only because I tend to over-react in any situation which isn't going according to plan, but multiply that by a thousand -- scratch that -- a million, because this 'is it' for us. This is our one and only last chance to ever have our own biological child. The stakes are higher than anything we've ever come up against. We cannot afford room for error. Perfection isn't just a compulsive desire -- it's an absolute necessity. It's the one time when perfection actually does matter. When we really can't afford to let anything slide. When we can't afford to have even the tiniest thing go wrong. We want to be able to look back with no regrets. We want to feel like we've done everything we possibly can. And we want to be able to walk away, feeling that we did everything in our power to make it work. Because, that's the only way we will ever be able to find peace -- if such a thing exists.

So that's why we have scheduled a half and hour conference call with our nurse tomorrow. We want to discuss our concerns, questions, timing, test results, and several possible scenarios. We want to be sure we aren't falling through the cracks. That our case is getting the proper attention and consideration it needs. And that we are all on the same page.

I'm hoping this call will ease my worries and help me feel completely comfortable with our plan for moving forward. Because one thing that we've learned through all of this, is to do your own research, be an advocate for your own case, ask questions whenever you don't understand something, and request lots of meetings along the way to make sure everything stays on track.

Oh yeah, and to breathe.

Still Waiting To Start Our Lives

2008-10-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

It seems we're always waiting.

That's what people with infertility do. We wait for test results, wait for our cycles to begin, and wait for the right days. We wait for our calendars, wait for our medications, wait for egg retrievals, and wait for our lab reports. We wait for our transfer date, wait for our pregnancy results, and then we wait to start all over again.

It seems we are always in limbo. Always waiting. But I think the hardest thing about waiting is that fact that it never stops. We aren't just waiting to get pregnant, we are waiting for our entire lives to begin. It's like they are on hold. Every day, every month, every year. Year after year, we find ourselves still waiting, right back in the same spot we began, a maze that leads us right back to the beginning. While others are living their lives, enjoying their days, planning for their futures, we are still waiting for ours to begin. And we know that eventually, whether we have children or not, this holding pattern must end. It's no way to live a life. Being stuck in no mans land, wandering aimlessly, not apart of the rest of the world, not apart of life. Not able to move forward without children, and not yet ready to give up. Neither fully alive, nor fully dead. This world is circular and never ending.

We are nowhere. Stuck in Infertility-Land.

Still waiting to start our lives...

The Best Husband A Girl Could Want

2008-10-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

My husband is my best friend.

He's funny, smart, and hardworking. He's kind, sensitive, and understanding. He's easy going and level headed. He balances out my highs and lows with an even steady nature. I can't count the number of times, he calms me down and helps me stay centered and positive. He's always there when I need him, helping to remind me to breathe, helping me keep a level head, reminding me how far we've come and assuring me that everything will be okay. But most of all, he's supportive. A rock, encouraging me forward with kind words and open arms to heal my wounds and he never stops beleiving in me -- believing in us. And I can't imagine going through something like this, with anyone but him. In a strange way, dealing with infertility has brought us even closer together as a couple. And I know that if we can survive this, we can survive anything.

I may not have lucked out in the baby department, but I couldn't imagine a better husband. I knew early on exactly the kind of man that I wanted to marry. And knew I would have a hard time finding someone who could live up to my own father, who is the best husband and father in the world. But as soon as I met Dave, I just knew that I wanted him to be the father of my children. He has a kind heart, and he would do anything for me and his family. He is the best husband a girl could want. And he would make the best father in the world.

I can't help but fantasize about what his son will look like. How his daughter might have the same eyes, or smile, or personality. I imagine him lifting our little girl up over his head, her squealing with delight, her calling him daddy. I imagine him throwing the ball around in the backyard with our son, teaching him to golf, rolling around on the grass with him in a playfight. I imagine the kind of father he will be, the kinds of values and life lesson he will teach them. The way our kids will look up to him and love him. The pride on his face when they take their first steps or say their first words. The lazy Sunday mornings with him making a mess in the kitchen with them. I imagine the bed time stories and seeing our daughter asleep on his chest. The day he teaches our son to drive. The day he walks his daughter down the aisle. How beautiful she will look, and the single tear he will wipe from his cheek. And years later, what he will look like holding his grandchild in his arms, the pride he will feel knowing that he is a grandpa, and being part of the amazing circle of life.

I would give anything to see him hold our baby in his arms for the first time. And I hope and pray that one day he will have the chance to be a father. Because he would be a truly great one.

I love you honey xo

IVF 101

2008-10-07T15:46:00.000-07:00

There may be many of you out there asking -- what exactly is IVF anyway? What's the big deal? How does it work?

Simply put, IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), involves collecting eggs and sperm from each partner and placing them together in a dish. Then transferring the fertilized embryo into the uterus where implantation and pregnancy will hopefully occur.

Well that's the easy answer anyway.

But for couples going through IVF, the process is anything but easy.

Let's start with the birds and the bees...

A woman is born with all the eggs she will ever produce. There are approximately half million or so eggs. The normal woman will ovulate one dominant follicle from her ovaries each month that contains a mature egg inside. This egg moves into the fallopian tube where it waits for sperm to come and fertilize it. At least, that's how it happens for the lucky ones!

The unlucky ones may decide to try fertility treatments.

Of course, you don't move straight to IVF.

First you try on your own for at least a year before a doctor would agree to help. We tried for almost two, before we realized that something was wrong and went for our first consultation.

Following that, there is usually a period of trying fertility drugs, specifically CLOMID, a drug that helps you produce usually around 3 or 4 eggs per cycle, to give the sperm more chances. But again, unfortunately, after six cycles, we realized that fertility drugs weren't doing the trick and would need to move on.

Next comes the IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). This is a process where the women will either take oral drugs, injections, or opt for a natural cycle. The man then gives his sperm sample. The sperm is washed to remove all the bad, slow, swimmers, and at the time of ovulation, is injected directly into the uterus with a thin catheter. This process essentially places the best sperm right beside the egg in the woman's body, thus greatly increasing the chances of fertilization. Most couples will try a couple cycles of IUI's before moving to IVF, and in our case, we tried TWELVE, yep, count em, TWELVE, before deciding it was time to move on.

Next comes the biggie. The mother of all fertility treatments -- IVF.

So how does it work you may be wondering?

Well, here's the basic rundown:

PART ONE: Preparation and Testing
This is the stage we are in now, and thankfully, coming to the end of! This is where the couple will interview their first, second, or third RE, depending on where they are in the process. We, unfortunately, have failed 2 IVF cycles already, so our process was interviewing the best doctors and clinics and researching the very best options left available to us. This is the stage where if you are in your first cycle or your third cycle, you will have tests done to eliminate and help shed light on your situation. The couple will also start to prepare their bodies by eating the right foods, taking the right vitamins, cutting out alcohol, caffeine, hot tubs, and generally doing everything they can to help prepare thier bodies.

PART TWO: Planning and Preparing the Calendar
Next the doctor will go over the IVF process with you, you will be counseled on genetic issues, speak to financial counselors, therapists, and ultimately discuss your individualized protocol with your doctor. You will get your IVF calendar from your nurse, attend injection training courses, order and receive your huge box of drugs and needles, and start on the birth control pill if necessary.

PART THREE: Ovarian Suppression
Usually the doctor will want you to go on the birth control pill for about a month to quiet the ovaries and begin to suppress your reproductive system. The pill can also help regulate your cycle and allow somewhat flexibility and more control over your calendar. Now comes the part that I hate! The Dreaded Injections. The doctor will usually put you on a drug called Lupron, which is an injection twice daily. The reason for lupron is to supress your ovaries, turn off your system, prevent cysts, and to make sure you do not ovulate. You will usually take these injections, ideally, for anywhere from 7 - 14 days before you start your stimulation medication. So that usually works out to somewhere around 20 injections.

PART FOUR: Ovarian Stimulation
Now comes the point in the cycle where you need to start making eggs -- and not just one egg, but lots of them! So at this point in the process, you will get your period, the doctor will check your ovaries with an ultrasound, and a few days later, you will begin your stimulation injections. But just so you don't have too much fun, they want you to continue to take the lupron as well, to keep you from ovulating. The stimulation drugs are also an injection which you take for anywhere from 8-14 days, and there is usually not just one, but a combination of drugs -- so you will probably be taking 2 separate injections of stimulation drugs every day. So between the stimulation drugs and the lurpon, this could require around 40 more injections, in addition to the 20 you've already got under your belt. But, needles aside, this stimulation period is the most important of the whole cycle. This is where you make it or break it.

You may be wondering why you need to make so many eggs -- doesn't it just take one? Well yes, but it would be very inefficient to only have one egg available to fertilize when you are spending this much money and putting your body through so much. And many eggs do not make it, are poor quality, or will not result in a normal embryo. Therefore, the female is given very high amounts of drugs to try to stimulate many as many follicles(eggs) as they can -- usually anywhere from 10 - 20 eggs as the optimal number.

But once again, it can never be that easy, and this stimulation part of the program is a tricky line to walk. Too many eggs, and the female may hyperstimulate, which creates other problems and oftentimes leads to less healthy eggs, a cancelled cycle, or hospitalization. But too few eggs, and the chances are lower that fertilization and pregnancy will occur.

During this process the doctor will monitor you every couple of days with a blood test and a vaginal ultrasound to check your hormone levels and count and measure the number of follicles so that he can determine the most optimal time to retrieve the eggs. And once they determine you are ready. They will give you a shot of HCG, a hormone that will allow you to ovulate, and they will schedule your egg retrieval for 36 hours after you take your final (and might I add BIG!) injection.

PART FIVE: Egg Retrieval
Next comes the egg retrieval surgury, which thankfully you are completely asleep for. The eggs are retrieved from the woman's body, while at the same time, the man gives him sperm sample into a plastic cup (yes, I know, he's got a very tough job doesn't he?) After the surgury they give you pain medication and send you home -- but no rest for the wary -- you must start on new drugs that very night! But more on that in a minute, for now, the hard part is done, so take a breath.

PART SIX: Fertilization
Now for the nail biting results. How many eggs did they get? Did they all fertilize? Will they all grow? This is where the magic happens -- in the lab. The sperm is collected, washed and placed together with the egg to fertilize in a dish. Or in our case, and many other cases out there, we opt for a procedure called ICSI, where a single sperm is chosen and injected directly into the egg, allowing for even better results, especially in the case of poor sperm.

Then, once fertilization occurs the embryos begin to grow and divide. Your babies are now growing in a dish! They are watched in the lab for a period of 3-5 days where they are then ready to be placed back inside the uterus.

PART SEVEN: Embryo Transfer
The best embryos (usually 1-3 depending on their quality and the age of the woman) are chosen to be placed back in the uterus. The embryos (or Embabies as I like to call them) are then transferred by your doctor using a catheter and ultrasound guidance -- as they are gently put back inside their mother, where they belong.

The whole process can be seen on a big screen and is an amazing moment. Your embryos are now home! And now it is up to God.

The left over embryos, if there are any, are frozen, and can be stored and used for later cycles making the process less expensive and invasive for the couple the next time around.

PART EIGHT: The Two Week Wait
And just when you think you are done, you have a whole other set of medications to take. Daily intramuscular progesterone shots are given to the woman to increase the chances of implantation. Thankfully, I have always been given the option of using suppositories, but many women are not, and these shots in the lower hip, HURT! The woman will have to take these daily shot for anywhere from 2 -10 weeks, depending on the outcome. Tell me about it -- the fun just never stops!

During this 2 week wait, you also take antibiotics and estrogen patches and other various drugs. But the worst part about this part of the process is the waiting. The two week wait is complete torture as you analyze every twinge, every symptom, and every possible sensation -- as you ask yourself the ultimate question: Did it work? Am I pregnant? Will I finally be a mom? Will I finally be a dad? And you question everything and start to worry about what will happen if it doesn't work? All that time and money and pain down the drain, only to have to start all over again or give up. The rollercoaster of emotions and fears take over, as you wait for two weeks to find out whether or not pregnancy has been achieved. Then, finally, you go for your scheduled blood test, to get the much anticipated results. And you wait for your doctor to call you with the news.

Whew! I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

So now you have an idea of how the whole process works, and you can see, that it's not quite as simple as 'putting an egg and a sperm together in a dish'. If only it were!

Those birds and bees sure do have it easy, don't they?

Day 3 Labs -- All The Testing is Done!

2008-10-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

To say that I am not a fan of blood would be the understatement of the year!

The truth is I have always fainted at the sight of it. It has been a phobia for my entire life. One that, up until last year, kept me from even stepping foot into a hospital or getting the medical help I needed. And even now, every blood test is a big production. But after all the blood tests and needles I have had over the past year, I'm finally starting to realize that I am stronger than I ever knew, and I can beat any fear that comes my way. Which regardless of how this turns out, is something that will stay with me forever.

But still. I cannot believe I just shipped a vial of my own blood from my own freezer! And, I'm quite sure, my parents will fall off their chair when they see these pictures. I've come a long way, huh dad?

For those who are curious to see me play chemist, here's low down:

First, CCRM sent me a kit containing tubes for the blood draw, freezer packs, and transfer tubes.

On day 3 of my new cycle, I took the kit and instructions to my local lab, where they drew 2 big vials of blood in the 2 red tubes, which will eventually be tested for FSH, LH, and E2 at CCRM.

We allowed for the sample to completely clot. And then had to 2 vials of blood centrifuged, and had the serum separated. The serum (which is now yellow) was placed into one of the transfer tubes labeled properly with my full name, date of birth, and date of collection.

Next I took the serum home and froze it in our freezer over the weekend because the lab must receive it on a weekday. First thing Monday morning, I called Fed-ex and arranged to have it picked up. And I got to work packing it up! I placed the frozen transfer tube into the frozen transport container, and placed the container in the styrofoam case.

I placed this in the biohazard bag. And packed the case along with frozen cold packs into the larger styrofoam box and put in the cardboard box for shipping.

And off it goes on it's ride with Fed-ex -- Denver bound!

It's still hard to believe that all the testing is finally behind me. I have been to Denver, completed the at home portion of the testing, and just packed up my Day 3 blood work, and sent it off to CCRM!

I'm done!

Oh, and about the BCP, I spoke to my nurse Jill (who I just love!) and she has called in a new prescription for a progesterone only birth control pill. I will take 2 tonight, to catch up, and (cross fingers) be back on track!

It's a good day all around.

Off To A Rocky Start

2008-10-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why things can't ever be easy?

Yesterday the nurse told me I could start the Birth Control Pill (BCP), which, for those of you wondering, is the first step in the IVF process. They usually want you on the BCP (as counterproductive as that may seem!) for a month before you start drugs, to help suppress your ovaries.

So we should be jumping up and down that we got the green light, right? Well... Things are never quite so simple when it comes to us.

I have never tolerated the birth control well. I have tried many different kinds over my lifetime, and all of them have me in the same place -- green and hanging over the toilet. So I have just never been a birth control kind of girl. Until it was time to do IVF that is...

For my first 2 IVF's, my RE had me on a progesterone only BCP -- that I actually managed to tolerate (they say the estrogen causes some people to get sick.) But for my 3rd try, I didn't use BCP at all and opted for a natural start, which worked just as well.

So once we were given the green light to start the BCP yesterday, we requested a progesterone only pack from our new nurse. Unfortunately, they are only allowed to use certain types, so I ended up being a progesterone/estrogen mix. I popped it anyway, hoping for the best, but by 2am I was hanging over the side of the toilet, and my stomach has ballooned up to the size of a watermelon!

Of course it did!

And since we can't get a hold of my nurse today (it being Sunday) we will have to make our own decision, which unfortunately could risk the start date of my cycle and push everything back a month if I make the wrong one.

The way we see it, we have 2 options:

1. Go off the pill (don't take it tonight) and call the nurse Monday and let her know I can't take it. This would mean pushing for a natural start, which hopefully they would agree with but they might not.

2. Take it tonight and then call the nurse on Monday and tell her I have to switch pills to a progesterone only pack. But this means taking it one more night which I really don't want to do, and I don't even know if it's possible to switch pill types mid-cycle.

And once again, it seems the fun never stops! Now excuse me while I go find a toilet.

And a New Cycle Begins!

2008-10-03T11:58:00.000-07:00

AF reared her ugly head yesterday -- one of the very few times I am actually happy to see her! This means that my new cycle has begun and I am that much closer to getting this show on the road.

I'm usually like clockwork. 28 days on the nose. But this time she has thrown me into a tailspin arriving 4 days early -- and making tomorrow the day for my day 3 bloodwork. It had to be Saturday of all days! What else would I expect? But thankfully my local clinic can squeeze us in for a weekend appointment, so we're all set! Except for the fact that we can't ship my blood over the weekend (yes, that's right, we will have to take and ship my blood directly to the CCRM lab), so that will have to wait until Monday. But that is another story!

In the mean time, we've sent a laundry list of questions to CCRM (our poor nurse will want to kill herself when she gets it) asking about what this means for potential start dates, and whether I should begin birth control pills on day five or if we are going to have to wait until the next cycle. I won't bore you with the details, but the long and short of it is we are trying to get our IVF cycle done prior to Christmas, which puts us on a very tight deadline.

So our weekend is lining up to be quite a treat. It gets kicked off with bloodwork on Saturday, followed by all kinds of fun fertility related events including grocery shopping for all the right foods, and is topped off with a night of financial planning and budgeting.

Stay tuned...

Coming up next: Day 3 Bloodwork -- Playing Chemist!

Mayan Abdominal Massage

2008-10-02T13:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I started up my body work again, and I have to say, I'm glad that I did! I always feel so much better afterwards.

For those of you who have never heard of a Mayan Abdominal Massage, let me explain:

It's based on ancient Mayan technique of manipulation that repositions internal organs that have shifted, thereby restricting the flow of blood, lymph, nerve and chi. Normally the uterus leans slightly over the bladder in the center of the pelvis, about one and a half inches above the pubic bone. But the ligaments and muscles can weaken and loosen, causing the uterus to fall downward, forward, backward or to either side.

The first time I was on the table, my massage therapist told me my uterus was displaced -- shifted down and to the left. I was skeptical. Why had I never been told this before? But recently I was given an image of my uterus that proved it was indeed true. The x-ray below is called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) and can be quite painful. They inject dye into the uterine cavity through the cervix and watch to see if the dye spills into the tubes and ovaries. This is done to determine whether the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. Mine were open, so that was not the problem, but the xray also showed the position of my uterus. Which low and behold was shifted to the left!

A shifted uterus has nothing to do with whether or not I can get pregnant. But. When the reproductive organs shift, they can constrict normal flow of blood and lymph, and disrupt nerve connections, which could ultimately have an impact. So by shifting the uterus back into place, the natural balance of the body, is restored.
I must admit, the first time I had this massage done I was a little freaked out. My therapist, Megan, (who is great by the way! www.infusionmassage.com & http://www.wholefoodstherapy.com/blog/) works on my lower back, hips, sacrum, tailbone and abdomen. I was professionally draped at all times, but it's still a little odd. It's strange having someone massage your organs. And can be somewhat painful too! But after a while, I am getting used to it. And already I've noticed a big difference. Not only is it helping to shift my uterus, but it has also helped remind me that I must take time to heal not only my body, but my soul.

Once again I am reminded that we must do things to help ourselves stay centered, calm, and positive. Which is exactly what I needed!

Infertility: The Most Selfish of all Disorders

2008-10-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm going to tell you a dirty little secret. One that we infertiles normally keep to ourselves. Because it's not nice, it's not pretty, and it's not even something that we like to admit to ourselves.

Being infertile in a fertile world changes a person.

It makes us selfish, and bitter, and jealous, and worst of all, it chips away at our soul. It is a cancer, that doesn’t eat away at the body, but worse, eats away at our hearts. Eats away at the very core of who we are as people. It takes away all that is good. It steals our innocence. Our ability to imagine and dream and believe. It gobbles up the good before we can stop it and leaves us shells of who we once were.

I used to be idealistic. Dreams could always come true. Bad things wouldn't happen to good people. I used to believe in fairytales and happy endings. I used to see the best in people. I used to be happy for other people's successes and happiness and blessings. I used to want the best for everyone.

But the truth is, I don't anymore. And this is a shameful secret that eats away at me.

I find myself crying when somebody announces they are pregnant. I find myself cringing when I see a father and son playing catch. I find myself unable to genuinely be happy for other people. It feels like daggers to my heart. Like every piece of their happiness, somehow takes away from the possibility of me ever getting mine. I find myself thinking that there isn't enough to go around. That if they are on the winning end, I am on the losing end. I find myself thinking that every happy family I see, is somehow I reminder of what I might never have. And the thought that I might never have it, is too much for me to bear. There is nobody to lash out at. There is nobody to direct my anger towards. So I direct it at the world. At everybody who I wish I could be. At every family who I envy so deeply. And instead of being happy for their joy, I find myself feeling sorry for myself. And I don't like it.

Infertility is the most selfish disease there is. It's easy to sink into a hole of our own self-pity. It's easy to feel like victims. It's easy to become jaded, cynical and guarded. It makes us prickly, oversensitive, emotional, sad, angry, exhausted, mean-spirited, hopeless, and depressed. Who would want to be friends with a person like that? I know I sure wouldn't. I can't even stand to be around myself at times. Infertility changes us into people we don't recognize, people we don't like, and worse -- people we completely and utterly despise.

But one day soon, I plan to beat this ugly beast. I plan to go as many rounds as it takes. And I hope to god I win. Because I want myself back. I want back the wide-eyed hopeful little girl who believes in fairlytales and happy endings. I want back the woman who is a good friend, a kind person, and most of all -- has a big open loving heart.

And the Testing Continues...

2008-09-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

Oh the joys of stirrups, speculums, ultrasound wands, and catheters. Sometimes I wonder if I should be charging admission!

But after a morning of more testing, I'm just happy to have it behind me. Another check mark on my calendar that puts me closer to the end of the testing portion of the program.

First I had my complete physical and pap, which wasn't so bad. Next I had the dreaded endometrial biopsy -- OUCH! But, thankfully it didn't last too long and I managed to survive -- even though she had to do it twice!

For those of your curious about the nitty gritty fertility stuff...
The endometrial biopsy (e-tegirty test) is done to check the receptivity of the uterus for embryo implantation. It's an immunohistochemistry test to determine if the beta-3 integrin protein is present or absent in the uterine tissue. Studies have shown that women lacking the beta--3 integrin protein have lower pregnancy rates than women who have the beta-3 integrin. Most doctors don't do this test, but it can be useful in cases of patients with prior failed If's. So if I'm found to lack it, then there is a treatment that the doctor can use to help restore it prior to the IVF cycle, consisting of special monthly lupron injections.

Other than that, I have one more test left to do (next week) before all my preliminary testing will be considered complete. It's a panel of day 3 bloodwork to test FSH, LH and E2. And then I'm done with the testing -- thank the good Lord above!

But for now it's more nail-biting as the results slowly roll in...

Will we or won't we be able to try again?

Club Motherhood

2008-09-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

I used to think I'd have my two kids, my big house, and my high-paying career by the time I was 30. But at 33, I'm 0 for 3.

Okay, it's not that bad. I'm married to a wonderful amazing thoughtful guy, I've travelled and seen some amazing sites, I've moved around and lived in some beautiful cities, I've quit my job to write a novel, I've followed my dream of becoming a screenwriter, and I've been to Hollywood and had meetings with well known producers and directors.

In some ways, it's better than the life I once imagined. But still, when I look around at all the happy moms browsing baby stores with their high tech strollers and matching designer diaper bags -- I long to be one of them. I long to join the conversation, tag along on play dates, and be part of the exclusive club called motherhood.

Instead, I sit alone at my table, sipping a Starbucks latte, typing on a laptop, and longingly looking over at the women bonding over their shared experiences. An outsider eavesdropping in on a club she doesn't have the secret handshake to. An awkward teenager forced to eat lunch by themselves while all the cool kids crowd around the fun table. Up until now, I've been the cool kid. I've been the one at the table with everyone else. I've never known what it's like to feel left out -- until now. I used to imagine what it would be like when I was a mom. All the other moms and I would hang out together. We'd let our kids play together. We'd drink coffee and wine and brag and complain and gossip and solve all the worlds problems. We'd take our kids to the beach. We'd organize spa days and girls nights out and we'd bond over our similar lives of juggling work and kids and love. We'd have couple's nights and outdoor barbeques. We'd organize carpools. We'd watch our kids soccer games together and cheer and bring snacks for the whole gang. We'd rent cottages, and organize camping trips. We'd roast marshmellows over a fire-pit. We'd laugh, and cry, and lean on each other through all life's up and down's as our children grow up. We'd be the best of friends....

And then, I snap back to reality. I take a sip of my lukewarm latte, and I wonder if that will ever be me? I wonder if one day I'll be awarded the secret handshake and be invited to sit at the fun table?
I wonder if I'll ever be part of the exclusive club called motherhood?

I sure hope so.

I'm Attacking My Husbands Sperm!

2008-09-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

I became more and more upset about this news as the night went on. In fact, I had nightmares about it!

Apparently it is fairly rare. Only 5% of infertile women have these antisperm antibodies (ASAB). It's basically an immune issue where I am allergic to my own husbands sperm! If that's not a cruel joke of nature, I don't know what is!

Of course I searched the internet all night. Obsessively.

Steven Witkin, Ph.D., a professor in the department of obstetrics and gynecology at Weill Medical College of Cornell University, says: "The immune system of some women see sperm as a foreign invader, like a germ, and their bodies make antibodies to attack the sperm."

Well that's just great!

And what kind of woman does this make me? It feels like just another slap to the face of how my body is failing me and how inadequate I am as a woman.

And the worse part is that there doesn't seem to be much they can do about it, except IVF, which of course, I've already done twice and failed. I've also read the use of a steroid can help when jumpstarting fertility treatments, so I must remember to ask my RE about his.

To be fair, I did read that this problem should not affect IVF in any way, but I can't help but wonder if this immune issue is somehow a contributing factor affecting implantation of the embryo? Nothing I read indicated this, but if I have one immune disease (actually 2 if you count hypothyroidism) then am I more susceptible to others?

And once again, the worry never stops when it comes to infertility. And the question still remains...

Why can't I have a baby?