Reproductively Challenged

I hate failing.

But more than that, I hate being told I can't have something that I want. I've never been very good at that. If I wanted something, I've always found a way to get it. I just worked harder. And I've always believed the old saying, if at first you don't succeed, try try again. But suddenly, slowly, the thing I've just taken for granted my whole life has been taken away from me. And I've gone from sad, to mad, to angry, to desperate, and the very depths of despair. Are you kidding me? EVERYONE can have a baby! Look around! Happy couples, not-so-happy couples, teenagers, single mothers, poor people, rich people, crazy people, homeless people, sick people, bad people, drug addicts, murderers, mothers who leave their children in dumpsters! There are millions of abortions and unwanted children every single day. And here I am. Unable, to have the one thing that I so desperately want. It doesn't seem fair. Yet, here I am. This is my reality. It's as if God handed out baby tickets to everyone but me. I'm healthy, I love my husband, we’re good people, come from great families, take care of ourselves, exercise, eat healthy -- the list goes on. Why are we being denied? It's that question that drives me to keep going. Surely, I'm just not trying hard enough. Surely, god isn't denying us on purpose. He's trying to teach us a lesson. The lesson of perseverance. That age old lesson that if you want something badly enough, it can be yours, if only you dedicate yourself to achieving it. You push through the tough times, you keep on trying, you never ever give up. Then, and only then, will you succeed. I've hung onto this philosophy for most of my life. In everything I do. I believed that I could achieve anything if I only put my mind to it and stuck with it. Isn't that what we are always taught? But I've been at this 3 years, over a thousand days. I've plotted, I've charted, I've eaten all the right foods, used all the tricks in the books, I've assembled my team. Doctors, nurses, acupuncturists, massage therapists, nutritionists. I've dedicated my all of my time, energy and money to the cause. I've failed over 40 times. I have wasted tens of thousand dollars. I have cried tens of thousand tears. I have picked myself off the ground, every single month, wiped off my bruises and ploughed ahead with a better more hopeful plan for next month. I have prayed to a God that has abandoned me, held onto hope when there was none left, and kept going when I had no strength left. I have put up the good fight and lost. So now what? Is it over? Have I lost? Or is God testing me, trying to see how much I can take? Holding the baby I want so desperately, just around the next milestone, if I'll only take the chance and go one more round further? Is this the point in the Hollywood movie, where most give up... but not our hero. No, she picks herself up and gives it one last try. And is rewarded with everything she wants by doing so. I've been here before. Tried to convince myself, that this is that time. Only to end up right back in the same spot, questioning the exact same thing.

Do I give up? Or try it one last time?