The Art of Surrendering

I admit it.

I'm not good at letting go of control. But after a morning of new worries, and trying yet again to maintain a certain amount of control of this crazy process, I realize that what I really need to do, is let go.

My nurse will be happy to hear me say that. After three calls to discuss my day four monitoring, I'm finally on board. But it wasn't easy getting there. Dr. Schoolcraft is starting me off on whopper doses of stims tonight, double the amount I've ever taken. This is a good thing because hopefully my follicles will take off with a bang. But the downside is that my E2, which has a tendency to climb too high, too fast, could sky rocket. This of course, makes me very nervous. I don't want to be fighting an uphill battle with out of control E2, and have to cut all doses and trigger too early. I want to give the eggs lots of time to grow and mature. So I asked if I could be monitored on day three and day five, instead of just day four. My nurse understood my concerns, brought them to Dr. Schoolcraft's attention, and came back with the answer that day four is fine for my first check.

Finally, after hearing it for the third time, I realize that I need to let go, trust my doctors, and surrender to the process.

And that means changing my whole attitude.

All those platitudes about relaxing that usually drive me crazy, are exactly what I need to be focusing on right now. It's time to think positive. It's the time to throw away all those negative voices that whisper the nagging truth in my ear. That this is a long shot. That it doesn't happen for everyone. That sometimes things just don't work out. But today I must silence those horrible little voices. I must not let them filter in. I must stomp them out.

I need to stay relaxed, positive, and hopeful. I need to visualize this working. I need to breathe deeply and be good to myself. For the next three weeks I need to build up my hope and believe that everything is going to work out. It's hard, this rollercoaster ride. This back and forth between hope and fear. These highs and lows that never end. But this is what we must do. It's time to build up all the hope I can muster, and really truly let myself believe in miracles.

Deep down, I really am an idealist. Deep down, I've always believed in the happy ending, that dreams really can come true, and that anything is possible if you just believe. And no matter how much this never-ending cycle of grief has beat me down and tried to rob me of the best parts of myself -- I still want to believe in happy endings. That's why we're here, back again, to give it one last try. We are down, but we are not out. And it's time to allow myself to believe. Sometimes we need to let ourselves dream. We need to let ourselves hope. We need to believe that even though reality has shown us getting our hopes up only blows up in our face, that sometimes, just sometimes, miracles really do happen.

So today I will surrender. I will believe. And I will dream.

And I will say a prayer my grandparents always reminded me of.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.