Monday, September 26, 2011

And so it Begins...

This time around is so different.

AF has come and gone, and our cycle has begun.

I’ve barely even had time to look at our calendar, let alone pour over every detail as I always have in the past. I don’t even know when I start my needles. All I know is that we’ve started talking the oral drugs and we still have to order the bulk of our medications and get them shipped this week. Next week, I will start testing for my LH surge and then the injections will begin.

It’s all going all break-neck speed. Yet I don’t really even seem to have noticed yet.

All I keep thinking about is fall. How the leaves are starting to fall off the trees. How the pumpkins have emerged. The scarecrows and corn hulks are up. Everything looks and feels like my favorite time of year. With one exception, this is the first fall I have ever spent without my mom. Fall is such a reflective season for me anyway, but even more so this year. As I approach the one year anniversary of my mothers death, all I can think about it that I would do anything to have her back, to sip hot coffee and bailey’s with her on a crisp fall day, to go shopping and out to lunch, and put up all our fall decorations together. Cooper is growing and changing so much and I desperately wish my mom was here to see him. I wish I could change fate, reverse the clock, bring her back. I miss my best friend so much. Especially now, as I begin my new IVF cycle. I wonder if I can do this without the support and help of my mother. I wonder if I’m strong enough. Brave enough. Have enough faith.

I reflect, as I move forward. The past, present, and future collide in my mind and heart.

Whatever will be, will be. I understand this now.

I cannot change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails...