Thursday, July 23, 2009

Update: The Final 2ww

Yes, it's been a long time.

But today, I thought it was time for an update. It goes out to the few straggling readers who may happen to stumble upon this, but mostly, it goes out to my husband... and to myself.

I'm 38 Weeks today - which means I have 2 more weeks to go. When I realized this, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of quiet retrospect for everything we've gone through. I feel the need to pause. To remember. To have a moment of silence.

The Two Week Wait.

It is the one sentence that can still strike fear into my heart. That brings up feelings of isolation and resentment and pain beyond belief. Who would have thought that it could actually mean this? Who would have thought that I could ever have made it this far? That I am two weeks away from holding my baby in my arms, from realizing all our hopes and dreams. To me, it's one of those days, where I feel more blessed than I ever could have thought possible. I feel grateful. I feel relief. I feel excited. But mostly, I feel, the need to say goodbye. This will be my last 2 week wait... ever. It's like saying goodbye to an old familiar friend. An enemy that constantly ruled my life. An addiction I could not break away from. A way of life that kept me stuck, that held me down, that sapped the life from my body until it was only a shell of what it once was.

But no more. Today I am taking my life back. Today, a new day has begun. Today, I let go of the old, the pain, the hurt, and say hello to my future, the wide open amazing road that lies ahead.

And I am grateful.

I am about to become a mother.

We are about to become a family.

It's all really about to happen.

My pregnancy has not been without it's problems. We started out with twins, and lost one of our babies along the way. I was sick 8 times a day for the first 22 weeks of my pregnancy. I tested positive for gestational diabetes. We were in and out of clinics. We worried. We wondered if we would make it. But we enjoyed it. We bought little bity baby outfits, we decorated the nursery, we had maternity photos taken, we took classes, we made our birth plan, we took little vacations away together. We wanted to freeze this moment in time, to never forget it. To savor it like a glass of expensive red wine -- one that you know you will never have again. We wanted to make the most of our one and only pregnancy -- to talk to and love our little boy each and every day. To let him know how wanted he is. How much we love him. And how he saved our lives.

I've been thinking about it. About the long journey it took for us to get here. About infertility and the heartache of it all. And I think I can say, with absolute certainty, that finally becoming pregnant, that finally getting a chance to hold our baby in our arms, isn't even the best part about this whole thing. It's getting our life back. It's finally not feeling like our life is on hold. The ability of being able to move forward, and not being stuck on a constant merry go round that you can never get off of. It's being happy again. Being able to find the beauty in life. Being happy for others. Reconnecting with friends. Opening our hearts up once again. Becoming part of the world. Of life. Being able to breathe. Being able to smile and laugh. Being able to love. But mostly, it's being able to once again, hope and dream.

I know there are many of you out there who are still fighting this awful battle. And I hope that you will be able to hope and dream again one day too.

And to my husband...

I love you more than anything in the world. You are my best friend. And I can't wait to see you holding our son in your arms.