Thursday, July 23, 2009

Update: The Final 2ww


Yes, it's been a long time.

But today, I thought it was time for an update. It goes out to the few straggling readers who may happen to stumble upon this, but mostly, it goes out to my husband... and to myself.

I'm 38 Weeks today - which means I have 2 more weeks to go. When I realized this, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of quiet retrospect for everything we've gone through. I feel the need to pause. To remember. To have a moment of silence.

The Two Week Wait.

It is the one sentence that can still strike fear into my heart. That brings up feelings of isolation and resentment and pain beyond belief. Who would have thought that it could actually mean this? Who would have thought that I could ever have made it this far? That I am two weeks away from holding my baby in my arms, from realizing all our hopes and dreams. To me, it's one of those days, where I feel more blessed than I ever could have thought possible. I feel grateful. I feel relief. I feel excited. But mostly, I feel, the need to say goodbye. This will be my last 2 week wait... ever. It's like saying goodbye to an old familiar friend. An enemy that constantly ruled my life. An addiction I could not break away from. A way of life that kept me stuck, that held me down, that sapped the life from my body until it was only a shell of what it once was.

But no more. Today I am taking my life back. Today, a new day has begun. Today, I let go of the old, the pain, the hurt, and say hello to my future, the wide open amazing road that lies ahead.

And I am grateful.

I am about to become a mother.

We are about to become a family.

It's all really about to happen.

My pregnancy has not been without it's problems. We started out with twins, and lost one of our babies along the way. I was sick 8 times a day for the first 22 weeks of my pregnancy. I tested positive for gestational diabetes. We were in and out of clinics. We worried. We wondered if we would make it. But we enjoyed it. We bought little bity baby outfits, we decorated the nursery, we had maternity photos taken, we took classes, we made our birth plan, we took little vacations away together. We wanted to freeze this moment in time, to never forget it. To savor it like a glass of expensive red wine -- one that you know you will never have again. We wanted to make the most of our one and only pregnancy -- to talk to and love our little boy each and every day. To let him know how wanted he is. How much we love him. And how he saved our lives.

I've been thinking about it. About the long journey it took for us to get here. About infertility and the heartache of it all. And I think I can say, with absolute certainty, that finally becoming pregnant, that finally getting a chance to hold our baby in our arms, isn't even the best part about this whole thing. It's getting our life back. It's finally not feeling like our life is on hold. The ability of being able to move forward, and not being stuck on a constant merry go round that you can never get off of. It's being happy again. Being able to find the beauty in life. Being happy for others. Reconnecting with friends. Opening our hearts up once again. Becoming part of the world. Of life. Being able to breathe. Being able to smile and laugh. Being able to love. But mostly, it's being able to once again, hope and dream.

I know there are many of you out there who are still fighting this awful battle. And I hope that you will be able to hope and dream again one day too.

And to my husband...

I love you more than anything in the world. You are my best friend. And I can't wait to see you holding our son in your arms.

xo



15 comments:

Darya said...

I came to your blog to reread some of your posts about CCRM as I am here now and having retrieval tomorrow and I am so so happy to see your update!!

You look beautiful and congratulations. I wish you the best.

Just Another Infertile said...

Hi Lisa,

I'm so happy for you and your husband and so glad you decided to update. I started crying as I read your post (probably all the damn pregnancy hormones). I am in the 6ww and it is so close I can almost taste it, but I still get scared and it all seems so far away.

It was good to hear from you and I hope you let us know when your wonderful little boy arrives!

Congratulations!

Polly Gamwich said...

Oh Lisa, Congratulations! Thanks so much for coming back to give us an update. I pray you and your little boy will have an uneventful and safe delivery. And enjoy your last 2WW.

Hugs,
Polly

Melissa said...

You may not have to wait 2 weeks!! I too did IVF and now have a 9 month old daughter, I went into labor at 38 weeks (as did 2 of my friends) Enjoy your labor-the whole experience is so amazing (painful - yet amazing:o))
Let me just say Epidural - aswome

And once you hold that sweet crying baby....priceless....words can't describe Congrats!!

Nikki said...

Lisa - I am so glad to hear something from you! I've come and visited your blog several times, hoping for SOMETHING!!!

You are looking beautiful!!

Congratulations on making it to 38 weeks, and all the very best for your last 2 week wait!

Please put up some pictures when the baby is here!!

(PS: I'm not updating this part on my blog, but I have been prepping for FET, and am going to CCRM on Sunday. My transfer is on Monday, and I'm going to be on a 2ww too!! :-) My lining has FINALLY reached a 7 mm, and we're going ahead!)

mom said...

My wonderful pregnant daughter
I don't know what made me look at your blog today because I know you were finished but something told me to look . We are all so happy for you and Dave. You are brave and strong. --everything will be great and I am so glad that you have invited us to join you and Dave for the birth of your little boy -our new grandson. See you Wed. Love always mom and dad

Heidi said...

Lisa I am so excited you posted an update! I am 38 weeks today as well and loved your blog as i went thru the struggles trying to get pregnant. I wish you all the love and luck with your new lil one - have soooo much fun!

Anna said...

... decided to check in here today. So glad I did.
I'm so happy for you and your DH. You've come a long way. I pray that you have a very non-eventful delivery and that all goes smoothly.

Many prayers and blessings in bringing home your little boy.
God Bless & Congratulations on 38 weeks and counting,
Anna

Anonymous said...

I came back to check on you in the case that there would be an update and to my suprise, there was! I am so excited for you! I hope you continue to post so we can see your little one!
LGB

Anonymous said...

It's so nice to hear that one can get through the pain of infertility and trying, trying, trying! Well done, you are blessed.x

Anonymous said...

Lisa,

I'm so glad to hear an update from you! I've often wondered what ever happened to you. I'm so relieved to hear that you and your little one have made it to 38 weeks. What a huge accomplishment!

I had my clinic use PICSI dishes for my last two cycles because of you. Both have ended in ecotpics, but the embryos looked so much better. Thank you for the info!

Good luck in the coming weeks. You are going to be such a great Mom.

Cam

Anonymous said...

I also came back to your blog to see your CCRM info and to post a link on the IVFC boards for someone who is having a hard time convincing her DH to go to CCRM. It was your blog that first convinced me to try CCRM. I just had my retrieval on Saturday and am so happy with the care I received at CCRM, which is in great part due to discovering your blog, so thank you!
I have never written before but have thought about you often and am so glad to see your latest update. Enjoy every moment!

Anonymous said...

I just peeked at your blog today on a whim--just in case maybe there was an update. And, wow, what a beautiful, moving, eloquent update. You put tears in my eyes. I am elated for you and your husband and your family!

I love your reflections on how you savored your pregnancy AND on how you are free to dream and move forward.

I am an IVF mom as well and I think you articulated so beautifully the special attending joy that comes with a long awaited pregnancy. There is profound joy and love for the baby and there is a lightness and gratitude as one gets off a very tough roller coaster.

You are a beautiful writer and a gorgeous pregnant woman.

Thank you for all you have shared!

Thank you for letting us share in this glowing update.

~Courtney

Shelby said...

Lisa,
I found your site through Nikki's and I must say, this post brought tears to my eyes as it was like reading something I will hopefully write in about 12 weeks time, especially about reclaiming our lives. After 5 years, we are almost 26 weeks along with our first and most likely only little boy. You forget how much IF hijacks your life until you are at a point where you are no longer focusing on it directly and the feeling is amazing, something I never thought I would experience and something I wish for all of us. Best of luck to you, your DH and new addition. Beautiful picture. :)

mummydr said...

I've just stumbled on your update. Thank you for the update. You look beautiful. I followed your blog for a long time. I'm sorry you've had such a rough pregnancy and so sorry to hear of your loss along the way. By now you must have your little man. I hope all continues well.