Thursday, July 11, 2013

And so, here we are... We've finally come Full Circle.

Life is strange.   And wonderful.  And tragic.  And scary.  And amazing.

Nobody know what life has in store for them, really.   We all hope for the best.   And sometimes we get it.  Sometimes we get even more than our wildest dreams.   We brace for the worst, and sometimes it never comes.   And sometimes it comes when we least expect it.  And it is more painful than we ever thought it could be.  

But the one thing about life that's for sure, is that it keeps moving.  No matter what happens, life goes on.   And that's one of the most simple facts that we, as the human race, can count on.   Nothing lasts forever.   Life is constantly changing.  And so are we.

We started our journey to have children in 2005, and today, eight years later, Dave got a vasectomy.

As I take a deep breath, and a long sip of my tea, it's hard to get the exact words out.  It's one of those full circle moments.   A long difficult, heartbreaking, amazing, chapter of our life is now behind us.    At least the part where we will no longer be able to have children.

I NEVER in my wildest dreams thought it would come to this.   I never saw this one coming.    I mean, we are INFERTILE.    It took us years to have kids, and even then, after so many treatments, only two embryo's survived and grew.   After hundreds of embryo's were made and given life.    We were given such low chances to even get children with IVF with all the trimmings, so how could we EVER get pregnant on our own.  And why on earth would we need a vasectomy.  Especially since having children was all we wanted and longed and prayed for.  We wanted it more than anything in the whole world.   And now that we have them, why would we get a vasectomy.  Why would we need one.  And if by some freak of nature, we actually did manage to get pregnant on our own, wouldn't it just be a miracle?  A totally and completely unexpected blessing?

That's what I always thought.

That's why it's crazy to me that today Dave got a vasectomy after we realized that getting pregnant again would actually be the worst and most devastating thing that could happen to us.

Talk about an ending to this journey that shocked us both.

But the truth is,  I was so sick with both pregnancies, particularly with my last one -- that I became completely debilitated.    I had what they call Hyperemesis gravidarum, a condition that started in early pregnancy and lasted for six months.   Where I was throwing up all day long (like the stomach flu) and nothing, not even the strongest doses of chemotherapy anti nausea drugs helped at all.   My body was so weak, as I hung over the toilet bowl everyday, I felt I couldn't carry on.  I lost weight.  I couldn't take care of my first child, and I longed and prayed to die or that the baby would die.  I didn't think I could psychically take anymore.  It was that bad.   And went on for so long.  

And three months after Everlie was born, I was hit hard  with post partum anxiety and depression.   How could I be depressed you ask?  After getting EVERYTHING you wanted?   Well I wasn't actually depressed.  I loved my daughter so much, but my hormones were out of control and I became so anxious and debilitated I could no longer enjoy anything in life and it was breaking my heart because I just wanted to enjoy my kids and be myself again.  It got so bad that I had to go into a partial hospitalization program and am currently on high doses of medication to combat this, along with meditation, yoga, and trying to change my thinking.   It's a process, a long road, and I'm still not out of it yet, though hopefully now I am on the road to recovery and one day soon I will be myself and able to enjoy my amazing family I am so blessed to have, medication free, and without looking over my shoulder wondering if it will return.

I couldn't believe this was happening to me after all we'd been through, but apparently, struggles with infertility, all the IVF drugs, the difficult pregnancies and deliveries, along with the recent loss of my mother made me a prime candidate for a post partum mood disorder.

I still remember the first day we decided to 'try' for a baby, on a cruise through the mediterrian so many years ago.   I still remember the day CCRM called to tell us we were pregnant, after all the failed years and cycles, as Dave and collapsed into each others arms in tears.   I still remember the day Cooper was born, after an incredibly difficult 61 hour labour and the placed him on my chest.   I remember holding him all night long in the hospital, never falling asleep once, just staring down at this perfect miracle in my arms.  I remember the day he stood up and walked all on his own, and his first birthday so full of love,   I remember going to my moms house a few days after she passed away, and though he couldn't talk he pointed to a photo of her, looking around frantically for his grandma, at only 15 months.   I remember the day we decided to try again.   I remember the day they placed Everlie inside me, waiting, hoping.    I remember the day we found out I was having a daughter, a daughter of my own crying tears of joy.  I remember holding her in the hospital all night too, never wanting to let go, wishing my mom could have been there to meet her.  I remember the first day she looked into my eyes and smled, and the day I had to wean her because of the post partum issues, and the last time she latched onto me, overcome with love for this tiny being that we created, the difficult start she had to endure.

I wish all this had have been easier.  I wish I could say, YES, let's try for a third.   Or let's just leave it in the hands of fate, and if we were ever to be blessed naturally by God, then we would know it was meant to be.

But I just can't go through it again.   Mentally or physically.  My body is worn out, and I know we wouldn't survive it again.   So as Dave got his vasectomy today and we closed this chapter in our lives, all I can do is pray that my struggle with postpartum, anxiety, and grief will soon be over and we can start to live again and enjoy each day as a family.   The family we worked so hard for.

I hope that soon, we can move on to the next chapter... with love and faith and happiness in our hearts, and hope for the future once again.

It's been a long, hard, heartbreaking, exhausting, magical, road full of  loss, hope, and miracles.   But we are ready to start a new chapter.

We are ready for our struggle to end and to start anew.   And so this time we pray and hope for something else.

We pray for the happy ending that we have worked so hard to reach.  We pray for peaceful, gentle, fun and happy years ahead.  

So once again, we hold onto hope....

And take a breath...

We're almost there....

We're almost there.



Nikki said...

I wish all this had been easier for you Lisa! Wishing you the best going forward. Time heals, and hopefully with time you are able to erase all the pain and depression and are able to enjoy your miraculous family!


Anonymous said...

Your family is beautiful. X

Anonymous said...

You are truly blessed, going through my 1ww since i transfer 6 days blastocyst. So many mix feeling right now for the past couple of days all i have been doing is google ivf and reading blogs. It comfort me in a way but now im feeling weird and scared. My beta test is on monday and im overwhelmed. I want to take a hpt but i dont know how im going to react to the result. I keep telling myself if its positive you will have to wait 9 months anyway. But if its not then.... i had to pay out of pocket but i dontregret becauise this is my biggest wish and i prayed to God about for 8 years. I did my part and now just give it to God. Because i learned nothing comes easy in life. Especially going through this whole process and procedure i learned that im stronger then i give myself credit. So sorry just was feeling some type of way. First time ivf and writing on a blog.

Anonymous said...

Lisa -
Thank you for this blog - I planning on reading more tonight for sure. We had our 5dt on 8-28-13 and our test will be 9-11-13. CCRM is where we "landed" and it has felt like we were guided there. My first post I read was the one discussing symptoms during the TWW. That is where I am at... wondering if the twinges last night were implantation. If the Nausea is a symptom or nerves. Thank you for showing faith and hope can help keep you strong through all the challenges and worries and difficulties.

Polly Gamwich said...

With the death of google reader, I lost track of your blog, but I found it again today. Lisa, I'm so incredibly grateful for your two beautiful children. And I have such compassion for your circumstances with your mom and your PPD. For what it's worth I wish you much peace and love. Polly

Running with the Reed's said...

Lisa, I found your blogs a few years ago as we were struggling, after our invitro-failed and was told that I might need to get a donor egg, I stumbled upon your blog doing research. I printed your list of infertility foods and went to Whole Foods. I do give God all the Glory for my little miracle, but I feel he gave me the wisdom to do research and stumble upon your blog. I started eating all the foods that you recommended, especially the Royal Jelly. Within 5 months I was pregnant and he turns one next Monday on 11/25. I was able to share my testimony tonight with a friend and shared your blog with her. I just wanted to finally tell you thank you for taking the time to document your story. I remember when I read that you were pregnant with your baby girl and then for months didn't see anything and was so worried you had lost her and then found out later you were so sick. Just wanted to tell you that I am so thankful for your blog and I am Praying that your PPD goes away. God Bless, Cheryl

Anonymous said...

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
I wish you all the best!