Monday, December 1, 2008

Winding Down My Blog...

While it's true, I still have a few more big hurdles to cross before I can safely utter the words "I'm Pregnant", I have come farther than I ever have before. I have crossed a line from infertile to fertile. I honestly didn't even know that that was possible. Yet here I am, still stunned, to have crashed through the brick wall and be standing on the other side.

This week I go for another HCG test and also to check my hormone levels, and then my ultra sound is scheduled for Dec. 15th. This is the all important appointment, when we will either see a sac and hear a heartbeat or we won't. I can't say that I'm not worried this won't be all taken away from me. I can't say I'm not worried that it won't all disappear and we'll be left, once again, with nothing. Standing in the land of infertility once again, wondering if it was all just a dream.

The nurse said we should stay cautiously optimistic, that while the bleeding is slightly worrisome, that we won't know much more until that appointment, so to just stay on all my medication and take it easy until that point. But after that point, if all is well, we will be released from CCRM to an OBGYN. And at that point, if we are lucky enough to make it that far, I have decided to bring my blog to a close.

I know that it's still not a sure thing at that point, and I know we still need to make it through the first trimester in order to get into the safe zone. But I've thought a lot about it, and once I see a sac and hear a heart beat, I can no longer call myself infertile.

Imagine that.

After all these years, I never thought I would see this day come, but hopefully it will. Hopefull I will cross over to the other side, into a new phase in my life. Hopefully I will actually be holding my baby in my arms nine months from now. Hopefully, this is not just a dream, and I will never wake up, and I will be able to say that I kicked infertility's ass. That I am an infertility survivor. That I actually, finally, did it.

But I feel strongly that my blog is about infertility. Not pregnancy. So I have decided not to continue to document my pregnancy journey. This is not what this blog is about. It's about the life and feelings of someone who is struggling with the heartbreak of infertility. And hopefully, this will not be me, ever again. I'm aware that it might be, and that I could end up, dreams crushed, right back in infertility-land once again. But until that day comes, I can't bear to share my blessings and good news with a group of women who are in pain on a daily basis. So, after the next couple of weeks, if all goes well, I will wind down my blog.

Not because I am abandoning you. No. I will still be here to encourage you on. And I will never forget what it feels like to be infertile. It has changed my life forever. It has changed me as a person, taken so much from me, and I still feel the pain so deep that I don't truly know if I will ever forget what it feels like.

So it's with mixed feelings, that in a couple weeks, after I know this is real, and after I get out everything else I feel I still need to say (and I still do have many things that I need to say) -- I will bring this blog to a close.

I will let it stand for what it is. A blog about infertility. The hardest, most devastating, and helpless journey that anyone will ever face.


Nikki said...

I understand Lisa - but I do hope that you will keep us updated with your progress. It brings me a lot of hope to see someone progress after having been where I am.

Good luck to you!

Ashley said...

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! It would be nice to get occasional updates on this blog so that we can see your progress and get hope from your journey:)

Lisa said...

Thanks ladies! I'm going to still be posting A LOT during the next couple weeks because I still have so much to say, but then, I'll wind down, so I'll still be around for a while yet. And of course, I'll still check in on all of you :)

Polly Gamwich said...

Can I just correct you though? Although I do want the very best for you and this pregnancy and I'm very certain this will be a healthy pregnancy for you ... seeing a sac and a heartbeat does not take you out of the land of the infertile ... at least it hasn't for me.

So I understand what you are saying and I understand your desire to close down the blog ... but just know that for others getting to the point of a good u/s doesn't always = baby.

So will you start a pregnancy blog? If not, what in the world will you do with all of your spare time? :)

Just Another Infertile said...

The title of your post made me sad. Maybe you should start a pregnancy blog from scratch and we can all stalk you there. :)

I never mind reading about previously infertiles' pregnancies. They are inspiring and I can live through them as I might never have one myself.

You've been given such a special gift. I hope you find some way to document it as you did your infertility.

Lisa said...

Polly -- You're so right. Sorry if I was insenstive. I know that many of the infertile women that check this blog have had many BFP's, then miscarriages. So I definetly know that a BFP doesn't equal a baby. I'm hoping and praying that it does for me, but if not, DH and I are determined to move on and leave IF behind us. Either way this works out we've decided that we can't come back to this spot and do it again. We have to move forward, baby or no baby, and try, somehow to enjoy our lives.

Again so sorry if what I said made you feel bad in any way. I'm hoping and praying for a BFP, and a happy healthy 9 months, and miracle in arms for everyone :)

Anonymous said...

Darling Lisa, you and D are in our thoughts and prayers!!! We love and miss you! Laurie

Christi said...

First off and most important, the bleeding, I have had two episodes now. The first was 8dp5dt and the last one was this weekend. I'm 7w1d measuring on target and have seen the hb both times. So, while it's scary, as long as numbers are going up, I wouldn't stress.

Second, I understand your feelings about the blog but would you consider a new blog to document your pregnancy journey? It'd be nice to follow your journey and share the same experience with someone else, afterall, pregnancy after this journey isn't the same. just consider it..

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your post! Hopefully in a few months you'll be awaiting your little miracle, too! :) I wish you the best with everything. I've loved reading about your story. You've been so strong through all this and you deserve nothing but happiness. I hope your next beta and U/S go well.

Anonymous said...

It kind of feels like being in prison where everyone was wrongly convicted: I'll be so happy to see someone finally get released! I hope more than anything that you get to get on outta here. But I will enjoy your posts about IF and pregnancy alike until you decide to shut it down.

All fingers and toes are crossed for you!

Chhandita said...

I kno you didnt mean it..but for some damn reason your post hurt a lill..maybe am over sensitive today, i got BFN after today...anyways God bless you and hope you have a great life...

Anonymous said...

I understand your concerns abt blogging abt your PG symptoms. I commend your respect.
But personally, I am a little sad to see you wrap up given that we got our BFPs within a week of each other. Do let us know if you plan to chronicle your PG in a different blog. You can count on many of us to visit you there. :)

Anonymous said...

I disagree with some of the previous commenters. Although I've never had the great privilege, I think that once your primary care transfers from an RE to an OBGYN, you have every right to declare yourself fertile and start thinking about yourself differently. In fact, I think you have an obligation to yourself to do so. Misery loves company, yes, but the kind of misery that IF can bring into your life is simply devestating, and anybody that can climb out of that hole has my full support, and should have the support of everyone who's ever had the misfortune to stare this monster in the eyes.

Good luck Lisa, I'll certainly miss your writing and your insight, but once you hear that heartbeat, I hope for your sake I never read another infertility post on the wayward stork! (until then, post lots).


Emily said...

Lisa - I am sorry to see that you will be wrapping up your blog :(

I was wondering how you made the decision to see treatment at CCRM. Did you do other consults? Would you mind emailing me? I would love to hear from you. My email link is in my profile. Thanks!!

Heavy heart said...

Lisa...prayers and best wishes for a healthy baby! I understand what you are saying..To be frank this post gives me mixed feelings..on the one hand I feel very encouraged that one of us is moving forward..which means there is hope yet for the likes of me..and on the other hand..there is belong to where you belong.That's all. Nothing more and nothing less. You take good care.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lisa-
CONGRATS on a BFP! It made my day and made me smile. I read your blog daily and have been following your journey for a couple of months and, while I understand and respect your decision to leave this blog behind, I felt sad that you won't be blogging anymore.

Maybe it is the PIO that I am coming off of and my hormones are all over the place, but I had crazy dreams about it last night and, for some reason, I am sad that I won't see you blogging again.

If you do decide to continue or to start a pregnancy blog, please post it as I would love to continue to follow your journey through pregnancy and parenthood:)

Best wishes to you!

Erin said...

I hope it does work out for you. I supposed I can understand your desire to run like hell away from this ugly world of infertility... sorry you'll be leaving us behind.

Good luck to you.

Erin :)

Anonymous said...

yes, move on! start enjoying life!

Anonymous said...

I know you meant no harm.
I too thought I was "cured" of infertility after IVF and the birth of my DD 3 years ago. I thought back then (when I was 31) that I was done, so fortunate to have had her after so many years of trying.

Now, I'm 34 and struggling with IF again.

I know you are so happy you are "bursting" I can't help but think of myself in that same boat 4 years ago and am saddened by where I am today. I know I should be so thankful for my DD and I am, but its heartbreaking knowing that she may never have a sibling.

While some people are "cured" I look at it as "remission"

Anonymous said...

Shrugs. Your sandbox, your rules. Can see both sides of the discussion, but I hope you see the point of women who care about you and your progress, and find it abrupt not to know what happens to you thru the rest of this journey.

Cheesy photo illustration. Hope you don't take that personally.