Saturday, October 15, 2011

These Are the Moments

I started my needles a few days ago.

Normally this would have been cause to rally the national guard. But this time, thanks to all the hard work with my needle phobia, I was able to take the shots without so much as a tear, a panic attack, or even the feeling of fainting. For anyone who has ever had a needle phobia, you know that this is huge. In fact, this is the feeling, on the other side of fear, on the other side of the mountain, on the decent downward where you realize it really is possible to do the impossible. I can say for sure that I have conquered a phobia that has plagued me my whole life, a phobia that I didn’t really believe that no matter how much work, how much energy, how many times I tried, I would ever fully succeed. Yet here I am, once again, proof – that staying the course, putting one foot in front of the next, and never giving up, really does pay off.

This morning I woke up to two things: My period. And my two men (one big and one little) standing at the kitchen counter cooking pancakes together. This sight melted my heart and reminds me why I am at this again. Why anyone who hasn’t been as lucky as me, should keep trying, doing whatever they can. Because these are the moments. The moments that it’s all about. The moments that remind us to stay the course, put one foot in front of the next, and never give up.

I want another baby. There. I said it out loud. I have been keeping that little tidbit inside. Trying to just view this as another cycle. Trying to see it as no big deal. But it is a big deal. The first thing I wanted to do when I saw Dave and Cooper cooking pancake together was pick up the phone and call my mom. Tell her how blessed I feel. Share my joy with someone who would share it with me. But I can’t phone her, I can’t share my happiness and joys and blessings with my mom. But I know she would be looking down, smiling, proud of me for all that I have accomplished. And that she is with me. In me. In Cooper. And hopefully, in a new little life – maybe even a daughter – that will hopefully fill this home with even more love and joy.

Hello AF. I’m ready.


MKRoberts said...

Your mom is so proud! She is definitely still with you! Just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are to me as I head down my second attempt at IVF. Similarly to you, everything went textbook until my embryos slowed their progression. None made it to blasts and none were able to be frozen out of 20! Anyway, you have really given me hope!

Lots a good vibes being sent your way!

Donna said...

SO happy for you that you were able to get started. Will be thinking and sending blessings your way.

lauriew said...

I just love you guys.... Sending millions of hugs and positive vibes in hopes of something wonderful to come. Looking forward to being a part of your story!! XOXOXOXOXOXO