Transfer Date Set

Our FET has been scheduled for January 20th!

We have decided to go with the non-lupron protocol, which gives us a 10% chance of cancelation if I ovulate early. But, on the plus side, I skip a month of needles. Which means, I can just relax, eat, drink and be merry over the Holiday season. And once I get AF on January 1st -- I will begin taking my meds and start my cycle prep.

I can't beleive we have a date set to go back and get our two sweet little embabies! It's crazy to think that they are already either little boys or girls and they are 5 days old, just frozen in Denver, waiting for us. I'm trying not to get too excited and just hoping beyond hope that they survive the freeze/thaw. But other than that, things are moving forward and the thought of being pregnant again, is becoming more and more real.

Either way, we are blessed.

We are so very blessed.

For all those of you who have not yet been blessed with a child of your own, over the holiday season especially, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, don't give up, and always hold onto hope.

Day 6 Embryo Report

After a nail-biting couple of days, the results are finally in...

Not as good as we would have liked, but certainly not as bad. Overall, we wish we got a few more, but we are very happy with the results.

So without further ado...

We have 2 frozen, high quality blastocyst embryos!

1 Frozen on day 5: Quality 4-B-A
1 Frozen on day 6: Quality 4-A-A

The "4" in our grading system means "fully developed blastocyst" exactly what you want at this point. A "3" is a still developing blastocyst. "5" would mean beginning to hatch and a "6" would mean fully hatched - you don't want that in the dish.

The A-A or A-B means the volume and quality of the cell masses which form the baby, and the placenta, and the quality of the physical structure of the embryo. A-A is the best. A-B is slightly lower in quality, but still great. And in the words of our embryologist, he said "One is perfect. And the second one is the same quality of your best embryo from last time (Which was Cooper!). They still have to survive the freeze and thaw, but I think you have a very high chance of achieving pregnancy with these embryos".

As for the other embryo's, all of them arrested in the dish between day 3 and 5 at some point. There is a 3rd one they're watching, which is currently a 3-C-C, and he doesn't thing it's going to develop any further. And the two from the day-2 fertilization are both still in the dish, but theire development is behind, and he expects them to arrest by tomorrow, which would be thier day 6.

So there we have it. We have two little embryo's that our frozen and waiting for us. Now we just have to talk to the doctor to find out exactly when the soonest we can prepare for our FET.

And like I say everytime, it's such a numbers game, and hopefully luck will be on our side once again. I guess we'll have to wait and see...

Day 3 Embryo Report

PHOTO OF A PERFECT DAY 3, 8 CELL EMBRYO

After a nailbiting day of wondering what happened to our embryos overnight, John Stevens, our amazing embryologist, called with our Day 3 Embryo Report:

DAY 3 EMBRYO REPORT

Embryo #1 - 10 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #2 - 9 cell, grade 4
Embryo #3 - 8 cell, grade 4
Embryo #4 - 8 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #5 - 8 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #6 - 7 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #7 - 7 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #8 - 6 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #9 - 4 cell, grade 4

** The grade refers to degree of fragmentation on a scale from 1-4. 4 is best.
** 8 cells on day 3 is the best. But anything from 6 to 10 cells is considered good.

So that means, right now we one excellent looking embryo, one great looking embryo and 6 embryos that look good! One probably won't survive the night.

ADDITIONAL EMBRYOS fertilized on day 2) - DAY 2 REPORT:
Embryo #10 - 2 cell, grade 4-
Embryo #11 - 3 cell, grade 2+

** 2 cell on day 2 is best.
So one of these looks good so far, the other one is probably not going to make the night.


This is great news so far! And since we have many embryos that are looking good right now, they have made the decision to push on to day five or six before they freeze. So however many good embryos we have left on Sunday and Monday they will freeze.

This is the part of the process that has always been our biggest hurdle. We've only ever made Blast once. So to push onto day 5 or 6, we risk losing them all. But right now they are in the best lab and doing good -- so we are going to push onward and hope that we have some good looking blasts to freeze on Sunday!

The worst part is that we won't hear from anyone again until Monday. So we won't get another report until Day 5. YIKES! I hate not hearing anything for the next two days, but I'm holding out positive vibes and will be dreaming of perfect little blastocysts.

Come on CCRM lab -- work your magic!

PICTURE OF A PERFECT DAY 5 BLASTOCYST

2 More Embryos!

Out of the rest of my immature eggs that they cultured in the dish, 2 of them matured overnight and both of them fertilized with ICSI.

So now we are up to 11 embryos!

We should get a report tomorrow telling us the current state of the orginal 9 embyros. Scared to know, but trying to stay positive! Come on little guys, we're pulling for you!

Fertilization Report - 9 embryos

The embryologlist called with our fertilization report today, and day 1 results are as follows:

Out of my 26 eggs:
13 of them were viable. And were fertilized through ICSI.
Out of the 13 eggs they fertilized, 9 embryos fertilized and are growing in the dish.
2 of the eggs fertilized abnormally, and 2 just didn't fertilize.

Out of the half of my eggs were not usable:
10 of them were immature - in the 'germinal vesicle" stage.
2 were 'atretic' - just not living
1 was an empty shell called a 'zona pallucida' - with no real egg inside.s
The lab is going to take the 10 eggs that were immature and try to mature them in a dish to see if they will mature so they can fertilize them. Right now, one more egg looks like it will mature for sure and we will find out tomorrow how many matured overnight and they were able to fertilize.

So right now we have 9 embryos growing in the dish. And possibly a few more fertilized by tomorrow.

But since we are sadly forced into a freeze-all cycle due to my high E2, we will be flying home tomorrow without a fresh transfer. So instead, we'll get an update on day 3 and day 5, and hopefully have a few great embryos to freeze. We're very worried about how they will do in the dish over the next couple days -- as always, we expect to lose quite of few of them. And we're very worried about them surviving the freeze and the thaw when we come back to do our frozen transfer. But for now we will just rejoice in our 9 em-babies!!!

We have 9 little lives living at the present moment and one of those could be our future baby!

We hate to leave you little guys -- but we will see you again soon!

Egg Retrevial is over!

And the results are in -- 26 eggs!!!

We'll find out tomorrow how many of those eggs are useable and how many fertilized. We know it's a numbers game and expect to see a significant drop, but we just hope our future baby is in the mix.

They gave me medication to counteract the OHSS and although my stomach is very sore and I'm extremely tired, I'm hoping to feel much better tomorrow!

I'm just relaxing in bed tonight, eating ice-cream, and watching movies.

And the best part? No more needles!

Egg Retrieval

It’s finally here -- today is my egg retrieval surgery!

Although things are not perfect, we can’t help but be excited. Today my eggs will be fertilized with Dave’s sperm and our embryo’s will be given life! We have no idea how many eggs will be in there, how many will be mature, and how many will fertilize... but no matter how disappointing it is that we won’t travel home with an embryo inside of us – our future baby could be created today! Just the thought of that is the best feeling ever. And our hopes are back up, higher than ever! Waiting, praying, and hoping that this is the day we make another miracle.

Cooper is proof that it only takes one. That it is really is possible. And that maybe, just maybe we will be blessed again.

I’m thinking of my mom today, praying for her strength, and knowing that she is watching over me, with me always.

I love you mom. Stay with me, and help our little embryo’s fertilize and grow...

A Scary E2 Halloween - Day 12

The nurse called with my Day 12 lab results, which now put my E2 over 10,000!

E2-10,032
P4- 8.3
LH- 60.9

I'm extremely bloated, fatigued, sore tummy, and generally feeling terrible.

Surgery is set for tomorrow at 11:00am and they cannot get these eggs out soon enough.

I'm trying to stay up for sweet little Cooper, I don't want him to see me worried and sick. And I also promised him a Halloween party in the room, which I'm bound and determined to deliver on. BUt it's going to be hard to do based on how I'm currently feeling.

I'm worried about tomorrow but also relieved that it's finally here. I have no idea what condition my eggs will be in with an E2 level this high. I'm worried I've overcooked them and I'm worried many will be post mature and unusable. Mostly, I'm looking forward to getting the medication that will hopefully bring my E2 down and avoid hospitalization.

And I hope they can recover this cycle in the lab.

Triggering Tonight /Fresh Cycle Canceled

Well. It’s happened. Our fresh cycle has been canceled.

As with everything in life, some things are just out of our control. Some things just don't go the way we plan or want them to. And we’re left disappointed, discouraged, and wondering whether there was anything we could have done to get a different outcome. It’s certainly not over yet, and there is always still hope, but I can’t help but feel like the outcome is already sealed.

The nurse called with our numbers today and my E2 is still through the roof, even after night of coasting, about a million bottles of electrolyte water and salty foods. In fact it didn’t come down at all. It went up:

E2 – At a whopping 7794
P4 – 0.76
LH – 2.5

I’m feeling physically awful and with my E2 this high, a fresh transfer would most certainly result in hospiltization and serious complications if I was to become pregnant. So the doctor has decided upon the following course of action:

- I will trigger tonight (with LH, not HCG) to keep my E2 from climbing. Instead of one big IM shot, it will consist of two LH shots 12 hours apart. One at midnight tonight and one at noon tomorrow)

- I will have my egg retrieval surgery at Tuesday morning at 11 am.

- They will fertilize as per normal with ICSI, but instead of transferring back, they will freeze our embryos. And we will do a transfer at a later date. Which means another cycle prep, more money on drugs, and another trip back out to Denver.

We’ll have to wait and see how our embryos look after the first few days as to whether they will freeze on day 3 or day 5. We’ve only ever had embryo’s live to day 5 (made blasts)once, out of all our cycles so we’re not sure how or when they will decide to freeze. Also, our embryos are so sensitive and they never look very strong, so we are very worried that they will not survive the freeze and thaw process. Luckily the lab uses vitrification to freeze which has the highest freeze and thaw survival rates possible.

I’m trying to hang onto hope that Dr. Schoolcraft is the best and this lab is the best and they know what they are doing. So if they have a chance of survival anywhere, it’s here at CCRM.

Right now we’re tying to stay focused, get ready to trigger tonight, and continue to keep me hydrated to avoid severe OHSS.

After our surgery, I’ll recover for a day or two and then we’ll be booking our tickets home early.

And once again I'm reminded that much of life is out of our control. And Whatever will be will be...

Some Bad News on Day 9

Just got the call from the nurse expecting to get the go-ahead to trigger tonight... but unfortunately that's not what happened.

My E2 has skyrocketed up to 6500 (from 2700 two days ago) which now puts me at risk for hyperstimulation, and puts the fresh transfer cycle at risk. If my E2 stays this high, they will still do egg retrieval and fertilize the mature eggs, then freeze the embryos at day 3 or 5, and we'll need to do a frozen transfer in a month or two.
Not continuing with the fresh transfer and all the associated drugs is the best path to avoiding OHSS (which can be very severe), so the frozen transfer would be the safest, though less than ideal path.

My follicles looked good today - had 18 that were measured, all in the 15 to 22 mm range (all likely mature). But I'm upset with myself for accepting the "no monitoring" break that I got yesterday - I was happy not to have the blood test, but I knew I should have insisted on getting the test, then maybe we could have made the change to avoid the high E2.

So now I'm "coasting" tonight... still taking the Cetrotide and the Dexamethasone, but no stims tonight, then more monitoring tomorrow. Hopefully my E2 will have come back down to acceptable levels without the stimulation drugs tonight.

I'm feeling very rough too - very full in the ovaries and just generally feeling rotten, always on the verge of barfing. Glad I'm not stimming tonight, but wish I was triggering.

Day 9:
Right Ovary - 11 to 15 follicles
Left Ovary - 7 to 11 follicles
Largest = 22mm
Average = 17mm
E2 = 6518; P4 = 1.5; LH = 5.5

I'm just hoping I can avoid having to go to the hosptial and that my eggs don't overmature by coasting for a day longer. Not to mention, I'm crossing every finger I have that we can proceed with a fresh transfer. A frozen transfer is almost certainly the death of hope for us, considering our history.

Dr. Schoolcraft, aka. miracle worker

Cooper got to meet Dr. Schoolcraft yesterday. And he said, "thank you for making me Dr. Schoolcraft." He he he. Okay, so we coached him beforehand, but it was pretty cute to hear a little two year old come out with it. We got a quick picture of them together, and then whisked him out of the room (with grandpa) so Dave and I could sit down for our regroup with Dr. Miracleworker. We wanted to discuss our cycle, ask some questions, and talk about our estimated trigger date. Last cycle we had 28 eggs exracted and only 14 mature, so about a 50% maturity rate, which was lower than our usual 80%. So we wanted to ask him about this and find out his plan for triggering me this time around. We also wanted to request John Stevens as our embryologist if he is working the day of our retreival, since he is also a minor celebrity in our home.

Based on our results, Dr. Schoolcraft is going for the slow cook this time and hoping to trigger me on Saturday. It could change, based on how I continue to respond, but so far things are looking good.

Day 7 Ultrasound and Bloodwork Results:
Right Ovary - 10 to 14 follicles
Left Ovary - 9 follicles
Largest = 16mm
Average = 12mm
E2 = 2077; P4 = .43; LH = 4

Day 8 Ultrasound and Bloodwork Results
Right Ovary: 10 follicles
Left Ovary: 7 follicles
Largest = 16
Average = 13.5
E2 = 2755; P4 = .5; LH = 3

I also did my IVF physical and prepped for retrieval today.

From Day 7 to Day 8, my follicles and E2 did not grow very much. I was actually fairly surprised! So today, Dr. Schoolcraft kept me on the same lower dose tonight, is not going to bother monitoring me tomorrow, and wants the same dose again tomorrow night. Then back for Day 10 monitoring on Saturday -- my estimated trigger date!

I'm starting to feel really really yucky, completely exhausted, and full! Basically, I'm ready to be done. But I still have a few more days to go. I've been urged to drink as much water as I can and get enough rest so I don't hyperstimulate like last time. So that's what I'm doing.

Onward and Upward. Come on follies, let's do this thing!

PS -- Did I mention it went from 85 degrees and sunny to a winterwonderland here in Denver?

Here at CCRM! Day 5 Monitoring

Dave, myself, Cooper and my dad arrived in Denver yesterday afternoon and got settled in our hotel, a 2 bedroom suite at the Denver Marriot Tech Center. Not bad. Then we went out to Red Rock Park to explore a little, which was great. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and it was a perfect Denver day, reminding us that good things happen here in the Mile High City. It felt great to be back, especially with our little miracle this time.

Today we went in for our Day 5 Monitoring at CCRM. It was so fun to show up at the building and take a picture in front of it with Cooper. I've been wanting to do this since the day he was born so that one day he will have a picture of the place he was created! It's such a different feeling being back, with our baby, and knowing that we are blessed beyond belief. And it gives us so much hope for another one, since this is the place it all happened.

Next, Cooper and my dad went to the playground, while Dave and I went in for monitoring. It felt great to be back in the building and we were excited to get our ultra sound and see what my follices are doing.

Stats as follows:

7 on the Left Side - The top follicle's measure 11.6, 11, 9.4, 9.3, 9, 8
10 Right Side - The top follicle's measure 9.5, 9, 9, 9, 9, 8.5, 8

So far so good, and you never know, there could be a few that were hiding and didn't get counted. It's also really great news that most of them are all growing at around the same rates. Things are really moving along. Come on follicles. Grow, grow, grow!

My blood results were as follows: E2 was 968, LH was 2.6, and P4 was 0.21. And the nurse let me know that they were decreasing my dose of stims by half. And starting cetrotide tomorrow in order to make sure I don't ovulate.

For the first five days, I took 2 viles of menopur and 150 units of Gonal F. Tonight I will decrease my dose to one vial of menopur and 75 units of Gonal F. Tomorrow night will be the same, but will include Cetrotide.

After our appointment, we all took advantage of the amazing weather (80 degrees and sunny) and took a drive to Estes Park. It was a great afternoon. We saw two herds of elk, Cooper got to wear some energy off on a hike at Rocky Mountain National Park. And we saw some great scenery with a fun lunch out. All in all, it was a long but fun day.

But now I'm pooped, so after my needles tonight, I'll probably just head to bed myself. I'm starting to feel a little yucky, so I'm trying to be sure to drink my electrolytes every day so that I don't end up in the hospital again like last time. But we won't think about that. Good thoughts only.

Here's to a great first day in Denver and all those little follies growing inside me!

Suppression Check -- All Systems Go!

Today we drove to London for our suppression check. It was like falling back into an old familiar pattern.

Arm out for blood draw. Check.
Pants off for wand up my you know what. Check.
Ah, the joys of un-natural conception.

The good news is that I passed my suppression check on my first go-round this time. Always a stressful and not so successful moment for me. But today is was easy sailing, clear skies head, all systems go. Which means I start my stims tomorrow and fly to Denver on Sunday.

Wow! This is all finally really happening!

Today’s stats are as follows:

Estrogen – 284 What they like to see – Less than 50. Not so great, obviously I’ve way high, but not surprising as I’ve been doing estrogen priming. But still, a little concerning to me as I like to start off on a better foot. The nurse hopes it will drop quickly now that I’ve gone off it. My last cycle in Denver had me starting at and E2 of 20, which was pretty much perfect.

Progesterone – 0.6 What they like to see – Less than 1. Right on target! My last cycle in Denver had me at 0.2, which was also good.

So far this cycle, I have 13 resting antralfollicles on right, 6 on the left for a total of 18. Not bad, not great. My left always gives me less, but I was hoping for a little more than 6, since this is such a numbers game for us. But still, nothing to sniff at either and anything can happen once I start stims tomorrow. It’s still anybody’s game. Just as a comparison, my last cycle in Denver I started with a resting count of 21 and by the time retrieval came, they were able to harvest around 28.

So for three years later, I have to say this report ain't too shabby. And at least I passed my suppression check on the first go round this time as opposed to three takes on my last cycle and about a million on my cycle before that, which they ultimately canceled.
We are headed in the right direction. Denver bound. Tickets booked. Hotel booked. Rental car all ready to go.

Mile High city, ready or not -- here we come!

These Are the Moments

I started my needles a few days ago.

Normally this would have been cause to rally the national guard. But this time, thanks to all the hard work with my needle phobia, I was able to take the shots without so much as a tear, a panic attack, or even the feeling of fainting. For anyone who has ever had a needle phobia, you know that this is huge. In fact, this is the feeling, on the other side of fear, on the other side of the mountain, on the decent downward where you realize it really is possible to do the impossible. I can say for sure that I have conquered a phobia that has plagued me my whole life, a phobia that I didn’t really believe that no matter how much work, how much energy, how many times I tried, I would ever fully succeed. Yet here I am, once again, proof – that staying the course, putting one foot in front of the next, and never giving up, really does pay off.

This morning I woke up to two things: My period. And my two men (one big and one little) standing at the kitchen counter cooking pancakes together. This sight melted my heart and reminds me why I am at this again. Why anyone who hasn’t been as lucky as me, should keep trying, doing whatever they can. Because these are the moments. The moments that it’s all about. The moments that remind us to stay the course, put one foot in front of the next, and never give up.

I want another baby. There. I said it out loud. I have been keeping that little tidbit inside. Trying to just view this as another cycle. Trying to see it as no big deal. But it is a big deal. The first thing I wanted to do when I saw Dave and Cooper cooking pancake together was pick up the phone and call my mom. Tell her how blessed I feel. Share my joy with someone who would share it with me. But I can’t phone her, I can’t share my happiness and joys and blessings with my mom. But I know she would be looking down, smiling, proud of me for all that I have accomplished. And that she is with me. In me. In Cooper. And hopefully, in a new little life – maybe even a daughter – that will hopefully fill this home with even more love and joy.

Hello AF. I’m ready.

And so it Begins...

This time around is so different.

AF has come and gone, and our cycle has begun.

I’ve barely even had time to look at our calendar, let alone pour over every detail as I always have in the past. I don’t even know when I start my needles. All I know is that we’ve started talking the oral drugs and we still have to order the bulk of our medications and get them shipped this week. Next week, I will start testing for my LH surge and then the injections will begin.

It’s all going all break-neck speed. Yet I don’t really even seem to have noticed yet.

All I keep thinking about is fall. How the leaves are starting to fall off the trees. How the pumpkins have emerged. The scarecrows and corn hulks are up. Everything looks and feels like my favorite time of year. With one exception, this is the first fall I have ever spent without my mom. Fall is such a reflective season for me anyway, but even more so this year. As I approach the one year anniversary of my mothers death, all I can think about it that I would do anything to have her back, to sip hot coffee and bailey’s with her on a crisp fall day, to go shopping and out to lunch, and put up all our fall decorations together. Cooper is growing and changing so much and I desperately wish my mom was here to see him. I wish I could change fate, reverse the clock, bring her back. I miss my best friend so much. Especially now, as I begin my new IVF cycle. I wonder if I can do this without the support and help of my mother. I wonder if I’m strong enough. Brave enough. Have enough faith.

I reflect, as I move forward. The past, present, and future collide in my mind and heart.

Whatever will be, will be. I understand this now.

I cannot change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails...

My book, INFERTILITY-LAND, has been published as an e-book

My book, titled "INFERTILITY-LAND: A Road Map" has been published as an e-book. Coming soon to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and I-Tunes.

If you would like to download a copy, you can do so at: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/67494

This would also make a great book to give your family and friends, who don't understand, but might like to try.

I hope that this book may serve as a resource and comfort to those struggling, lost deep in the forest of infertility-land.

The One-Day Work-Up

I cannot believe it's already come and gone. And we are one step closer to actually cycling.

I never thought we would be here again.

Walking through the doors of CCRM was like meeting an old friend. Only this time, with an entirely different perspective.

Last time when we were in this spot, we were filled with so much uncertainty. Can we afford it? Will it work? What if it doesn't work? How will we ever be able to live our lives as an childless couple, in a world built on families?

Thankfully, we never had to find out.

After so many treatments and being given up on at our clinic in Seattle, we were desperate. Tired and desperate and so full of fear. CCRM was our final hope. It was everything.

Being back this time, as parents of our miracle baby Cooper, the experience is completely different. It's not life or death anymore. It was almost joyous being there. Knowing that this was the place where Cooper was created. That these were the people that gave us our miracle. It was like coming home to a family we barely know, but means everything to us.

Sitting there in the waiting room, I couldn't help but feel blessed. We are so lucky. Whether we are able to have another baby or not, we have already won the jackpot. Everything else is gravy. We hope to grow our family by one more and give Cooper a sibling, but if it's not meant to be, we can move on easily and happily, knowing we are blessed.

Yes, secondary infertility is not even in the same ballpark as infertility. It is not even in the same universe.

I have to say, doing the one-day work up the second time around was much easier and a lot less confusing. CCRM is a well oiled machine who has us in and out in no time. And Dr. Schoolcraft was just as laid back and hilarious as I remembered him. He is definitely a man of a few words. He doesn't toot his own horn in the least, just smiles confidently and let's us ask questions, and barely says a word. But, when you are the best, there is no need to scream it from the rooftops. He let's his work speak for itself. And yes, I can confidently say, he is a miracle worker.

Our results will be in by the end of the week and it will be interesting to compare them to last time. To see how my body has changed and aged over the last two years. And find out where we stand.

But for now, we stride out with our matching bloodwork arms and hopeful smiles. With wonderful memories of Denver and CCRM. We are going home to see Cooper, our living miracle, after the first night away from him ever.

One Day at a Time

It’s been a long time since I last blogged here.

And staring at this page, an old familiar, yet distance friend -- I wasn’t sure I could even put into words how I feel. Or what the point of it would be.

So much has changed since my last blog. Some of the best and worst moments of my life. But how do I completely express the profound joy and pain that I have gone through since then, and for who? Is it better to internalize my thoughts and feelings? Is it better to keep them safe inside? Maybe. Maybe expressing them out loud is only putting myself out there to be hurt or judged or criticized. Because who, in the infertility world who hasn't been so lucky, wants to read about the deep and total joy that having a baby has brought into my life. And who wants to hear about the complete devastating hole that losing my mom, my best friend, has caused in my life. This is a forum for infertility, not the loss of a mother. This is a forum to complain about never been able to conceive, not finally being given the miracle of a child. And who, if not my mother -- the first person who would read my blog and call me to encourage me on, to tell me that she believes in me, that I’m an amazing daughter who deserves the best in life -- will care?

Yet here I am. Back to this blog. Back to this journey. A journey I never thought I would take again.

After I was blessed with the gift of my son, I was forever grateful to CCRM for bringing such a miracle into our lives. But I swore that I done with infertility, that I was happy with one child, that I was blessed beyond belief and felt like leaving that life behind me forever was the right thing to do. Of course, I always wanted a sibling for Cooper, but I didn’t want to be greedy, I didn’t want to risk any more money, time or emotion in the land of infertility. I was happy with my miracle and had decided to move on. Or so I thought.

Five months after giving birth to our miracle baby, we found out my mom had stage four cancer and had been given less than a year to live. It was the absolute, most devastating moment of my life to date. My mom. My rock. My biggest fan and supporter. My best friend. How could something like this happen? She was only 61. She was healthy and fit and happy and filled with joy and gratitude. She had a beautiful marriage, friendships, and her dream of becoming a grandma had finally come true. She was over the moon in love with Cooper and was filled excitement for the future. She was supposed to be here for all of this. It didn’t seem real.

We moved our family back home, went through 16 rounds of chemo, a heart-breaking amount of pain meds, and within 9 months she had lost her battle with cancer. My mother was gone. Just like that. Being an only child, and also having an extremely close relationship with my mom, I felt completely lost. And still do.

Maybe this is why I’m back. Maybe this is what prompted me to change my mind about wanting another child. I suddenly feel the need to make my family bigger, to fill the void that has been left behind, to grow my family, instead of watch it get smaller. Watching my mother (the most wonderful, loving, and positive person in the world) slowly die, was the worst nine months of my life. And this was mixed along with some of the absolute greatest moments of my life, holding my baby in my arms, watching him smile and laugh and take his first steps. My heart was overcome with emotion that I was unable to understand, much let alone, try to express.

It has been 20 months since Cooper was born and 6 months since my mom passed away, and I have realized one thing: You have to enjoy each moment you have been given, good or bad, right or wrong, happy or sad. We have to try to stay in the present moment and make the most of it.

Which has led me and Dave back to CCRM.

We had our consult with Dr. Schoolcraft and booked our tickets. We fly to Denver over Easter weekend for our one day work-up.

Where will we go from there? Nobody knows. And that’s the thing about life. You just never know.

All we can do is take it one day at a time.