Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Caught Between Hope & Fear

Most days I fluctuate between hope and fear.

I started out in the land of hope. And I still get there some days. I try my hardest to stay there, with all the positive energy and dreams I came into this with. But fear has a way of taking hold, uninvited, unwanted, when you least expect it to.

For many of us, infertility has become a way of life. We are stuck somewhere in the middle. Trapped between hope and fear. Praying for hope and running from fear. But it never stays far behind. It follows us, hangs over us, like black clouds, bringing with it the promise of rain, the promise of night. But no matter how bad the storm is, we wait for a new day, patiently, with hope, for the sun to come out.

But more recently, I find myself leaning towards fear. Unable to hold onto hope. And that scares me. Every failed cycle brings with it more baggage, more hurt, and more intense fear for what lies ahead. Every failed cycle marks the beginning of new hope, another chance to try again. But sooner or later, the chances all dry up. Sooner or later, you feel yourself being choked by the reality that squeezes you tighter and tighter. The reality that this might never happen. The reality that we might really fail. I mean, really, fail. Not just now. But forever. We might end up childless, alone, isolated from friends and family, and never realize the dreams that we had for our lives. And even though, I push the thoughts away, even though I tell myself no, of course this will work, of course you will be a mother, of course you won't end up like that. I can't help but get this pit in my stomach. This feeling like I'm lying to myself. Handing myself a line, telling myself not to give up, to think positive, that miracles happen, that persistence pays off. Because the truth is, that's just not true. And while I'm still not ready to face the truth, while I'm still lingering somewhere between hope and fear, I know, deep down, that the end of the road is coming for us. When this cycle is over... it's over. And if the answer is no, if the hard work does not pay off, if the miracle doesn't come -- I will have to face something that I don't know how to face. That I can't imagine ever facing. Let alone comes to terms with. Yet, it hangs out there, approaching faster than I can stop it.

Our answer...

Our whole life...

For now, I cling onto hope with everything I can. I claw at it. I pray. I plead. I beg. And I wait to face a verdict that is coming, closing in on me, day by day.

***Yesterday I came across the following video that really captures this journey, and wanted to share. Please watch and pass along.


mom said...

My wonderful daughter and son in law
Thank you for that video. It really helps us to understand the struggle you two are continuing to go through. I hope the support and love you are getting helps in some small way. See you soon I can't wait to put my arms around you. Love always mom

Nikki said...

I came here to leave you a comment, and seeing your mom's comment left me in tears. Honest - I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes from the love I feel from her comment.

I had shared this video with my friends and family a few years ago, and I watch this video often. Sometimes I think the emotions in the video are just so sad, and my own emotions are so much more bitter. My emotions jump between being bitter, being isolated and angry and hopeless.

I too, like you, am tending to lean towards the fear and hopelessness of our upcoming attempt. I'm scared to say it out loud because I don't want to "will" bad luck upon myself.

Good luck to you - I'm hoping with all my heart for you - you know that. And - when are you going to be at CCRM? I'm in CO on 28th evening and 29th evening. We're flying back on the 30th. Maybe we'll bump into each other?

Shelby said...

I love this video and how it really captures what I try so hard to explain to family. I am so sorry that you're in the place of fear-that any of us are there, but it's a reality. I think I'll share this video with family in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. Thank you for posting it.

And thank you for stopping by my site. Many **hugs**

Anonymous said...

The video and this specific blog entry remind me of something my aunt would tell me during the almost 3 years it took us to get pregnant. My aunt endured infertility also and adopted 2 beautiful children who are now adults. She knew that we'd adopt eventually if we couldn't get pregnant on our own so she'd always say to me, "You will be a mom. It is just a matter of time". She'd say it over and over. I knew she was right because we were willing to adopt and although it could take years to get pregnant or adopt I knew that someday I'd be a mom. Someday, somehow, somewhere, I'd be a mom! So, Lisa, I want to tell you that you'll be a mom too. If it's not the traditional way or through IVF then you'll adopt a baby and then you'll be a mom. Adoption is a beautiful thing too so don't discount it and feel that a natural child is the only way you'll be happy. --Your IVF friend.

trish said...

Oh Lisa - that video was very telling. I have been following your journey this far and now I realize the emotion that you go through every day. You have truly grown into an amazing woman!! Go for it Lisa, and don't look back, keep hoping. I am thinking of you - Trish

DAVs said...

I'm right there with you on the fear thing. We've had three failed IVF cycles and this fourth one (at CCRM) is literally our LAST DITCH effort. If it fails then our dreams for biological children are over. We're open to adoption, but I know there will be a mourning process in there, too. Geez, why does this stuff have to be so hard??
Anyway, I'm glad you have such a wonderful supportive family (we do too, for the most part, and it helps a LOT) and I'm hoping that CCRM is THE PLACE :)

Lisa said...

Mom - I can't wait to see you too! Your support means everything, and Phinnegan can't wait to see his 'grandma'.

Nikki -- oh, too bad!! We're leaving for CCRM on Oct. 30th -- the same day you arrive. Darn it :) But Good Luck!

Shelby -- No problem, glad you liked it!

Anonymous -- Thanks! We do try to hold onto that hope. It's so hard though.

Trish -- Hi hon! So nice to see you stop by this site and send me positive vibes. Thanks, it really means a lot.

Davs -- I will hold out hope for both of us, that THIS IS THE PLACE!!! I'm sure they see last ditch efforts all the time. It's amazing that thier success rates are so high in spite of all us failures cycling there! So I'm really crossing my fingers that there lab is magical like I've heard!!

Linda said...

Thank you for putting into words what I've been feeling all these years. Hope to see you at CCRM soon!

Linda aka tayloresque