Friday, October 10, 2008

Still Waiting To Start Our Lives

It seems we're always waiting.

That's what people with infertility do. We wait for test results, wait for our cycles to begin, and wait for the right days. We wait for our calendars, wait for our medications, wait for egg retrievals, and wait for our lab reports. We wait for our transfer date, wait for our pregnancy results, and then we wait to start all over again.

It seems we are always in limbo. Always waiting. But I think the hardest thing about waiting is that fact that it never stops. We aren't just waiting to get pregnant, we are waiting for our entire lives to begin. It's like they are on hold. Every day, every month, every year. Year after year, we find ourselves still waiting, right back in the same spot we began, a maze that leads us right back to the beginning. While others are living their lives, enjoying their days, planning for their futures, we are still waiting for ours to begin. And we know that eventually, whether we have children or not, this holding pattern must end. It's no way to live a life. Being stuck in no mans land, wandering aimlessly, not apart of the rest of the world, not apart of life. Not able to move forward without children, and not yet ready to give up. Neither fully alive, nor fully dead. This world is circular and never ending.

We are nowhere. Stuck in Infertility-Land.

Still waiting to start our lives...


gracevanowen said...

I always liken IVF to a hurdles race- just when you get going there is a hurdle to clear (blood work results, ultrasound results, etc.) and just because you clear one hurdle doesn't mean you've won the race, only that you've won the right to continue to try to jump the next hurdle. If you are okay at your supression check (no cysts or anything) then you win the right to start your stims. If you are progressing properly then you win the right to travel to Denver. If you continue progressing then you win the right to go to ER. If the eggs fertilize then you win the right to wait another day. If the eggs continue to develope you win the right to wait another day. Fianlly, if they are sufficient you win the right to go to ET. Then, if they implant and you get a BFP, you can feel like the race is over but nope, that's just the bell lap and you still have to cross the hurdle of nine months with out any tradegies to finally, actually win the race and be presented with your trophy. Geesh, no wonder we are all tired.

Lost in Space said...

You wrote this so well and I can relate to every word.

We just consulted with Schoolcraft and have our 1-day scheduled for 10/24. I hope you don't mind if I stick around and follow your journey. (:

Nikki said...

Very well written. Wait wait wait, and yes, you can almost hear all those clocks in the picture you posted go TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!

Unfortunately though I don't think the waiting will ever end. The wait for a baby may end (hopefully), then the waiting for baby's milestones starts (specially for us dealing with IF, because we're so behind in this race already!!)

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean, Lisa. I remember being very depressed for about 2 years...and not really living or enjoying my life. I was just waiting, waiting, and waiting watching the months go by and I felt I couldn't start "living" until I had my baby. I still feel like I'm waiting now because even though I'm pg I don't have a healthy baby in my arms yet. I feel guilty now for not being there for friends and family during those 2 years. My dh was so sweet but he didn't totally understand how I felt and it felt like nobody else did either. Some friends/family of mine didn't even want kids so the strong desire I had really boggled their minds. I would tell them this desire is so intrinsic, so inside me, so deep that it's hard to describe. I would say, it's sorta like how you feel you are a heterosexual and want a partner and without one you feel lonely and it's something you wish for everyday. It is hard for me to think of a desire that comes close to how we feel about wanting a baby. I just know that for myself I never really thought much about babies until I turned 31 and then suddenly the desire overwhelmed me and it was something I just had to have and without it I was an incomplete person...and the desire just got stronger as time went by. I do know some women where they had the desire from a young age but for me it came when I turned 31 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish there was more information out there (like even a pamphlet that they could hand out at OB's offices) that explained how difficult it is to get pg after the age of 30. Women don't realize that our biological clocks are real and that after 30 and especially after 35 and 40 how difficult it is. These famous women on t.v. make it look so easy to get pregnant. I would have people say to me all the time, "oh you should just relax, women have babies over 40 all the time like Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Kidman, Nancy Grace, etc etc.). Ugh. Those comments annoyed me. That's enough for now. Your IVF Friend :)

Lisa said...

Thanks girls,

It's so good to know that I'm not the only one out there that feels these things. I love knowing that all of you have been there to, and that I'm not in this alone. Because it's hard not to feel like that most days.