Thursday, October 30, 2008

I Am A Planner

I can't help it. That's just who I am.

I'm famous for making lists, obsessing over details, and crafting big elaborate plans. I anticipate every possibility and plan accordingly. I make contingency plans. And then I make back-up contingency plans.

I like to know what's coming up ahead. I like to be prepared. I like things to go smoothly.

When I first started trying to conceive, I had it all planned out. I didn't want to get pregnant too young or too old. I knew what month I wanted to try, so that I could plan the months of my maternity leave. I had the whole thing planned out down to a T.

Looking back, I miss that innocent optimism. That notion that we could decide to have a baby, and it would just happen. That sense of control over our own lives that left us feeling like we could create the future that we wanted. But we were wrong. And our plans began to unravel, day after day, month after month, and year after year.

So why do I keep making plans? Why don't I just accept life as it is and surrender? Well. Why do birds fly? Why do fish swim? Why do planners plan? Because that's what they were born to do. Because that's what comes naturally. Because they just can't stop themselves.

I am a planner. I may have different plans. But I still make lists, I still obsess over details, and I still want to make the best plan with the cards we've been dealt. But unfortunately, even the ultimate planner, can’t plan an IVF cycle. Even the back-up contingency plans sometimes fall apart. And even the planner gets tired.

Sometimes, like right now, the plan needs to be simple and easy, and be one day at a time.

So here is my plan for today:

-Sit.
-Breathe.
-Relax.


Sounds like a good plan to me :)

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

a very good plan

Emily said...

great post! i, too, am a big time planner and if has rocked my organizational world! it is unsettling to say the least.

i think your plan for today sounds perfect!!!

MamaSoon said...

A very good plan. I am a planner too. I think a lot of people are. IF certainly has a lot to teach us about giving into the present moment and to accept that which we cannot control. It is tough. I think I'll add a nap to that list. ;-)

DAVs said...

I like the plan. Sometimes it is all we can do to take one breathe at a time.
Enjoy :)

Anonymous said...

Your post reminds me of when my dh and I first started trying to conceive. Just like you, my dh said we should pick a month to try that would work out well for when we'd want the baby to born 9 months later. I guess I'm negative but it was me who told him it could take more than one month to conceive. And, I sure was right since it took over 2.5 years, 2 IVF treatments, and $50,000! Oh well. I guess it means we can't plan everything as much as we'd like to. Our bodies are unpredictable and maybe there's a bright side to this. Infertility has taught me to be patient, compassionate, and grateful. --Your IVF friend.

Nikki said...

Good plan Lisa.

I think the hardest thing about IF is the waiting, and the lack of control (waiting is part of being out of control)

Good luck with everything!