Monday, October 13, 2008

The Worrier And The Nurse

It's no secret that I tend to over-react.

I'm anxious and worrisome by nature, and I like to plan things down to the last detail. When something goes wrong, I tend to freak out, panic, and catastrophize the situation. I slide into a downward spiral and feel that everything is doomed. I obsess. And then I jump into fix it mode. I make lists. I study and rework the situation until I get it under control. Until I can breath again. Until I'm able to feel like things are going to be okay.

My poor nurse.

A few things have been 'going wrong' with my upcoming cycle in my mind, which to me, spells the end of the world. Not only because I tend to over-react in any situation which isn't going according to plan, but multiply that by a thousand -- scratch that -- a million, because this 'is it' for us. This is our one and only last chance to ever have our own biological child. The stakes are higher than anything we've ever come up against. We cannot afford room for error. Perfection isn't just a compulsive desire -- it's an absolute necessity. It's the one time when perfection actually does matter. When we really can't afford to let anything slide. When we can't afford to have even the tiniest thing go wrong. We want to be able to look back with no regrets. We want to feel like we've done everything we possibly can. And we want to be able to walk away, feeling that we did everything in our power to make it work. Because, that's the only way we will ever be able to find peace -- if such a thing exists.

So that's why we have scheduled a half and hour conference call with our nurse tomorrow. We want to discuss our concerns, questions, timing, test results, and several possible scenarios. We want to be sure we aren't falling through the cracks. That our case is getting the proper attention and consideration it needs. And that we are all on the same page.

I'm hoping this call will ease my worries and help me feel completely comfortable with our plan for moving forward. Because one thing that we've learned through all of this, is to do your own research, be an advocate for your own case, ask questions whenever you don't understand something, and request lots of meetings along the way to make sure everything stays on track.

Oh yeah, and to breathe.


Nikki said...

Are you me? My goodness - your post describes me entirely!!!

Who's your nurse? If its Kathy, then I'll make sure not to call her tomorrow! I don't want her answering my question being exhausted after your conference call! (Just kidding!)

But I know what you mean. Perfection is a necessity. And because so much in the IF world is out of our hands and out of our controls, we tend to make sure that whatever we CAN control, we will. And there's so much at stake. For us too it's the last hurrah. If this one fails, that's it.

Good luck with your call tomorrow. Hope you get all your concerns addressed!

Anonymous said...

Lisa, I wish you luck in your phone call tomorrow and I think it's great you are being proactive with your questions. Since your post mentioned that this is your last try I'm wondering why you decided not to do the shared risk program? It isn't too much more expensive than one cycle and it gives you 3 cycles (actually 3 fresh and 3 frozen) and 70% of your money back anytime. For us, we decided to do it but of course I am out the money because I got pg there the first try. Still, I don't regret it because it made me feel like I could keep going for more IVF's for a smaller financial price if I needed to and I could also get most of my money back if I didn't want to go on. You can tell me on the IVF board if you want to or if you don't want to tell me your reasons that's ok too. --Your IVF friend.

g said...

this is too our last chance.. and before we started i too was freaking out.. i wanted everything to be perfect.. that i scheduled a regroup with the DR to go over our concerns etc... i will tell you i really did feel a whole lot better after i did that.. and i also explained to DR. sch that this was our last chance.. there is no more... just to reiterate the fact tha things had to be perfect! SO i am now waiting for my beta in one week.. and i am still petrified... but i know that we did everything we could... Best of luck to you! and i hope that your meeting goes well tommarrow and eases your mind a bit :)

Lisa said...

Nikki - That's too funny, glad to know I'm not the only neurotic person out there! And no worries, my nurse is Jill, so Kathy is free for all the questions you want

Anonymous -- I don't mind answering at all! We thought about it. A lot actually. But since shared risk doesn't pay for drugs, and also because we do ICSI and other things not covered in the standard IVF costs, we decided it would be cheaper to do it this way. But I think the biggest reason, is that mentally we are done. We just don't have it in us to try again after this. I think if we had of started IVF's sooner, but after 12 failed IUI's, onto of our 2 failed IVF's, one canceled IVF, and one canceled FET, we just feel we have to come to the end of this road. We're ready for a family. So if this doesn't work, we want to adopt. It's just too hard for us emotionally and physically to keep doing this, so that's why we opted not to do shared risk. It was a tough decision, but I think the right one for us.

G -- Wow! I can't believe you are on your 2ww already! I'll definitely be waiting on pins and needles to hear your news. I'm sending tons of sticky vibes your way and hope and pray that this is the one for you!!