Monday, November 3, 2008

The Art of Surrendering

I admit it.

I'm not good at letting go of control. But after a morning of new worries, and trying yet again to maintain a certain amount of control of this crazy process, I realize that what I really need to do, is let go.

My nurse will be happy to hear me say that. After three calls to discuss my day four monitoring, I'm finally on board. But it wasn't easy getting there. Dr. Schoolcraft is starting me off on whopper doses of stims tonight, double the amount I've ever taken. This is a good thing because hopefully my follicles will take off with a bang. But the downside is that my E2, which has a tendency to climb too high, too fast, could sky rocket. This of course, makes me very nervous. I don't want to be fighting an uphill battle with out of control E2, and have to cut all doses and trigger too early. I want to give the eggs lots of time to grow and mature. So I asked if I could be monitored on day three and day five, instead of just day four. My nurse understood my concerns, brought them to Dr. Schoolcraft's attention, and came back with the answer that day four is fine for my first check.

Finally, after hearing it for the third time, I realize that I need to let go, trust my doctors, and surrender to the process.

And that means changing my whole attitude.

All those platitudes about relaxing that usually drive me crazy, are exactly what I need to be focusing on right now. It's time to think positive. It's the time to throw away all those negative voices that whisper the nagging truth in my ear. That this is a long shot. That it doesn't happen for everyone. That sometimes things just don't work out. But today I must silence those horrible little voices. I must not let them filter in. I must stomp them out.

I need to stay relaxed, positive, and hopeful. I need to visualize this working. I need to breathe deeply and be good to myself. For the next three weeks I need to build up my hope and believe that everything is going to work out. It's hard, this rollercoaster ride. This back and forth between hope and fear. These highs and lows that never end. But this is what we must do. It's time to build up all the hope I can muster, and really truly let myself believe in miracles.

Deep down, I really am an idealist. Deep down, I've always believed in the happy ending, that dreams really can come true, and that anything is possible if you just believe. And no matter how much this never-ending cycle of grief has beat me down and tried to rob me of the best parts of myself -- I still want to believe in happy endings. That's why we're here, back again, to give it one last try. We are down, but we are not out. And it's time to allow myself to believe. Sometimes we need to let ourselves dream. We need to let ourselves hope. We need to believe that even though reality has shown us getting our hopes up only blows up in our face, that sometimes, just sometimes, miracles really do happen.

So today I will surrender. I will believe. And I will dream.

And I will say a prayer my grandparents always reminded me of.

Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.


Nikki said...

I love that prayer! And I too believe in the power of vision. See in your minds eye yourself with a baby in 9 months time, and work towards making that vision reality. Look at the halls of your home and imagine a baby crawling there in 2010. Look at your guest room and imagine it converted into a nursery. And then make all those visions come true!

(My little problem right now is, I am not able to even have those visions any more :-( but I'm working on it.)

Good luck Lisa. Trust the doc and go for it. They know what they're doing.

DAVs said...

It's hard to trust, I know. Believe me, I know. But you're doing it. Hang tough and do what they say--you're in the best of hands!

Linda said...

I totally know what you mean. I have a hard time giving up control. And I think that's what makes this whole IVF process so hard for me personally. I know I can't control how many eggs I produce, nor DH's genetics. It's such a rude awakening for me to know that I have no control in this process. Anyway...I'm so happy to hear that you're starting off with the right attitude. Good luck this cycle and may all our dreams come true! :)

MamaSoon said...

So it has been 6 hours! Did you surrender ;-)

Yes, there is something so amazing about letting go. It is hard to remember to do.

Reminds me of something I saw on Oprah today about surrendering but then they were talking about sex ;-)

Sue said...

Lisa - have you seen those IVF meditation CD's by Anji? If I were you, I'd consider getting one and overnighting it. It was worth it for me. Helped me keep relaxed and keep confidence in the process. It has a section for stimming, for post-ER, post-ET and post-implantation. Happy you are starting stims! Can't wait to follow your cycle!

Lisa said...

Thanks ladies!

Sue -- I've got a IVF hypnosis CD by Maggie Howell. It's fantastic. I listen every day. there is a pre and post transfer version and the lady is British and very calming to listen to. But If I didn't already listen, I'd definetly take your advice. I agree, those CD's are very helpful.

JJ said...

Saying a prayer of serenity for you...

Christi said...

It is so hard to let go and trust. You are in the best hands possible!!