Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Evil Pee Stick

Many people have asked me if I am going to POAS.

For those of you who don't speak infertility, it is known to infertiles everywhere as Pee on a Stick. It is the question asked by everyone one of us, all over the world, as we approach the little thing called our beta.

Too pee or not to pee... that is the question.

Well, I have been staring at this little white stick all morning.

And I simply cannot bring myself to pee on it.

In fact, I almost can't even look at it. The sight of it actually makes me sick to my stomach. Even the thought of it makes me break out into a sweat as I feel the blood drain from my body. Funny, such a tiny innocent looking little stick, can actually turn me into a puddle of nerves. Far worse than any horror movie I've ever seen, this little white stick, is by far, the scariest thing I have ever laid eyes on.

You see, I have a long complicated history with home pregnancy sticks. Yes, me and pee sticks go way back. I have peed on so many sticks I can't even count them. I have bought more pregnancy sticks than any one person should. Dare I say, that in fact, I was a POAS addict. I have taken it out of the box, hopeful, every single time, peed, and then waited on pins and needles for the longest three minutes in history, while my fate came into focus. And every single time, it as been as white as the driven snow. I have never, not once, seen two lines on one of those sticks. Not once. Out of all the millions of times I've peed.

I usually start peeing on the early response sticks five days before my expected period or beta. And when the first one shows up white, I convince myself it's because it's too early, which everyone will tell you that it is. So I continue to pee every single day, until finally, my period shows up or my beta confirms it. It is like a sick love affair with the wrong guy. The guy who keeps breaking my heart, over and over, but I can't seem to shake. I keep letting him back into my life, to play with my emotions, believing that this time will be different, this time he will change, and every single month, over and over, he breaks my heart into a million little pieces.

Well, no more!

I am 8dp5dt today. Which means that my beta is tomorrow -- Thanksgiving Day -- and so far, I have not given in to the evil pee stick. But my test being less than 24 hours away, means that I could put myself out of my misery right now. I could go into the bathroom, take that evil little white stick and pee on it. I could find out the fate of my future right here and now and be almost 100% certain that the results are accurate.

There are several reasons to pee. The biggest being, that I could put myself out of my misery right here and now. If I'm pregnant, I could know right now! I could start celebrating! The other big big reason to pee, is that even if I'm not pregnant, the blow will be softer somehow, coming in the form of a stick. I will have time to get used to the idea and grieve a little before the doctor calls to give me the bad news. There is nothing worse than the telephone ringing and having to hear the worst fate you can imagine from a stranger on the other end of the telephone, while you try to hold it together, try not to burst out sobbing, and fall to complete and utter pieces. But there are even more reasons, this time, for me not to pee. If I'm not pregnant, will I believe the stick? And how will I hold out any hope for my beta tomorrow. If I'm not pregnant, the torture will begin one day earlier than it has to. And like both of my other failed IVF's, I will have to continue on the medication anyway, and go in for my bloodtest tomorrow, sobbing my eyes out as they draw my blood, hope draining from my body while I wait for the call from the doctor to confirm what I already knew.

No, I cannot pee.

I just can't bring myself to go through that torture any earlier than I have to.

I don't know what my fate will be tomorrow. But I will wait. For once in my life I will not POAS.

And I will pray for a Thanksgiving miracle.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

you know, I have done alot of IVF's and the only time they worked was when I did not POAS beforehand. Isn't that weird.

Good luck tomorrow, will you be able to get results on Thanksgiving?

Erin said...

Oh it's a tough one... When I cave, I do it the day before beta. I always need to know in advance, but that's just me. Do what you must. I will also pray for that Thnaksgiving miracle. It can happen, and I pray to GOD that it does!!!

DAVs said...

Oh yeah, they're evil. I hate the stark whiteness of the negative ones.
I also know what you mean--just staring at the box this last time sent me into nauseous fits!
Good for you for holding out--so hoping you get those two lines tomorrow!!

Just Another Infertile said...

Reading your post made my heart race. I'm so excited/nervous for you. It must be pure torture staring at that stick. I'm glad you made a decision and now you can put it way and get on with your day, never giving it another thought (yea, right).

I hope you have the happiest Thanksgiving ever!!

Sue said...

OMG I am so impressed! I am such a POAS addict, I convinced myself that I would hold out on this last cycle. I made it to 7dp3dt (pathetic, right?) but in my defense, DH was encouraging it! I am so impressed that you are holding out- and that you seem to have a doctor's office to go to on Thanksgiving??? That's insane. My old RE will be nowhere in sight probably all weekend. I am praying for you to get the best news ever tomorrow. Stay strong!!!!

retro girl said...

Wow - this is impressive. Such a great choice, too - for all your listed reasons. Figures triple crossed for tomorrow...

I hope you get a Thanksgiving miracle!

bb said...

I really hope you get your Thanksgiving miracle! And you are SO STRONG not to POAS. Good luck and we are praying and hoping for you!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Lisa said...

I actually wish I could POAS. I feel like it's not strength that's keeping me peeing, it's self preserverance. And of course more fear than I can even put into words.

I just don't know what to do when this is over. I actually wish I didn't have to go for the beta at all. I wish I could cancel it and go next week after Thanksgiving is all over.

Lost in Space said...

You explained this so well, Lisa!! I have a peestick phobia and completely understand not wanting to do it. I like being able to live in the land where I at least still know I could be pregnant.

I so hope and pray you get the most wonderful news tomorrow!! Everything crossed!

Jill said...

I pray you get your Thanksgiving miracle tomorrow Lisa. All fingers and toes crossed for you!

Nikki said...

My heart is racing for you Lisa! I don't know how you're holding off! But do what feels good for you.

I'm praying for your thanksgiving miracle as well. There will be SO much to thank for tomorrow!

Good luck and big big hugs! Can't wait to hear!

musicmakermomma said...

Hoping and praying with you for your miracle(s)! Instead of POAS, do something special for yourself (which of course, does not compare; but you deserve pampering now) Thinking of you, happy Thanksgiving!

Anonymous said...

Lisa, as a fellow CCRMer I am wishing for a positive beta for you with all my heart. Believe me, my knees go weak at the thought of pee sticks too. You will get good news tomorrow!

Anniep said...

Ugh... the timing just sucks. And you're right, it *is* all about self preservation. You could always call your nurse and tell them to just leave the news on voicemail... then not answer your phone. That way you can get the news on YOUR terms and your time.

Dr Barreness said...

I have my fingers and my toes crossed for you!

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

Hoping you get your miracle!

notesforanewday said...

Good for you! Enjoy one more night of believing that this could work. The answer will come soon enough and there will be no ambiguity about it. And if the answer is a BFP, then go home and pee on that stick so you can finally see the two pink lines!

Try to have a happy Thanksgiving. My thoughts will be with you and Dave.
-sharon

Emily said...

I can't believe you have sticks in the house and haven't tested. Once I buy them, I am toast!

I cannot wait for your update tomorrow. Hoping & praying for amazing news!!!

Then you can come home and spend the day eating & POAS watching 2 lines pop-up until your heart's content :)

GL!!!!!!!!!!!

Chhandita said...

prayng for you Lisa...

Mrs. Keith said...

I read your story and wanted to wish you the best of luck tomorrow! You definitely deserve a Thanksgiving miracle! Good luck!!

Shannon said...

Hoping for the best for you!! Happy Thanksgiving!

Heavy heart said...

I have been having you in my thoughts this whole week.. here's wishing the very best for you!

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving... will you get the results today?

Erin said...

Hi Lisa,

Just checking in to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving... I hope today brings you the news you've been dreaming of.

Love, Erin xoxo