Thursday, November 20, 2008

Devastated

We finally got the call from one of the embryologists today -- telling us that none of our other embryos made it to freeze.

Which means, this truly is our last hope.

Out of the 16 embryos fertilized, we have no frozen embryos to fall back on. And worse than that, I can't help myself from thinking, if none of the others made it, if all of them arrested in the dish, what does that mean for the one's inside of me?

I know that it only takes one. I know that they chose the best to transfer. but still, I have been here before. And I can't help from letting fear and doubt creep in.

I can't even say it out loud. I can't bear to even think it.

Yet, it's there.

And I'm terrified.

Please, dear god, please, I'll do anything...

17 comments:

Nikki said...

Lisa - your embies made it to day 5, to blast. That had not happened before, right? So just hold on to the positive of the cycle so far. I hope the ones inside of you are multiplying and implanting and growing rapidly as we speak!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you sweetie.

Big hugs. I know you're devastated, and I'm sorry.

trish said...

so praying for Bean Sprout, Tator Tot, and Princess Penelope ...so praying.

DAVs said...

The three you have inside you are beautiful. They're home. That's all you need to focus on now.
I know it's hard not have any frozens to fall back on, but I really don't think it has any bearing on the ones they chose.

Anonymous said...

Hi - I have been following your blog and just wanted to share some thoughts...

I am sorry you do not have any embies left to freeze. That stinks. But it is true, you do only need one, or in your case three. Out of 16 you had three great embryos that grew out to 5 days. That is super. Growing them out further than that seems difficult. I have never had any last more than three days.

In my last 4 IVF's we had all poor embryos except for two in my last cycle that were "very good." I have no idea why some are ok and others are not from the same cycle but that is the way it is - do not let it discourage you too much.

There is a reason your docs chose to transfer the three they did and leave the others behind - you got the good ones.

I hope it works.

Anonymous said...

Delurking to offer some support. I know the fear that comes with not having any frozens, but remember that this means they chose the RIGHT ones to put back! The one(s) destined to make a baby are with you right now. Be strong for them. I'm hoping hard for you!

Emily said...

I am sorry. It is always very hard to lose the "one's that have been left behind." We always hope for some frosties and it is sad and scary when they do not make it... BIG HUGS!

With that said, the three best ones are at home, snuggling in right now and that is the BEST place for them. Sending all kinds of implantation vibes your way!

I also wanted to thank you - your post on transfer day really inspired me. You were such an advocate for you, your family and your blasts and it really helped me to confidently ask our drs. about tx 3 as well. Thanks ;)

Sue said...

I've learned that you can't compare the ones that were left in the lab to the ones they put back. Keep the faith that the three they transferred are strong and growing! Do not lose hope.

I was also disappointed with how few were left to freeze but I learned that CCRM does not bother freezing the ones that look "iffy" so it seems like you get less quality than you would have in the past(meaning your old RE probably would have had 6 to freeze b/c he didn't make the same quality assessment, or at least mine would have!) but the quality is the same...they just don't give false hope, I guess.

Don't stress it! I panicked too...worried that my freeze report was so bad that my embryos were all bad...but they weren't!!!You had some strong early blasts! Many people don't even get blasts on day 5! some wait until day 6. It only takes one...and you have three:-)

Anniep said...

It *IS* terrifying. I have no suggestions, can just sympathize. I spent the 2ww filling out adoption paperwork because if it wasn't going to work, I wanted to move ON as soon as humanly possible.

Anonymous said...

Lisa
I have never been through what you are going through so I don't know how it feels. But try to stay positive for the 3 little ones inside of you right now.

Think of everything that went better than you expected this time :). You have 3 amazing embies!!!

Anonymous said...

Lisa ~ You have three beautiful embabies in the best place in the world for them...you! I just came out of the dreaded 2WW on Wednesday with a BFP! We only had one blast make it to freeze after a 3dt and we were devastated as well. The thoughts you're having went through my head and I had one awful day of crying followed up with sporadic tears with the remainder of the wait. Or should I say that 2WW. Now, we are in the second one until the ultrasound. Anyway, please take care of yourself and talk to those embabies like they are snuggling in tight and you'll see them in nine months. My DH and I have thought of you and your DH throughout our entire journey and will continue to. You all are in our prayers.

Just Another Infertile said...

Awww Lisa.

I'm sorry this isn't the news you wanted. I have never gotten that far before, so I can't imagine the disappointment. The important thing is you have three embies growing in you right now. Try to focus your energy on them.

I'll be thinking of you.

Not Your Aunt Bea said...

I'm sorry none made it to freeze- that is disappointing. Why do things have to be so hard? I am praying for you and your embies. Go, embies, go! Or maybe it should be grow, embies, grow! Thank you for your support in the midst of everything you are going through.

Lost in Space said...

I'm sorry none of your embies made it to freeze. I can only imagine the extra pressure that adds. I wouldn't compare the ones that were transferred with the ones that weren't. The transferred embabies were the best of the bunch and got to go back to their natural environment. Growing embryos in a lab is so much harder for them. I hope your 3 are snuggling in nice and tight for the long haul. Hugs.

retro girl said...

I'm sorry none made it to freeze, but so happy for you that you have three nice looking ones to transfer.

I agree with what Emily said about being an advocate for yourself. I'm sure your posts about that inspired others to the same.

MamaSoon said...

I know that this scares you. I hope knowing that 3 beautiful ones are inside you now and have the possibility of making a home for 9 1/2 more months is beautiful. If it didn't work, you'll have plenty of time to be sad about it. For now, you have a belly full of hope.

Lisa said...

Thank you all so much for your comments. I will try to remember that the best 3 are inside and hold onto all the hope I can for them. It helps to have so many pulling for them.

Aunt Terri said...

Lisa,
I've been following your blog.I've been saying lots of prayers for Dave and you and the little sprouts.Hang in there cutie. You and Dave will make great parents.

We are all keeping our fingers and toes crossed for all of you. Say hi to Phin for me.
Aunt Terri